Satire Patch

MARILYN MANSON IS GOING COUNTRY

2011-02-01T16:27:00.000-08:00

MANSON GOES COUNTRY

IT'S OFFICIAL --MARILYN MANSON CONFIRMS HE WILL BE RELEASING COUNTRY ALBUM SOON, SEVERAL PRESS AGENCIES REPORT. Although some think the move is a bit of a stretch, Reba McEntire, who duets with him on his first country album explains: "Well, here I was sitting by my lonesome at home, looking out the winder, when ol' Marilyn Manson calls me up and says 'Ms McEntire, would you like to do a duet with me on my next album?' So I says to Mr Manson, now you wouldn't be pulling a prank on little ol' Reber would you, and he said no, he's serious, he was so inspired by the work I did with Kelly Clarkson he wanted to see if he could do as good even though he's kind of more of a punk feller he is actually a big fan of blue grass and country. I told him if you ain't yeller let's get 'er done!"Mr Manson sees the change in genres as a natural: "Talking to Reber, I mean Reba, really clarified my participation in country as the next natural step in my musical evolution. I have to admit, the nihilism thing is getting a little old. It's time for me to come back to earth a little while and communicate about things like cornbread and chicken (I'm a big Allan Jackson fan, by the way). "Manson's lyrics on the new album are fascinating. He bridges the gap by delivering a transition rendition of an old song with the following lyrics:

Beautiful People! Beautiful People!
Rascal Flatts, Doesn't Rhyme with Steeple!

Manson's version of country is also tender at times, such as in his song "Party Tractor"

I guess I was a little high.
I guess you are a little dead.
Sorry that I did some acid
And drove the John Deere over your head

And as for Manson's new appearance? "It's been my toughest challenge. I found out that a cowboy hat made out of human skin is illegal. I'm still working on that one."Please check here in coming days for new developments on this story.

Patch you later!

CHINESE DRY WALL ALERT

2011-01-31T14:40:00.000-08:00

MILLIONS OF HOMES INTHE US, CANADA AND EVEN AUSTRALIA CONTAIN TOXIC CHINESE DRYWALL. HOW DO YOU TELL IF YOUR HOME CONTAINS THIS TOXIC TIMEBOMB? THERE'S A SIMPLE TEST THAT REQUIRES NO SPECIAL EQUIPMENT. FIRST, YOU CONTACT YOUR NEAREST CHINESE RESTAURANT AND ORDER AN EGGROLL --IT HAS TO BE FRESH FOR THIS TO WORK. NEXT, SMASH THE EGGROLL ON THE SUSPECTED DRY WALL. BE SURE AND SMASH IT HARD ENOUGH SO THAT A QUANTITY OF GREASE FROM THE EGGROLL COVERS THE DRY WALL. LEAVE THE ROOM FOR AT LEAST TWO HOURS, AFTER FIRST TURNING UP THE ROOM'S TEMPERATURE TO AT LEAST 80 DEGREES. WHEN YOU RETURN YOU CAN IDENTIFY THE SUSPECT DRY WALL BECAUSE THE EGGROLL TREATMENT WILL REVEAL CHINESE CHARACTERS --SORT OF LIKE A WATERMARK ON A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL. MAKE SURE YOU GET A PICTURE OF THE WATERMARK. OF COURSE, PROFESSIONAL VALIDATION OF THE CHINESE LANGUAGE CHARACTERS MAY BE NECESSARY BY A TRAINED LINGUIST. THAT'S WHY YOU NEED TO PHOTOGRAPHS. PLEASE TAKE THIS THREAT SERIOUSLY. YOUR LIFE, AND THE WELLBEING OF THOSE YOU LOVE ARE AT STAKE.

SP

Who knew there were farting blogs??

2009-11-18T13:08:00.000-08:00

.
..
...
....

I LOOKED THEM UP AND THERE ARE SUCH THINGS!!

LOTS OF THEM--

TYPE IT IN ON YOUR BROWSER.

REALLY!! I'M SERIOUS!!

SEE??!!...

CAN Y'ALL BELIEVE??

HEY, ALSO THE OTHER SP CALLED ME UP TODAY TO TELL ME HE FARTED @ WORK.

CAN Y'ALL BELIEVE THIS??!!...

I KNOW, IT'S SOME FUNNY STUFF BC I LAUGHED MY HEAD OFF!!

Y'ALL SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE!!

GOD BLESS!!

--the better sp!!

EVIL HAMSTER HAIKU

2009-04-23T18:56:00.000-07:00

EVIL HAMSTER

DANCING

ON

HIS WHEEL

TRYING

TO CONTROL

MY MIND

EVIL HAMSTER

WILL

DANCE

IN

THE MICROWAVE

STEPHEN HAWKING WILL BE STUFFED, ACCORDING TO WILL

2009-04-22T17:25:00.000-07:00

STEPHEN HAWKING'S WILL COVERS THE NORMAL MUNDANE DETAILS OF A DISPOSITION OF AN ESTATE, BUT THERE IS ONE INTERESTING PROVISION WHICH SOME MAY FIND A LITTLE SURPRISING --PROFESSOR HAWKING'S WISH TO BE STUFFED AND DISPLAYED TO PHYSICS STUDENTS AT CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY WHILE TAPES OF HIS LECTURES ARE PLAYED. Hawking, known for his rye sense of humor, states in his will that the taped lectures which he will give in perpetuity will provide a tremendous financial advantage to the University, as it will have at it's disposal a teacher who will require no salary or benefits.

One Cambridge physics student, Rashmi Sing, commented that "It's a good idea. I mean, it sounds a little strange, but this way we never lose someone so valuable. He just keeps on giving lectures. I wish we had the same arrangement with Einstein."

INTERVIEWS WITH THE DAMNED

2009-04-21T16:41:00.000-07:00

Nothing is sadder than stories of child stars gone bad. As a veteran writer who's interviewed many former child actors I thought I had seen it all until I hunted up the bunch from Winnie the Pooh --to say I was staggered by what I saw is certainly an understatement. Christopher Robbins' involvement with Scientology, Tigger's struggle with Bipolar Disorder, Pooh's paralysis after a drunk driving accident...My time with these tortured souls took its toll emotionally, eventually leading to the end of my marriage. Finally, however, I found it all to be a deeply spiritual experience, one that allowed me to get in touch withy my own humanity in a way that would not otherwise have been possible.

I'll begin with an individual who was the most difficult to locate, both physically and emotionally. Indeed, even after the many hours I spent with him he is still an enigma.

Driving up the gravel driveway to a trailer home that looked like someone had found a crushed tin can and then tried to straighten it back out, I was overpowered by the force of time and place and maybe experienced a little dissociation. It had taken me so long to find this man, in Moulton, Alabama and now, finally, I was about to see...him. I gripped the steering wheel to anchor myself --was this really the final stop for that sweet little child who played Piglet? Superlatives spun through my brain like dust kicked up from a has been writer's pile of unsold manuscripts. He was the youngest, the boldest, the more talented of his group. And now, perhaps, the most lost.

As I stepped from my vehicle, I heard his voice: "Tammy, you ain't fed the dog yet? I bet you done fed your face, bitch."

And then it hit me. Maybe he wasn't lost. Maybe he had finally found himself here amidst his Deep South roots, becoming like so many in the part of the world, an abusive, IV crank user living off a disability check, although with an occasional royalty payment to make things interesting.

I knocked, and again heard the voice --"Tammy, ain't you gonna get that?" The door opened. "Well, shit I guess I have to do everything around here. You that Williams feller?"

I told him I was.

"Well come on in"

We sat in silence for a moment as I studied him. His huge jowels glistened with grease in the soft light, falling down from two huge, sad, angry pig eyes. Rolls of fat subtley shifted as this four hundred pounder made himself comfortable on his couch. I knew instantly that this was a soul who had known suffering.

"I want to thank you for allow--"

He cut me off. "Hell, you don't have to give no apology for being here. I'm the one who told you to come down."

"Allright"

The jowels moved again "I imagine you want me to talk about all the Winnie the Pooh shit. You know, people act like I never accomplished nothing else in my life other than run around the woods with a bunch of British faggots and appear on television. Well, I done a lot of other things, some of them was bad things, but I also did a lot of things right. Anyway, I decided to sit down with you because I think it's time I did talk about some of that mess. I mean, here I was a just a kid, and my daddy signed for me to go live in England, which is a whole other country outside of Alabama. Of course I made some mistakes. But I wasn't the only one.

I pondered where to go at that point. "There has been a lot of talk about what another member of the cast has termed a 'betrayal' on your part." The question lingered in the air as we sat there. I was little alarmed at the aggressivenes of the question that had just tripped out of my mouth. Was he going to get mad, and throw me out?

I was pleasantly suprised: "Yeah, you mean all that with Chris." Piglet's countenance grew wistful. "Now understand, I was very young at the time. Me and Chris Robbins already had a lot of partying under our belts, you see we would go to London on the weekends and pick up chicks, and yes, sometimes we were a little smashed when we showed up on the set Monday morning. But that's just normal stuff everybody goes through. What most people don't know is that Chris is ADD. That's Attention Deficit Disorder. I know because my son Tyler is on ADD medication. Anyways, the day it all happened we as on this big ass estate hunting pheasants which is what they do over there. They had a bunch of poor people lined up driving the pheasants our way to flush 'em out. Right away I knew it was going down hill because Chris would get excited and point his gun the wrong way. I said "Chris, pay attention, this ain't no make believe pooh bear thang goin' down, this shit is real!" Chris would turn his gun around the right way for awhile, but then he'ld start talking and get excited and do the same thing again. So after about four or five times of that mess I decided to get out of there before I ended up in the bag. I had just turned around to leave when I heard "BOOM, BOOM, BOOM." And not a second later "OH MY GOD, I'M SHOT, GOD PLEASE HELP ME I'M SHOT, OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DIE." And then comes Mr ADD himself running up beggin me not to tell anyone he had been pointing his gun the wrong way when he shot that feller, saying he was too young to go to prison and squalling like a two year old. Well, when the police sat me down I told them the truth. Now if that's betrayal, I guess I'm guilty. And ever since that day Chris has been making up all kinds of tales about me...I could go on and on, but I know the truth."

He lit a cigarette and took a deep drag, his large, smoke inflamed eyes rolling around their fat swollen sockets.

"It's along way from Buckingham to prison, isn't it?"

"No doubt" he responded. "Prison ain't no hundred acre wood, let me tell you."
But I'm done dealing, and ain't done any meth in two years."

"And you're done hitting your wife?"

Piglet finally got ticked off at me. "As long as she acts right! There's three thangs I can't stand: women who bitch too much, po-lice who arrest you for no reason, and judges who sent you to prison because they don't like you."

Figuring I needed to back off a little, I smiled and said "You've registered for the local sheriff's race. I'm sure you have a lot to offer with your background, however don't you think your criminal background will be a problem for your campaign?"

"Most people who run for office around here have done time. It's a tradition."

"What one thing would most surprise people about the making of Winnie the Pooh?

"Tigger! It's not an act. When they cut the camera he's running around yelling 'WOOHOO! WOOHOO!' I really don't see how he got cut a paycheck for being on Winnie the Pooh. Hell, that's like payin' me to smoke reefer and watch Bama games."

I spent almost a month with Piglet. We laughed together, cried together. Once I really got to know him I found Piglet to be a sensitive, intelligent, even philosophical person. It was with great sadness that I drove down that gravel road for the last time, past his sons Tyler, Cody and Dakota riding their four wheelers in the soft autumn air. I thought, he's been through so much. We've been through so much. I knew I would never be the same.

LAWYERS BECOMING A NEW SPECIES, UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO ANNOUNCES

2009-04-18T18:13:00.000-07:00

If you've ever thought lawyers were different from most people, you were right. According to researchers at the University of Chicago "In another five generations attorneys will not be able to breed with normal humans." It seems that selective breeding with the scheming sorority girls lawyers invariably marry, together with their own peculiar genetics, are creating a new genotype incompatible with the rest of humanity, something which was recently confirmed in the discovery of the so called "lawyer gene."

Professor Eisenstat of the University explains further: "Using the powerful Five Factor Model of Personality, we find that built into attorneys is a lack of empathy which cannot be estimated by any known metric; the best we can explain it is to state that their score on the Agreeableness trait approaches, to use a physics term, absolute zero. Their average score on Openness to Experience is the most normal, while their status on the Extraversion and Neuroticism scales, is respectively abnormally high, and low. The combination of anomolous status on most of the scales comprises something we think of as factor six, or the shiester complex."

Solutions to the problem are as wide ranging as the lawyers' scores on personality tests. Moreover, the discovery of the lawyer gene brings up some dark reminders of past mishaps in the application of science to social problems, but in a new way. Dr Eisenstat: "Some have even have recommended confining lawyers to special camps, where they could be monitored...of course, we here at the university do not condone this line of thinking in any way, shape or form."

As usual, we will continue to follow this intriguing story....if we don't get sued first.

TOP TEN REASONS PEOPLE HATE JULIANNE HOUGH

2009-04-17T21:13:00.000-07:00

.....

#1 THERE WAS SUCH A HUGE SHORTAGE OF WOMEN WHO LOOK LIKE BARBIE DOLLS IN COUNTRY BEFORE JULIANNE STARTED HER "CAREER"

#2 THE INTERNATIONAL OLYMPIC COMMITTEE HAS NOT ENDORSED GIGGLING AS AN OLYMPIC SPORT

#3 CHUCK, MY MAN, YOU'VE GONE FROM STEALING CINDERELLA TO SHOPLIFTING TAMMY

#4 JULIANNE WILL DANCE WITH ANYONE SHE'S PAID TO DANCE WITH. SO BY EXTENSION, PERHAPS SHE'LL ___________ ANYONE SHE'S PAID TO

#5 IT'S NOT AN ACT. REALLY.

#6 Because she's just the person country needs to improve it's image

#7 WITH RASCAL FLATTS AND TAYLOR SWIFT MAKING IT BIG, COUNTRY WAS HURTING BAD FOR ANOTHER "ARTIST" WHO APPEALS TO SMALL CHILDREN

#8 I'M OLD FASHIONED, BUT STILL BELIEVE A SINGER SHOULD BE ABLE TO SING

#9 BECAUSE IF MS HOUGH HADN'T GOTTEN LUCKY, YOU KNOW SHE'LD BE ANSWERING THE PHONE SOMEWHERE

#10 BECAUSE MAN STEALING IS A FELONY IN MOST SOUTHERN STATES

CHINESE ADMIT FEEDING PRISONERS TO TILAPIA

2009-04-15T17:09:00.000-07:00

THOSE TASTY AND BUDGET FRIENDLY FROZEN TILAPIA PACKS WE ALL GET AT WALMART are the perfect grocery item, it seems. Fish is good for you, and the price is right. However, most people probably do not realize that part of the good deal involves workers at Chinese fish farms feeding processed executed prisoners to the hungry animals.

According to Emily Watson of Human Rights United --"We are used to prisoners being fed cheap food, but what this amounts to is feeding prisoners to the food to make the food cheap. I certainly won't be eating any; I don't care how good of a deal of it."

The Chinese Minister of Agriculture, Wang Xau Bong, was defensive about what he sees as a legitimate and perfectly safe practice: "Please understand, these are very bad people who get fed to fish. They murder, they rape, they so bad people, they poke you in the eye with knife and laugh at you!"

Several reports were not satisfied with Bong's explanation, as he also defended the feeding of executed Falung Gong members and rebellious Tibetans to Tilapia. "Do you not understand Falung Gong is bad? Very bad! Falung Gong deserve to be fish food
--they brain wash young Chinese, want everyone to sit around, mumble all day and no work. They very bad! And wild men from Tibet, they stinky savages, what good are they? Probably Tilapia no want to eat them anyway, they probably no taste good."

One female reporter who pressed the human rights angle on this story was particularly irked at an unabashed come on from Bong: "You beautiful lady. You so hot, I bring you eggroll! You be my girlfriend? I take you to China!"

Bong finally left the press conference due the hostility of Western reporters, shouting "What paper you wit?. I have Chinese student hack your website. I pay you back. Feed you to fish too!"

MARILYN MANSON IS GOING COUNTRY

2009-04-13T16:08:00.000-07:00

IT'S OFFICIAL --MARILYN MANSON CONFIRMS HE WILL BE RELEASING COUNTRY ALBUM SOON, SEVERAL PRESS AGENCIES REPORT. Although some think the move is a bit of a stretch, Reba McEntire, who duets with him on his first country album explains: "Well, here I was sitting by my lonesome at home, looking out the winder, when ol' Marilyn Manson calls me up and says 'Ms McEntire, would you like to do a duet with me on my next album?' So I says to Mr Manson, now you wouldn't be pulling a prank on little ol' Reber would you, and he said no, he's serious, he was so inspired by the work I did with Kelly Clarkson he wanted to see if he could do as good even though he's kind of more of a punk feller he is actually a big fan of blue grass and country. I told him if you ain't yeller let's get 'er done!"

Mr Manson sees the change in genres as a natural: "Talking to Reber, I mean Reba, really clarified my participation in country as the next natural step in my musical evolution. I have to admit, the nihilism thing is getting a little old. It's time for me to come back to earth a little while and communicate about things like cornbread and chicken (I'm a big Allan Jackson fan, by the way). "

Manson's lyrics on the new album are fascinating. He bridges the gap by delivering a transition rendition of an old song with the following lyrics:

Beautiful People! Beautiful People!
Rascal Flatts, Doesn't Rhyme with Steeple!

Manson's version of country is also tender at times, such as in his song "Party Tractor"

I guess I was a little high.
I guess you are a little dead.
Sorry that I did some acid
And drove the John Deere over your head

And as for Manson's new appearance? "It's been my toughest challenge. I found out that a cowboy hat made out of human skin is illegal. I'm still working on that one."

Please check here in coming days for new developments on this story.

OF GULPERS, CONSTIPATION AND MANDY PANTIKIN

2009-04-11T12:44:00.000-07:00

When the David Caruso piece originally ran on Sweetpea-Honeybun there was a lot of controversy and name calling , it seems like some people freak out criticizing Caruso because they think so highly of him. Well, maybe I've done a little name calling myself, but it's all in fun. You see, a lot of well respected actors don't inspire much admiriation in myself; actually their acting style makes me laugh. I'll give you another example: I was talking with a friend about Criminal Minds and couldn't remember the name of the main actor, I just said "You know, that guy that always looks constipated" and she said "Yeah, that's Mandy Patinkin." So here is this actor who is aclaimed as a great artist, when all his acting technique actually comes down to is working up an expression on his face indicative of a diet high in cheese. Mandy Patinkin's acting style comes down to looking constipated whenever something serious is happening --and the more serious the issue on the show, the more constipated he appears. Ok, so where am I going with this? You see, when the Caruso piece first ran last winter there was a lot of back and forth between someone who was allegedly a stalker, and another person who sounded like a groupie. Well the main problem in entertainment is not groupies or stalkers --it's a third group, the vast majority I call Gulpers. You see Gulpers are entertainment consumers who are, well, I think the best way to put this is --easily amused. They see someone on tv solving a murder mystery, with a very serious, very constipated look on their face --and they think it's great! Gulp Gulp, Gulp Gulp. You'll hear them talking excitedly at the office about the great show last night, when they should be working, all excited like they participated in something meaningful, until they get bored with it and the next year are gulping down the same thing in different time slot. Well Gulp on this: I am predicting that Mandy Patinkin's next career move is in country music! You heard it here first! Happy Gulping!

David Caruso --Alzheimer's?

2009-04-09T16:11:00.000-07:00

I have noticed something strange about David Caruso's character on CSI MIAMI. He talks unusually slow, and has a spaced out look like he has dementia. Actually, Caruso's head looks like a shriveled potato with tomato sauce on top and sun glasses. Anyway, CSI Miami is action packed, and then maybe as a counterpoint you have this individual with halting speech saying something like "You're........in.........big......................trouble." I've heard of method acting, but what's the method here? Is Caruso used to pausing a lot while people ask him mental status questions? Such as "Can you tell me what year it is?" Caruso: "..........................I think.....the year, 19....no, it 2000....2000, yes that's the year" Ok, Caruso just got put on Aricept. This guy is making millions to stumble around and talk slow. I guess when he's on vacation he can have anybody from the local nursing home fill in, put on some shades and just be themselves. Anyway, "I'll................talk.....to.......you..................................later."

html has-been careerdeprecated\\ loser *^ no talent

NICK SABAN RESIGNS, SAYS COLLEGE ATHLETICS "EVIL"

2009-01-15T18:03:00.000-08:00

NO ONE WAS EXPECTING IT --BUT AS OF APRIL 1ST, 2009, THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA IN TUSCALOOSA WON'T HAVE NICK SABAN TO LEAD THEM TO ANY MORE VICTORIES. COACH SABAN: "I'm deeply, deeply ashamed of the entire college athletics situation in this nation. I can no longer be part of this charade."

Saban told our reporter in an exclusive interview that he began thinking about his career last year when one of his players was arrested for selling cocaine. "That's when it began, that's when I finally stopped kidding myself about what college athletic programs amount to. I've seen players over they years arrested for all kinds of crimes --usually its assault or rape, a lot of possession of course, but dealing takes the cake. You know, it's a fact that research demonstrates that a highly disproportionate number of criminal acts that occur on college campuses are committed by the athletes. I know it, every coach in the country has always known it, yet we are paid millions to mind these thugs and actually looked up to by people. I'm tired of this shit. I was talking to an old college friend recently who is also a coach. We were talking about all of the low IQ players we have to deal with, how we have to constantly have to plot and scheme to help them get grades, encouraging them to take music appreciation and social work classes, getting them tutors, begging them to study instead of sitting on thier lazy asses talking to ignorant coeds, and he said 'Nick, it's kind of like we're back working at the ARC [Association for Retarded Citizens} on that summer job we both had, isn't it? ' That remark blew me away. He's right. Is there any bigger oxymoron than 'Athletic Scholarship?' A few years back they had some half time features of players who could actually read and write --gee, I wonder why it's necessary to highlight college athletes who are good students? They had one guy who actually liked to write science fiction stories and they made a big deal about that. Wow. I'm sure a lot of our players are really into science and have made a lot of discoveries that benefit the world, like how putting a jersey on makes road whores want to sleep with them, and how they can get jobs after college selling insurance and be the top salesman in the company because people in Alabama are so ignorant that they'll buy some fucking insurance policy insuring their trailer trash asses for a million dollars because they had so much fun listening to a real live former Bama player talk about them Bama games while he greases them up that they'll pretty much buy anything. Oh yeah, that's some real scientific discovering, Mensa material Nobel prizing winning players we've got they're! And you know what, you know what really really got to me? My wife had this Chinese exchange student over last summer who was staying with the neighbor. We were watching, guess what, a football game, and of course the coach was throwing a tantrum. Wu Chang said 'Man make ass out of self' in this heavy Chinese accent that caught me off guard because he was like I guess having Charlie Chan or Confucius on my couch laying down some ancient Chinese wisdom. Ok, so get this, then my wife explains 'Oh, he's not making an ass out of his self. He's a coach. That's how they act.' I wept when she said that. I wept. I have decided to devote the rest of my life to eliminating college athletic programs. Look at it this way. We educate our precious children, our country's future at universities where 99.999 percent of the time you have this fraudulent monster called a basketball progam or a football program which systematically sets up these low lives as people to be admired, all the while these dumb ass jocks are running around with their attitudes laughing at the people who are there to actually study, while they drink, drug, whore, bully, rape, and assault. What kind of filth is this? Is this college athletics thing a secret government program to instill cynicism in the educated? Maybe having these thugs around is part of their education. But what are we trying to teach? --the will to power? And you know what, for all of the idol worship they enjoy, when you really think about it, athletes don't do much that an animal couldn't be trained to do. I have more respect for my dog that most of my linemen. At least dogs have ethics. These thugs sure don't.

The response to the sudden announcement has been close to hysterical. Rick Burgess of the popular "Rick and Bubba Show" said on his program this morning "This is cultural genocide. We believe the liberals, the secular humanists, have gotten to our dear coach. For the first time in my life I am questioning God. I don't think a just God would allow the greatest athletic program in the history of the world to have a coach resign under these circumstances and say what he has said. I am driving to Tuscaloosa immediately after the end of this program, and will not leave until I figure out what is going on."

There are other reports of suicides in Alabama, the South and Midwest. Many workers have not been showing up for their jobs, as they believe there is no longer any reason to continue.

This site will provide updates on this breaking story as soon as they are available.

TOP SEARCH SENTENCE OF THE DAY

2009-01-05T16:11:00.000-08:00

HEATHER LOCKLEAR AND JENNA FISCHER HAD AN ARGUMENT ABOUT TRASHY BEHAVIOR; JENNA SAYS THAT LISTENING TO OVERATED NO TALENTS LIKE JENNIFER LOPEZ, HAVING A CRUSH ON PEYTON MANNING, REFUSING TO QUIT SMOKING, GETTING DRUNK ON A CAMPING TRIP, AND REFINANCING YOUR BASS BOAT ARE EXAMPLES OF TRASHINESS, WHILE HEATHER AND JENNA BOTH AGREED THAT STUDYING WEDDING DRESS DESIGN, BEING INTO JOHN TRAVOLTA FLICKS, AND DRIVING A 1937 BUGATTI ARE AUTHENTICALLY CLASSY STATES OF BEING.

DALE EARNHARDT JUNIOR INSURES SNEER

2009-01-03T19:46:00.000-08:00

DALE EARNHARDT, JUNIOR. SOME SAYS HE'S THE SPITTING IMAGE OF HIS OL' MAN, THE SARCASTIC SPEEDWAY HUSTLER WHO ONCE WAS ACCUSED OF TRYING TO RUN A CIVILIAN OFF THE ROAD ON A NORTH CAROLINA HIGHWAY. Of course, Dale Jr, like his father, isn't quite at the top of his field in objective terms, but no matter how many races he loses, he's the one man in the world proud to be called Junior. "It's like I am. I am. You know chicks dig me. I don't need them, and they know it, and it makes them dig me more. I rise above. I'm good at video games, too."

The attorneys in control of the real Dale know that his persona is more important than his driving skills, so they have gotten Junior's sneer insured for seventy-four million dollars by Lloyd's of London. According to his publicist "That sneer, that says 'I was raised right in church, by a bunch of adults who really didn't believe in anything but themselves, and now I don't have to worry whether or not there is a God, because I am He.' That sneer is what excites the fans. That sneer sells beer, candy bars, pencils, and tampons."

Dale Junior, who in his free time likes to finger paint with Gary Levox and other members of his ultra cool inner circle, is said to have grown even more aloof after getting help for the unusual fixation he had for his dad's fifth wife. Junior "My shrink said I needed to deal with some confusion I had about one of my moms, and that would make it possible for me to have a normal relationship. As far as I'm concerned, however, I'm married to these awesome machines. They're so loud! They make a lot of noise and they go fast. They go real fast!"

Dale Junior is said to be entering a doctorol progam at the University of North Carolina where he will study electrical engineering and moss biology.

SITE EXCLUSIVE

SNEAK PEAK AT THE NEW EDITION OF TWILIGHT

2009-01-03T17:17:00.000-08:00

TWILIGHT, THE RUN AWAY SUCCESS ABOUT YOUNG VAMPIRES, WILL INCORPORATE A TWIST IN THE SEQUEL NO ONE SAW COMING --MIDGET VAMPIRES WHO DIG COUNTRY MUSIC. The lyrics are astounding:

Here I am in my lil' bitty truck
Lookin' out for blood, hope I don't get stuck
Gotta get back, 'for it gets too light
I'm a midget vampire, ready for a fight

There are several interesting plot twists, plus some background that explains why all midget vampires are so into country. The scenery is gripping --at the vampire hideout, the tiny vampires hang upside down by their cowboy boots, their baseball caps firmly tied in place, with huge pictures of their cultural leader, Kenny Chesney all around. And like all country fans, they're intensely patriotic. Several are sent on a secret mission to be flown by Stealth Bomber at night to Pakistan where they infiltrate the Taliban and actually capture Osama Bin Laden. The scene of Osama in a cage back at the vampire hangout is the climax of the movie. Surrounded by giant mounds of beer cans, the drunk midget vampires holler and yell things like "Poke him with a stick!" as they drunkenly humiliate the famous terrorist, who must surely believe he is in hell in this scene even too surreal for Dante's Inferno.

Critics are blown away: "Overpowering. I still can't believe I saw what I saw. It's a whole new Genre given birth before one's eyes."

There are even rumours on the internet about real life midget vampires who listen to country music.

Another Site Exclusive

HILLARY DUFF TO JOIN GOSSIP GIRL CAST

2009-01-03T17:10:00.000-08:00

FANS ARE ABUZZ ABOUT THE RECENT ANNOUNCEMENT THAT HILLARY DUFF WILL FOREGO HER PLANS TO BE A COUNTRY SINGER, AND INSTEAD JOIN THE CAST OF GOSSIP GIRL. "I have the deepest respect for the dramatic art of the series, and want to complement with my new character "Cassie." Cassie will be a mysterious figure who turns out to be an former nun who left he nunnery to open a tattoo parlor where all the hip Gossip kids hang to get trendy tattoos and a little wisdom from Hillary, who acts as sort of a
"cool mom/big sister" to the self absorbed kids she lays ink on."

PAT SAJAK GETS NASTY

2009-01-03T16:45:00.000-08:00

SOURCES CONFIRM THAT A RECENT CALLER TO A LA RADIO SHOW WHO CLAIMED TO BE PAT SAJAK REALLY WAS...PAT SAJAK. To be fair, we have to make it clear that the DJ's, Marv and Meringo, two very up and coming young talents on the California airwaves, were hitting below the belt as they made fun of what some would say is an easy target. A sample of the dialogue: "Meringo: Yeah, you know that Pat is one of those people that make you so damn sick when you think of them being a millionaire, because you know their stuff is not an act. Nobody could be that damn square and boring, and it's like..." Marv: "Yeah, it's like there isn't even a word in English or Chinese or Klingon to describe how boring this guy is and you know that he's sitting around with five millionare dollars in his pocket change saying unbelievable things like 'Oh, you know that Ford Tauras that is really a sexy car. I have five of them, those cars are so hot.' " (Wild laughter from Meringo) "Oh yeah, he would look at a picture of Martha Washington or Barbara Bush and say 'Man, those two ladies really make me want to be president, they had such hot wives.' Meringo: "I bet (can't talk due to laughing so much), I bet, yeah I bet he has a paper plate collection..." Marv "Oh God, (laughter) yes, Pat Sajak has the ultimate paper plate collection and tries to impress chicks with it. He's like the only guy in LA with more than twenty million dollars who can't pick up chicks because every time he takes them up to his pad and brings out the paper plates." Meringo "Isn't he married?" Marv: "Yeah, I'm sure. He has to be. He probably is sitting at home talking to his wife about what cultivar of green beans he plans to set out in his garden." Meringo: "You know, maybe people like that should not be having children. Maybe there should be laws." Marv: "It's getting very dark in here. Very, very dark. Uh, oh, we have a caller. Hello, ok this is Pat?" Caller: "Yes, yes this is Pat Sajak. This is Pat. You have my attention." Marv: "Can you prove it?" Meringo: "Yeah, like tell us your favorite kind of paper plate" Marv: "Yeah, say something authentically boring. Get us excited about spelling" Caller: "Ok, spell this, L-O-W L-I-F-E." Marv: "What's this? The paper plate man getting riled. Have we burst his bubble of autistic incandescence?" Meringo: "What if it really is Pat Sajak, what if he has 'his people' after us?" Marv: "Yeah, his people, I bet there are super fans who would be highly offended. We need to get one of these people on the show." Caller "F*** Off!" Meringo: "Man, we are dead. We are dead." Marv: "I'm getting a bodyguard."

A Site Exclusive

MOST POPULAR SEARCH SENTENCE OF THE WEEK

2009-01-03T16:33:00.000-08:00

KATE BOSWORTH AND AMANDA DETMER WERE LISTENING TO A HIP AND HAPPENIN' BEYONCE/PINK MIX ON THEIR STEREO WHILE WATCHING A WOLVERINE TRAILER AND TALKING ABOUT WEDDING VENUES, WHEN IN POPPED WILL SMITH WHO TOLD THE STARTLED KATE AND AMANDA THAT HE SECRETLY CONVERTED TO SCIENTOLOGY THREE YEARS AGO, AND SINCE THEN HAS ACHIEVED OPERATING THETAN LEVEL FIVE WHERE HE LEARNED THAT AUTISM IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF HUMAN CONSCIOUSNESS AND THE ONLY WAY FOR THOSE OF US WITH NORMAL MINDS TO ACTUALIZE OUR CAPACITY TO EXPERIENCE IS BY MAKING RATIONAL DECISIONS ABOUT ORGANIZING OUR LIVES, THROUGH SUCH BANAL MEANS AS USING CLOSET ORGANIZERS AND MAKING SENSIBLE PURCHASES LIKE BUYING A TOYOTA PRIUS

BLAGOJEVICH RESIGNS AFTER FINDING RACE HORSE HEAD IN HIS BED

2008-12-26T16:42:00.000-08:00

THE HEADLINE SAYS IT ALL. AND ANYONE FAMILIAR WITH ILLINOIS POLITICS ISN'T SURPRISED. WHAT IS STARTLING HOWEVER, IS THE OUT IN THE OPEN NATURE OF RAHM EMANUEL'S involvement in the uh, highly emphatic message that was sent to the ex-governor. Emanuel: "Yeah, I did it. You have a fucking problem with that? Maybe I need to pay a trip to your own stable."

This site has decided to do no further reporting on this story.

JULIANNE HOUGH APPOINTED TO OBAMA'S SENATE SEAT

2008-12-26T16:35:00.000-08:00

IN A MOVE THAT SURPRISED EVERYONE, JULIANNE HOUGH WAS OFFICIALLY APPOINTED THE NEW SENATOR FROM ILLINOIS, THE MOST HONEST STATE IN THE UNION (BESIDES LOUISIANA). Governor Blagojevich states that "Ms Hough has proven through her ability to dance, sing and steal men that she is the kind of elected official the state of Illinois is used to, the kind of leader we deserve."

Ms Hough reportedly giggled a lot when the announcement was made.

What's Chace Crawford gonna do??

2008-12-20T07:36:00.000-08:00

LET TAYLOR SWIFT AND CARRIE UNDERWOOD HAVE A MUD WRESTLING PIT MATCH OVER HIM?? OR COULD KELLY RIPA AND MARK CONSQUELOS GET INVOLVED?? OR JENNIEFER ANISTON WITH HER ((NOW EVERYBODY KNOW THAT THEY ARE TOGETHER--JOHN MAYER))GET INVLOVED IN IT, TOO?? THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING, RIGHT, SATIREPATCH FANS?? Y'ALL HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!! REMEMBER TO CATCH UP ON YOUR FUNNIES--LOOK UP SATIRE PATCH FOR THE LATEST AND THE GREATEST!!

SWEETPEA'S SNEAKING IN AGAIN!! SWEETPEA

That on David Patterson was horrendous

2008-12-16T05:22:00.000-08:00

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SWEETPEA'S SNEAKIN' IN...
I KNOW THIS IS A SATIRICAL WEBSITE BLOG, BUT I JUST WANTED TO MAKE A POINT TO YOU SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE PEOPLE!! THAT WAS JUST CRUEL AND UNLAWFUL. PLUS MEAN!! THE GOV. CAN'T HELP HE'S BLIND!! I HOPE Y'ALL FEEL BAD AND KNOW NOW!! TO LAY OFF THINGS LIKE THAT!! ANYONE OUT THERE AGREE WITH ME??!! COME ON!! SHARE YOUR OPINIONS WITH THE SWEETPEA OR ON THE SATIRE PATCH!!

MARCH FIRST 2009 WILL BE FIRST ANNUAL "FART ON A LAWYER DAY"

2008-12-15T17:55:00.000-08:00

TWO HUNDRED YEARS AGO SOMEONE DESCRIBED LAWYERS AS "THE ARBITERS OF JUSTICE FOR MEN MORE HONEST THAN THEMSELVES" Unfortunately, not much has changed since. Someone, however, intends to raise a stink about the situation with the first
"FART ON A LAWYER DAY" being set for March 1st of next year.
With a strategy similar to the Anonymous group that recently attacked Scientology, a mysterious web-based organization billing itself "COURT OF JACOBUS" sent out mass e-mails as early as November promoting the new day. A sample of their material: "They walk around court houses with smirks on their faces while the tired, sad people they prey upon sit on benches for hours waiting for their cases to be heard. They exist like eternal children, permanently cemented into their frat boy/ sorority house personalities, like the teenage boy kings of old engorged in their fiat after the untimely demise of the legitimate ruler. These parasites resist all legal remedies, because they are the law. We call for mass flatulence against this satanic force as the last result in a world where those who break the law suffer, those who obey the law struggle, and those who make the law shit on us all." (This is one of their milder publications.)
There are detailed instructions describing the appropriate prep for the first day of March. Besides beans, Bok Choy is highly recommended as diet. Participants are told to dress like attorneys themselves as they approach their target, and acting on the "He Who Smelt it Dealt It" principle, act as if they don't understand the startled reaction from those sampling the odiferous substance.
Court of Jacobus: "Of all the senses, smell gets down to the core level of the brain without being filtered out by the false constructions of our attorney based society. Thus a deeper truth is reached. No longer will people curse attorneys during the day time, and then go home and enjoy their cute antics on a show like 'Boston Legal.' We shall leave a scent that can never be washed out. Gas is our salvation. Gas is our future."
Predictably, Attorney Advocacy groups are furious: "What we have here is a small group of lunatic anarchists who don't even understand the legal system. And guess what --when we find out who is behind this, we are going to sue them!"
Already, there are signs that there will be heavy participation in the event. Sale of cabbage, beans, and especially Bok Choy are going through the roof. Security contractors report being completely book for the first week of March.

As always, SP will sniff out any new developments on this story

SAVANTS AT DINNER

2008-12-11T16:17:00.000-08:00

THE MARILYN MANSON/REBA McENTIRE DUET THAT NEVER HAPPENED http://satirepatch.blogspot.com/2008/06/marilyn-manson-goes-country.html--FOR A FEW SHINING DAYS, it was the talk of the airwaves and many wondered --this impossible thing, could it be possible? As it turned out, it was impossible, however, the true story of the breakdown in the groundbreaking collaboration that was to be but never was is even more extraordinary than the thought of a man named Marilyn and woman called Reba singing together.

One of our reporters was finally able to get the inside scoop from Reba herself, after many months of trying. "You see" Reba told our interviewer "I was fully pre-pared to go ahead with it. I was all excitable about it. I remember driving up 65 past the Tennessean Truck Stop and I got a call on my remote control phone from my husband, Darnell. Darnell rings me and he is a saying 'Reber, I talked to your new buddy and he's coming over for lunch tomorrow afternoon.' Well I knew what he was talking about right away and I about wrecked my Mercedes. I said Darnell, don't you know I'm supposed to get my patootie checked tomorrow afternoon? Don't you 'member nothin'?! And Darnell is like 'Oh, uh sorry babe, yeah you got that dr appointment tomorrow for the gynecological doctor and such. How 'bout tellin' that guy, uh whatever he is, how about Thursday night?' So I says that's good, yeah, ok got to go."

"Ok, well now just because somebody is from a different kind of lifestyle we gonna do them right, so ol' Marilyn Manson comes over for dinner that Thursday dressed like a haint as usual, and we got this real nice dinner ready for him with real wine from France that I bought. And you know what, that ol' boy can act normal when he wants. We was havin' us a real nice discussion and then all sudden he says 'So, Reber, when Darnell dies, do you plan to have him stuffed?' Well let me tell you, I wasn't raised to talk about no stuff like that at the supper table, so I says 'You get the hell out of my house you damn freak!' And Darnell gets up and says 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass!'

Well, while Darnell is a puttin' him in his place, ol' Marilyn decides to get while the gettin' is good. Then I asked Darnell, I says now why didn't you kick his ass? And Darnell says 'Now baby, would you want Marilyn Manson's blood all over this house? We would have to have it fumigated, castigated and incinerated for the next five hundred years. That boy has probably got disease thangs livin' inside his body that scientific doctors don't even got no name for!!' And I said Sugar, you know can't nobody ever say I don't got a smart husband.

Right now I'm working on my thangs to say for the next Country Music Awards in '09. this year Carrie Underwood did the awards and everybody said she was boring and they want me back so I'm writin' down cute thangs to say. I get up on them awards and says my cute thangs, and people laugh at my cute thangs, and they pay me a million dollars! I doing purdy good for a cross-eyed simpleton from Oklahoma!"

This site will also be covering Reba's appearance at the Gary Levox Finger Painting Gallery in Nashville at the end of January. Stay tuned!

BRITNEY SPEARS PLANS TO TEAR DOWN GREAT WALL OF CHINA

2008-12-02T15:59:00.000-08:00

AT A PRESS CONFERENCE TUESDAY BRITNEY HAPPENED TO MENTION TO REPORTER THAT SHE OWNS PROPERTY IN BEIJING. "My accountant dude bought it he said China is a good place to
speculate on thangs like houses and such. I went there and I liked it real good but this big wall blocks my view. So I asked my daddy if we could tear it down, and daddy told me 'Girl, they tell me around here you pay off the right official person, and you can do anything you want.' So I got daddy tearing down the wall. They call it 'The Great Wall' but I think it sucks."

The reporters were taken aback, but were able to follow Britney's...reasoning. A TIMES correspondant suggested that destroying a cultural monument might anger some, and certainly is ethically questionable, but Britney was undeterred. "I think Chinese people suck. They smell like egg rolls, and they got this big wall out in the middle of nowhere for no reason. I'm gonna have daddy tell someone to tear it down. It's in my way."

ANOTHER SP EXCLUSIVE!

MANATEES ON RAMPAGE, JONAS BROTHERS GET INVOLVED

2008-11-29T15:17:00.000-08:00

IF YOU THOUGHT MANATEES WERE PLACID HERBIVORES WHO ONLY WANT TO BE LOVED, you may rethink your opinion of the marine mammals after reading this exclusive story out of Florida about a population of the species which has gone berserk. According to one eyewitness of an attack "It was the most horrendous thing I've ever seen. I was fishing and about thirty yards behind me some elderly gentlemen were casting from their boat, and suddenly this huge manatee jumped up in the boat with them, and began biting their necks. One of the men died instantly. The other man...the other man was eaten alive as he screamed for help."

Other eyewitnesses tell of the animals working in teams as they prey on humans near shore. "One of the manatees acted like it was caught in fishing line, and made a whimpering sound. When some concerned people gathered around, they discovered they were surrounded by other manatees which had surrounded them while the people were distracted. What happened next was unspeakable."

Theories as to why the manatees have become meat eaters range from rabies to chicken antibiotics effecting their brain chemistry. The native Seminoles also have some wisdom on the subject: "The old ones speak of a time when the water bears as we call them would become deranged and attack the people. They said it was because the Great Spirit was unhappy. We think that what's happening now is due to the Great Spirit's anger over the millions of people moving into Florida and destroying nature."

The Great Spirit must be quite chagrined. Law enforcement say that even when shot several times the manatees keep coming. "We pumped over six hundred rounds into one of them before it stopped. I've never seen anything like it. I think we need the military to get involved. These damn things are just too much for us."

Although pentagon officials have bitterly resisted the requests by state officials to divert troops from the middle east, another party has stepped forward to join in the fight. According to the eldest Jonas brother, who's real name is Fred "We found out yesterday one of our fans was killed by a manatee. We are pissed off. Very pissed off. The manatees have messed with the wrong pop stars. We are going to do something to the manatees they've had coming for quite awhile now. We are going to use every bit of transportation we can get a hold of, bring down every bit of musical equipment in our entire show, and plug it all in. Then we are going to channel the electricity into their favorite river, and shock the heck out of them. Let me tell you, pretty soon the Jonas brothers will be eating manatee steak. And we're inviting our fans to the barbeque."

A SITE EXCLUSIVE

DAVID CARUSO WILL RECEIVE BAILOUT MONEY TO PAY FOR ACTING LESSONS

2008-11-24T16:15:00.000-08:00

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DAVID CARUSO, AN INDIVIDUAL WHO HAS SQUINTED AND STAMMERED HIS WAY INTO FAME, will receive no less than 16 million dollars of federal bailout money to underwrite acting lessons. Although the current administration has resisted the pressure to help Caruso, pressure from increasingly assertive Democrats has led to a pledge for a special rider to the current bailout bill which will pay for acting lessons. Speaker Pelosi explained why: "I come from a state where the entertainment industry brings in billions. Everyone else's amusement is our bread and butter. And now that things are getting tougher in the real world, people no longer think that Caruso's make believe 'acting' skills are cute anymore. The whole Zietgiest is all about getting back to basics and being for real; nothing is more illusory than Mr Caruso's theatrical talent, yet his third rate acting is causing real damage to the industry's bottom line."

Insider's close to the administration elect say that Obama is particularly disturbed about how Caruso's mediocrity is hurting America's image abroad. Our source spoke frankly about a meeting with the cabinet in waiting where the president elect laid it on the line insofar as his thoughts on the ginger headed thespian: "I want something done about Caruso" Obama is said to have stated. "When people in other countries see that man set up as someone who is talented and worth watching, it makes folks abroad question the basic judgement of our average citizen. Caruso is a threat to national security. Either get him acting lessons, or give him a cabinet post where he will do a lot less damage." Those attending the meeting have aparently chosen the former option.

SITE EXCLUSIVE

BARACK OBAMA'S SECRET PLEASURE

2008-11-22T17:50:00.000-08:00

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A CURIOUS PHENOMENON OF THE LEFT IS THEIR SOMETIMES HYPOCRITICAL PRIVATE LIFE. Several western culture bashing Soviet leaders were known to be big fans of Hollywood movies. The Clintons aroused controversy early on by sending their daughter to a private school despite their public opposition to school vouchers which would rescue poor children from typicaly hideous DC schools. Likewise it turns out that out the new Amerian President has carefully hidden an unusual passion which would literally turn the stomachs of most liberals: "Barack is really into horse meat."

What began as a fraternity style childish stunt years ago, serving horse meat at a college party when Barack first ate horse meat, has developed into an intense love affair between the man and beast. Our source tells us that all of the men in Barack's inner circle consume the meat with him at private dinners, where they imbibe claret and share their innermost thoughts. "It's sort of a macho thing" our source says. "Barack delights in how politically incorrect eating horse meat is, while he's consoled with the fact that if it became public it wouldn't quite be on the level of Monica Lewinsky. I mean, in other countries horse is seen as a delicacy. The flesh is sweet, and very healthy too. It's very low in fat. Probably no one will ever know that the future course of country's history was determined at horse dinners with Barack and David Axelrod."

It's also a little inside joke between Michelle and Barack. They know some big Democratic donors who have rescued wild mustangs from the pet food factory, and sometimes they'll make little remarks about calling "One of those horse people up" and serving up some "french food" as they euphemistically call it. "When they see a horse on television, and especially if they see an advertisement for one of those old movies about a teenage girl and a horse, they will die laughing."

A SATIREPATCH EXCLUSIVE

OBAMA WILL APPOINT WILLIAM AYERS HEAD OF VETERANS ADMINISTRATION

2008-11-15T16:27:00.000-08:00

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AN INSIDE SOURCE CLOSE TO OBAMA HAS MADE IT CLEAR THE PRESIDENT ELECT WILL NOT BE AVOIDING CONTROVERSIAL APPOINTMENTS --Within days the appointment of Professor Ayers as head of the Veterans Administration will be made official. "Senator Obama believes he's made the right choice, and he's not backing down" from the expected hail of criticism the appointment is expected to make.

The sixties ultra radical himself provided this website with an exclusive interview, and his perspective on the whole issue of how the Vietnam era relates to what is going on today is fascinating. "What people don't think about is that so called terrorists like myself were just as much of a victim of the Vietnam War as were the veterans. With everything I've been through, of course I can empathize with this country's heroes. I'll be there for them. And if any Veteran's hospital provides substandard service, I'll have it blown up. But I'll make sure the building is evacuated first. I'm a different person now."

So where did this distinguised professor at the University of Illinois at Chicago begin his journey? "I was a child of privelege. If a poor kid got no bicycle, and a middle class kid got one bicycle, well I got three, or four. I had everything I wanted. I could have been the most satisfied person in the world but I always knew deep down inside that I was here to make a contribution, not just be a parasite like the rest of the Scotch guzzling country club rats in my family."

And Ayers' first act of radicalism? It all began with an ant farm..."Ok, you want to hear something I've never divulged in an interview? My first act of social change began when I got an ant farm. Of course, we were rich, so I got two. Well, one day the two ant farms discovered one another, and the first thing that happened was combat. Here I was this nine year old kid, I'm in awe of the beauty of nature manifest in these exquisitely intricate insect societies, and then suddenly the dark side emerges. Because let me tell you, when ants are at war, it's beyond anything you can imagine. They rip one another's head off with their huge jaws, and sometimes the soldier ants even continue fighting after their bodies are cut in two. It's horrendous. So you know what I did? For three years of my young life, whenever I saw the soldiers fighting, I poured lighter fluid on them, and burned them alive. And guess what --after three years of that kind of attention, I had the most peace loving ants in the world. I also knew I had the power to change our society."

Ayers plans an equally systematic treatment for retired soldiers' psychological needs. "Let me tell you something" Bill told this reporte, with heavy emotion "All you hear about from people who've been in a War zone is 'PTSD this' and 'PTSD that'.
I'm sick of it. What veterans really need to do is go to a good college like Berkely or the University of Illinois and have their Neo-Fascist brainwashing deconstructed. I'll make it a requirement that they take courses in womens' studies, transgender appreciation, and jazz history. If we don't do something about their thinking, their children will be raised to be just as bellicose as they are, and I'll be sitting in a nursing home somewhere listening to a Republican President making an address to the nation about the need to invade Greenland because he's certain the Eskimos have weapons of mass destruction. This shit has all got to stop."

ANOTHER SP EXCLUSIVE

DETAILS OF OBAMA'S STIMULUS PACKAGE EMERGE

2008-11-12T16:03:00.000-08:00

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AS HE FACES THE WORST FINANCIAL CRISIS SINCE THE GREAT DEPRESSION, Barack Obama is looking to an oldfashioned solution to healing the economic pain --instead of sending checks to taxpayers, however, the President Elect will employ the National Guard to begin delivering millions of tons of government cheese. "It's a high priority for his administration" says one inside source. "He knows government cheese has been a success in the past, and he wants to repeat this, only he will target different segments of the public with different types of cheese."

In a Robin Hood style move, the poorest will get Brie and Stilton, and even Camembert for those who are homeless. The middle class will get cheddar, while the wealthy will have to settle for that crappy Soy cheese they sell at discount grocers.

"Barack believes it's all about the cheese. He knows it's not just about having cheese, but the right kind of cheese. And he believes it is government's role to determine who gets what kind of cheese. He refers to it as 'Cheese Redistribution.'"

Former President Jimmy Carter has come out strongly in favor of Cheese Redistribution, as has the entire surviving Kennedy Clan, and the Most Reverend Jeremiah Wright, who recently told his church members in a fiery sermon: "God bless America? God damn America for giving poor people bad cheese, while America has been dropping atom bombs on peoples' heads, and disrespecting people of color all over the world by not giving them any cheese at all!"

Our source puts it plainly: "Barack is a student of history, and he knows that he has an historic opportunity to do something about cheese that will make a difference in peoples lives. He is also not unaware of the immense popularity that government cheese programs have always had. Right now he owns this issue."

A SATIREPATCH EXCLUSIVE

MOVE OVER JOAQUIN, HELLO ARKANSAS!

2008-11-10T17:42:00.000-08:00

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FIRST THERE WAS RIVER. THEN THERE WAS JOAQUIN. NOW, IT'S ARKANSAS PHEONIX, the unknown Pheonix brother, to the rescue of the family tradition. Joaquin: "Arkansas is young, he's sharp, and we've kept him away from the media all his life while he lived in Arkansas. We knew he would be safe there, because as everyone knows Quantum Mechanics proves that Papparazzi cannot exist in Arkansas."

So what's Arkansas like? He's edgy, in an unconvential way. "I like to read about moss biology. I also like Yo Yo's. I can't explain it --the combination works for me."

Arkansas' acting career began when he played a crucial role in his high school's adaptation of "To Kill A Mockingbird." "It was my idea to substitute Chinese people in the place of African Americans. Arkansas is a very conservative place, but the book has been out for so long now I had to come up with some other way of making it controversial."

There are already rumours about who he's dating in Hollywood. "I don't mind telling
people who I'm spending time with, because that's pretty obvious. I just try to manage to keep my feelings about the people I care about to myself. Anne (Hathaway) is around me a lot, and I think that should speak for itself. The most important thing about our relationship is that we both like Unicycles. Also, I'm intrigued by the fact that she has a three legged dog."

Some have ventured that Arkansas may be the most eccentric Pheonix yet. "If I like to visit wildlife refuges and scream and curse at Whooping Cranes, people should respect me for the choices I make. I don't think I'm endangering them any. They're pretty big birds, and they seem like they're doing fine. And you know what, I have needs too."

Even more revealing is Arkansas' first movie contract, for the upcoming "Plastic Ice Bonanza" which is a post modern remake of the tv classic Bonanza, only in this case Hoss and the rest live on a ranch in 1990's Colorada where an aging rancher tries to save his spread by cooking meth at the bunkhouse. According the one critic "The scene where Arkansas gives a cow a bunch of crank mixed in with his feed, and then cries as the tormented bovine goes crazy, there's a savage beauty that transcends all art. This one scene alone makes Arkansas immortal."

A SATIREPATCH EXCLUSIVE

BILLY RAY CYRUS WILL RECEIVE PRESIDENTIAL PARDON

2008-11-10T17:22:00.000-08:00

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IN THE TWILIGHT OF THE INTERREGNUM, A PRESIDENT EXERCISES HIS LAST MOMENTS OF POWER by redeeming those he deems deserving of his mercy. Clinton's pardons were quite controversial. Bush's, we have recently learned, may be even more so. As Billy Ray Cyrus faces possible prison time for crimes against humanity being developed at the The Hague, Bush seeks to shield Mr Cyrus who he sees as a decent American. According to a well placed source in the Bush White House, "The President thinks Mr Cyrus has been punished enough --he knows that Billy will have to live with Hannah Montana, Dancing with The Stars, and that shit under his chin for the rest of his life. And he knows that he can't live with himself if he lets the Europeans extradite him."

A little known fact in the States is that Europeans have a deep hatred of Billy Ray Cyrus. Bush, it seems, sees protection of Cyrus as a way of sticking it to the effete
continental socialists he so despises. He knows that having to live with the reality that Billy Ray is free to impact world culture is far more punishing to them than would be, say, an American defeat in Iraq. He knows that the French in particular will suffer from their almost pathological fear of the man they call "L'imbecile terrible."

Ironically, if you think Billy is grateful, you may be in for a suprise. "I don't need no pardon" proclaims Billy. "I just need to get me another tv show going in Japan or some other place over there in Europe and they'll like me good. People like me, even if they are foreign people. Maybe I can teach them people how to enjoy fried taters. They'll really love me then."

SATIREPATCH

CALIFORNIA CRACKER BARREL GOES PUNK

2008-11-08T18:15:00.000-08:00

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CRACKER BARREL IS KNOWN FOR ITS HEARTY MEALS, OLD FASHIONED COUNTRY STORE THEME, AND FRIENDLY SERVICE, but apparently that wasn't enough for the franchise to make it in liberal San Francisco. "We were desperate" says store manager Randy Freis. "It just wasn't working like the restaurants in other parts of the country. So we adapted, and the pick up in business is spectacular."

The adaption Freis is referring to includes waitresses with blue hair, servers wearing dog collars, and a gift shop full of sex toys. There is also some fascinating dining room theater. "When the customers finish their meal, they're asked if they are satisfied" says Freis. "Most of the time they say they aren't, even if they enjoy the meal, because dissatisfied patrons are encouraged to lash their waitress with a paper whip, and as she bends over to receive her punishment she licks her lips and says things like 'Oh, I've been sooo bad. Oh, but it's soooo good.'"

Freis --"My favorite part is when a group of what I call Cracker Punkers want to tell us they had a good time. They all yell 'Over her, motherfucker' and the dining room manager walks over and gets gobbed. And because we are a traditional, old timey place, we play that old timey hit by Fear, you know, the one that says 'Fuck you, I Don't Care About You' It is so damn awesome."

Of course, being gobbed means having a pack of punkers spit on you in a frenzy. So this reporter popped the big question --what happens when some innocent tourist walks in expecting checkered table clothes and whole wheat muffins?

Freis grins wickedly "We show those folks a lot of mercy. After all, we had an elderly lady from Missouri have a seizure when we first went punk. We tell them that this is an progressive Cracker Barrel, and they enter at their own risk...then we pull out a tattoo gun and ask them where they want to start."

SATIREPATCH

NBC SHOW "THE WHISPERER WHISPERER" DEBUTS IN DECEMBER

2008-11-08T18:04:00.000-08:00

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IT SEEMS AS IF THERE'S A WHISPERER FOR EVERY PROBLEM THESE DAYS, as well as a show for every Whisperer. Well, NBC is set to outdo the other Whisperer Shows with "The Whisperer Whisperer" about a guy who's really good at influencing people who have a lot of influence. The hero of the show has noticed that a lot of mayhem is being caused by different Whisperers working at cross purposes. For instance, the Cat Whisperer teaches a cat to stop putting his muddy paw prints on vehicles; problem is, the Lawyer Whisperer has convinced an evil attorney to stop stealing from dementia sufferers, and instead pursue the far less injurious practice of Paw Print Litigation. With no muddy paw prints to greet vehicle vain parvenues as they get their morning paper, the lawyer goes back to having senile nursing home patients sign over their property to his benevolent care. The Whisperer Whisperer clears up the mess by convincing the Cat Whisperer and Lawyer Whisperer to work together, and they soon clear up the mess by convincing the evil attorney to run for congress on a platform of protecting Seniors and preventing animal cruelty.

There's a romance element also, with a lot of double entendres and love hate vibe between the Whisperer Whisperer and his sexy assistant. Whenever he tries to impress her, she says "Oh, you're just trying to Whisper me. Well, I'm the one person you can't Whisper." The Whisperer Whisperer himself is conflicted by his desire to do good, and his temptation to take advantage of his awesome powers for selfish reasons. The show usually ends on a lighter note, with the Whisperer Whisperer trying to for instance Whisper his plumber into giving him a discount, and his assistant laughing at him when he ends up being overcharged anyway.

Later on in the season there's talk of a reality show called "Who's the Whisperer?" and a docudrama with the tite "The Terrorist Whisperer --Can He Talk Bin Laden Out of His Cave?"

A SATIREPATCH EXCLUSIVE!!

CARRIE UNDERWOOD: THE CHILDHOOD SHE NEVER TALKS ABOUT

2008-11-05T15:50:00.000-08:00

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IF YOU THOUGHT CARRIE UNDERWOOD CAME FROM THE PERFECT, BEAVER CLEAVER SMALL TOWN FAMILY YOU WERE WRONG. In an interview to be published by a London newspaper next month Carrie reveals a darker past than anyone could imagine: "For the first eight years of my life I was kept in a pen with dogs, and made to bark by my family before I would be given food. Of course, I only recalled this after years of intensive therapy. But then repressed memories are normal for someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder."

It adds up. Her "Jesus Take the Wheel" song makes Carrie sound like she's born again, while her other hits make her sound like a violent tramp who's ready to argue with her probation officer over why she missed her domestic violence class last week. And then there's that video where she's shown rapidly changing vocational uniforms....

"I'm just now coming to terms with my real past. I knew I needed help while I was watching the 'American Girl' video and had the most massive flashback ever. My therapist says she's really proud of me now. You're only as sick as your secrets. Well, I've been putting on the biggest facade, the most elaborate show ever. Ironically, when I look perfect to you, I'm actually in a zone where I'm not healthy. Now, now, I'm being who I am. I'm laying it all out on the table. This is me."

Carrie she has been exploring new musical genres lately: "My therapy has led me to a place where I want a platform for expressing my rage. No more pretending. I'm really getting heavy into punk."

This site will be certain to provide information on the availability of Carrie's punk release once it becomes available.

A SATIREPATCH EXCLUSIVE!!!!

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN PENS CONTROVERSIAL OBAMA LYRICS

2008-11-04T17:24:00.000-08:00

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MOST EVERYONE BY NOW KNOWS THAT THE BOSS IS A BIG FAN OF OBAMA --WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW is that his feelings run a little deeper than just admiration for a distinguished politician. As Bruce himself puts it in his new song

OH, YOU WONDERFUL MAN
OBAMA, YOU WONDERFUL MAN
DON'T YOU KNOW I'LL DO ALL I CAN
SO PLEASE, LET ME HOLD YOUR HAND

When interviewed about the suggestive lyrics Springsteen was clearly a little embarrassed, but not backing down either. "There's a part of me that I've never talked about publicly, and it took this wonderful, wonderful man to bring it out. I'm very jealous of his wife. I can just imagine her rubbing his back after a long day of speech making. Only thing is, I wish I could take her place sometimes."

The Obama campaign has declined comment.

A SATIREPATCH EXCLUSIVE

WHAT'S HAPPENING AT PUBLIX?

2008-11-01T07:39:00.000-07:00

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This news account contains graphic language which
some readers may find offensive

PUBLIX IS KNOWN FOR BEING A SPIFFY, employee owned grocery store that's got a boutique feel to it. They're Jaguars in the parking lot, the staff is super professional, and the aisles are full of delicacies. So why are people....in Publix? What's happening there is one of the strangest phenomena ever reported by this journalist, a subject definitively course in nature. Although the Columbia School of Journalism in me shudders at the vulgarity of it all, there's no way around it --people are shitting in Publix.

The closest cultural comparison would be the streaking wave of the seventies,however one must admit that this, this, whatever it is, has a different feel to it. My own experiences at the store are limited. I've been there a couple of times, but yes, come to think of it, it was a bit blue blooded for me. And, you know what, I do remember having the vague feeling that I'ld be more comfortable getting my goods at the local Piggly Wiggly here in Columbia, South Carolina. But it's been about a year since I visited. Time to do some investigative journalism.

I'm in the store now --and my first reaction? This is neat. They've got stuff Like types of rare cheese I haven't seen in a long time. I can bring this home with a good bottle of wine (the choice of vintages is excellent, of course) and it'll make dinner a little more fun. Wife'll be happy, and even more impressed that I got it at Publix. But then I asked the girl at the deli about cake decorating because it occured to me that my daughter's birthday is next month. And the girl at the deli didn't smile. She was extremely polite in a serious sense, like she was worried about doing the wrong thing. Maybe, she was a little fearful of getting in trouble if she did something wrong. She reminded me of me at work when I'm concerned I might be messing up. What the hell? I thought. I'm getting vicariously stressed talking about a cake at a grocery store. What's going on here?

The check out went ok. Of course, I had to back out of my parking spot carefully because I sure didn't want to scratch the Lexus next to me.

Some background information from research: Headquarters, Lakeland Florida. Stores in five states. Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, Tennessee and Alabama. I was startled. To be in Publix is to think one is standing on Mount Olympus. Yet someone shopping in California can never know Publix. Someone in New York is Publix deprived. Even elegant Paris is sans Publix. Maybe Publix needs missionaries to bring THE EXPERIENCE to these dark lands.

A thing of perfection such as Publix existing only in the South? The background to this background is that after the Second World War the Southern United States began converting itself from being a back water to being a leader. After all, most people still don't think about the fact that Werner Von Braun and his merry band of German rocket scientists settled in Alabama after their contract with the Fuhrer was cancelled, and got us hoppin' around on the moon, and thinking about the future, instead of the past. And then there was Ted Turner. And a whole bunch of other smart, successful people did things like the guy from ol' Bammy who invented Wikipedia. Naturally, the region of the country that brought us CNN and Wikipedia had to create PUBLIX. It was a mandate of the Logos.

Something's still missing. I'm not getting something here. I am doing it wrong. I feel it, deep, deep down in the soul of my wordprocessor. Ok, then look at myself. I'm visiting this place alone. Yet we are a social species. One needs to enter any environment one is studying not as one but as a whole. I learn more when I do things as a whole.

My son likes Publix, though he's like me in that it's more like he's having fun because it's a new experience. Although he does seem more mature in the P place. He walks around the aisles with a mildly serious face. The change hits him as soon as he walks in. I wonder --what would a juvenile delinquent do here? No way could somebody shoplift or get into a fight in a place like this. It just wouldn't occur to the most criminally minded person in the world to break the law HERE. This place is therapeutic --you could straighten out a juvenile delinquent real quick just by making him walk around Publix.

I have a list this time and it's reassuring that something down to earth as a grocery list can exist in this setting. It's a nice time. I'm still getting extra stuff from far away places just to take home and try. Cool. Maybe I can put this on my expense account. Could Stilton Cheese be a tax write off?

And then I hit the checkout line. The down time waiting puts me back in observer mode. My eyes get sucked over to the face of a pudgy rich lady, with a full basket topped out by crab legs. This is it. This is why they're doing the number two thing in Publix. I can't look away from the hypnotic power of her eternally bored face. She's not just bored. It's that affect. Blunted. Flat as a board. I look around. Most of the people shopping have that same flat look on their face, like they're so apart from humanity that your existence bores them, you're just like a cow walking in front of them they have to slow their car down for so they don't hit it.

The first time I saw that look I was at Millsaps College around a bunch of rich kids. I noticed then that people who grow up rich often have blunted affects. What really shocked me was a little later on at a summer job at a mental hospital during graduate school where I noticed that Schizophrenics have the same blunted look on their face. Heavy. Being rich, it seems has it's own pathology, just like being poor. Class pathology. It's particularly pertinent as an issue now that the economies of the western world are collapsing. Which isn't suprising. They've been run by super confident fraternity boys for many many years. And it's been one screw up, one scandal, one lie after another. Every class of people has it's own endemic criminal instincts. The criminal tendencies of the poor work from the bottom up. The criminal tendencies of the rich work from the top down. And instead of one sloppy burglary, or clumsy coke deal, or tacky domestic violence case (the signature crime of poor people) at a time, the crimes of the rich are highly planned, extraodinarly well coordinated, and massively elegant in their impact. A bunch of confident rich people with ideas can ruin your nation for decades.

Most of the workings of the mind occur on a subconconscious level. There's no way the brain could keep up with all the complex calculations of existence made on a moment to moment basis. And you know what, the first shitting occurred at the beginning of the mortgage crisis. I think at that moment, before the hand even reached down to the belt buckle, the mind put together the fact that nothing we've ever done as a society to try to contain rich people has ever worked. The communists only succeeded in proving that without the great power of selfishness no economy can function, although the thought of the wealthy being hunted with dogs is suprisingly appealing. Maybe, then, just maybe, the genius of the mind figured out that crude force isn't the answer. The rich have always proven that education doesn't have an impact. And appealing to their conscience either produces violent reactionaries or nutty, controlling socialists like Pol Pot. Because rich people are so twisted they've always done a lot more damage trying to be something they aren't than when they're just being themselves. The don't know how to care right. Socialism sucks in a way that capitalism with all of its evil could never suck. So the mind figured out "Hey, none of this other shit hasn't worked. Wait. That's the answer. Shit. Shit is the answer. Maybe we could reach the rich by upsetting them really bad. "Stephanie, I'm not feeling well. We shan't be going to the club this evening. This afternoon at Publix, I saw...I saw......" Because nothing upsets anyone more than something they can't understand. And the only thing that could make people who understand everything understand is by forcing them to be a part of something they could never understand.

The checker is pleasant, but not happy. Again, she's trying hard to do everything right. Of course she's trying hard. She works for rich people, and rich people don't have a sense of humour about their servants' mistakes. And she's got a damn uniform on. I'm angry now, but I don't know why. Why does someone need a uniform to check groceries?

I tried to calm down. Didn't work. Just when we were leaving, the guy bagging mentioned he heard my son talking about having a tough time in his trig class at high school. He said math was a hobby of his he'ld be glad to do a little tutoring for free.

"Matthew" I said without thinking. "We're getting out of here."

My son obeys because he sees how disturbed I am. We walk silently to the car. We load the groceries and then just sit for a moment.

The first news account, from a small paper in the Florida Panhandle mentioned the reaction of employees: "I was just standing there putting some meat out, and suddenly this guy with an ethereal look on his face takes his hand slowly from his cart, calmly drops his pants, like it's the most natural thing in the world to him. And then he...he...I looked around and said 'Did you see that?' to one of the other meat cutters. The funny thing was, no one got angry, no one called the police. Our clean up team just went to work real quick and dealt with it. You see, nothing rattles us at Publix, even when we're rattled."

What disturbs is how normal it's started seeming, after studying the matter so much. I assumed I was getting close to the Publix scene, and needed a counterpoint. To do so I first interviewed the parallel process in the phenomenon, those employees who had themselves partaken in the defecation. I thought these would be embittered workers; what I found were individuals who were at least on a conscious level happy with the company. For you see it was the most conscientious who broke down and let it fly. They said it was like an out of body experience. "This force just took over" one of them told me. "And unfortunately, I had a little diarrhea going on at that time."

So I'm back at the store of my own choice as the second counterpoint. This was a Piggly Wiggly in Marietta, Geogia. Soon as I walk through the door I relax without knowing why. I notice a couple of teenage boys stocking; they're talking about being hungover and they look it. They're laughing and it makes me happy. Over there, hey, that's a meat cutter with a tattoo of a skull. He looks like he dropped out in the tenth grade, joined the army, divorced twice, probably has a couple of DUI's (but none recent) a son named Tyler or Cody living with one of his exes. I bet he smokes; probably looks older than he really is.

The gourmet stuff isn't there, so I'm back to basics and load up on potatoes, spaghetti sauce and the like. The cart is squeeking bad. I have trouble manuevering it but make it to check out. The cashier is a low class bitch. She's got a tatoo of a rose on chest, just visible. She has this nasty little frown. I ask her if I could go back and get the pork chops I forgot, and she spits back "Sure you can" with disgust and hate balanced to a perfection. She's brilliant. I won't be getting any chops today. I don't mind though. Hurt me some more, my little truck stop waitress. It's ok. I'm home.

The bagger is the best. He's a really happy retarded guy who won't be helping anyone with trig homework. He makes me so happy I almost lose focus on my mission, and I nearly miss out on a conversation between a girl named Madison walking in the store and her best friend, brainstorming on how to bond out her boyfriend so he can come back home, get drunk once more, and beat her up all over again. I'm in heaven.

I won't tell you about the oversized eleven year old van in the parking lot that needs a paint job. I'm skipping over the trash in the parking lot, too. I'm just overcome with such joy about it all the creepiness of the P place is gone. Forever, I think. But I was wrong.

My life went on as usual. My article on Publix was ready for publication and I was already hard at work on another assignment. And then, one day, Stilton cheese came calling.

The shock of being put on a statin was I suspect the beginning of a chain of events that led me back to that place. I cut out all meat, milk, and certainly cheese. Lost some weight. However, everyone knows once they've tried the diet thing a few times that your body is like the mafia. If you don't pay it off with a little cheese or chocolate or honeybun everyonce in awhile, they burn down your restaurant, the diet is over, and your back to eating barbeque and ice cream and you just give up on your diet entirely. I knew I could go to that special place, get a small hunk of my favorite cheese, and the mafia would leave me alone for a week or two.

Publix always has that clean smell. I thought as I walked in. It's about the only redeeming feature of the store after you factor in the critical logistical supply it provides as a staging area for the parasitic rich. I can afford the cheese, I thought. I haven't been here in a long time, and staying away from here save you a lot of money. I found it quickly. I reached to grasp it with my proletarian fingers....but then I saw something, next to the Stilton, something I hadn't planned for. It was another piece of cheese, far more expensive. I couldn't pronounce the name, was it French or Italian? I can usually tell the difference. And I saw that it was three times as much as the Stilton, almost fourty dollars, if you include tax. Fourty dollars for a slice of cheese? What does this mean. Stilton is expensive, and it tastes good. This other is more expensive --does that mean it tastes better? What happens if I drive home and regret my choice? What if I can't enjoy the Stilton because I can get over the buyer's remorse? What should I do? It can't be Publix's fault. Publix is the perfect grocery store. Publix can't be wrong. I must be wrong. And if there's something wrong with me, I can't make the right choice.

It had to be the confusion between competing ideas which pushed me over the edge. You see, confusion has difficulty expressing itself appropriately in a venue like
Publix. Her I was in the seat of Order itself. Mount Olympus. Every employee, customer, probably even the truck drivers, was Apollo himself, presiding over
the morass of lesser beings of the world at the seat of his Imperium. Yet I couldn't get it together. WHICH CHEESE DO I CHOOSE? WHAT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO? D O N ' T Y O U S E E T H E R E ' S N O P L A C E F O R M I S T A K E S A T P U B L I X ! ! ! ! !

itcameovermelikeawaveandtimesloweddownwhileiunbuttonnedmytrousersandSQUATsoassumemyplaceonthatinvisiblethroneabovethepolishedfloornownotsopolishedwiththeODORieffusedthroughoutthosegleamingaisles.

I do remember the faces. Those blank faces broke for a minute. And then they became blank again. I heard someone announcing a code in an excited voice over the intercom. That's what brought me back. I bet it's happened so much, they have a special code to announce what's going on. And a special procedure. And a special report to fill out for something that really isn't special or unusual anymore because it's happening so much.

I finished my shopping as planned. No one said anything unkind. The cashier gave me that forced smile I have come to expect in that place.

Publix's board of directors is worried about something they call "The Point Of Critical Shit" which means that even though the publicity of the thing that is being done there has actually boosted sales in the short run, on a longer term basis they believe that if it doesn't stop the rich folks will give up on Publix, and they'll have to change their marketing approach, and they'll have to hire a bunch of people with tatoos living in trailers and advertise pork chop specials. But they're prepared anyway. For Monday morning on the desk of a Swiss trader there will be offered the first credit swap as a futures derivative derived from risk expectations associated with people shitting in Publix.

David Williams

OBAMA A STUDENT OF JIM JONES

2008-10-16T16:45:00.000-07:00

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...........................A LITTLE KNOWN FACT ABOUT THE YOUNG OBAMA IS THAT HE WAS OBSESSED WITH A MINISTER: NOT WITH REVEREND WRIGHT, BUT AN EVEN MORE FRINGE FIGURE, THE REVEREND JIM JONES. "He would spend hours hunting down old Jim Jones tapes and records which wasn't an easy thing to do in the early eighties" according to one childhOod friend. "When a tape arrived in the mail he would go wild, then carefully unwrap the package as if he were handling a holy object."

Barry, as he was known then, would mimic Jones' dress, mannerisms, and certainly speech. He even took to wearing the Cool-Aid man's trade mark super-dark shades, until a friend told him he looked more like Jones without them. When horrified acquaintences mentioned Jones' evil deeds, Obama was philosophical: "He told us that any powerful person has to do things which are unpleasant, has to make hard decisions. He said that Jones made 'mistakes when he was under a lot of pressure' but that otherwise he could really identify with his politics and the way he reached deep down inside people to motivate them. And when you think about it, Jim Jones' church and Jeremiah Wrights' have some eery similaries. They were both terrribly anti-American,all about social justice, they both put the R in radical."

One political scientist summed it up well when commenting on the story: "Like Jim Jones, Obama has this eternally cool gaze and demeanor. Nothing bothers him, which may be because nothing bothers him --he's more interested in the end, people are just vehicles to him. Like Jones Obama exploits difficult situations such as the one our country is in now to get people to accept his way out ideas. To make another comparison, a certain gentleman from Austria was elected to leadership of a highly civilized country which was recovering from a terrible war and in the midst of a depression. And like him Obama promises change; the problem is he really means it."

So how did Obama overcome so many challengers with so much more experience? Apparently, it's the messenger, not the message that's the story. So next time you go to an Obama rally, enjoy the art, admire the style, and marvel at the technique. --Just don't drink the coolaid.

Palin Caught Rubbing McCain's Feet

2008-10-13T16:23:00.001-07:00

.....Foot rubbing isn't a crime, but you couldn't have convinced Mrs John McCain when she walked in on Sarah this weekend rubbing the elderly McCain's feet.

Cindy was not amused. Several staff had to intervene to keep her from bitch slapping the Governor.

Palin is unapologetic, however "It's a medical issue. We've got to keep him going until election day. His feet were tortured in Vietnam a lot. I would have asked Cindy to do it, but she was busy. I only rub feet because I care."

Johnny Depp Trashes Pirates of the Caribbean

2008-10-13T15:57:00.000-07:00

...I caught up with Johnny in the South of France for a brief interview. We discussed his latest interest in writing, his opinion about American politics (Johnny's a big Obama fan --no suprise). It was an average sit between a reporter and a pretty big star, until Johnny dropped a bombshell just as we were getting up to leave. It seems Johnny has had his fill of Pirates.

I noticed a frown pop up when I told him my daughter is his number one fan.

Johnny wasn't flattered: "I bet she's about six years old. Yeah, that fine. What gets me are adults who go for that goofy shit. I mean, I think the first movie was ok, but we are just walking through the sequals like clowns, and the dumber things get, the more money gets raked in. It's not like anything sophisticated is going on. It's sort of like, you know the whole thing is on the level of wrestling. I'm one of the wrestlers ok so I can hear the announcer 'And in this corner we have Jack Sparrow, and over here its.....its......The Undertaker.' "

I was thrown off track a little, but recovered. "People have so many cares. Isn't it a valuable thing for people to have something which isn't serious they can enjoy?" I asked, from the unlikely standpoint of trying to defend Pirates

"Well" Johnny leaned forward "It's a good thing to be entertained. I like roller coasters. But it's just a roller coaster. Any one with an IQ doesn't become a roller coaster fan. They just go to the park and have fun on it while they're there. Then they forget about it because they have a real life. To be honest, I don't think they're anything artistic, redeemable, commendable or anything else
about the movies. Ok, I like the money. I would be crazy to turn down that much money for doing nothing. But when people bring up the P word it just makes my stomach sick."

So what's Depp into now? It seems the man who despises his biggest success is doing something many wealthy stars are doing --discovering their spirituality. "I'm working with a Shaman from Borneo. He's really brought me down to earth. My wife doesn't like the chanting but Sambuba is really in tune with things. You can't be around him for more than a second without feeling totally relaxed, totally at home with yourself. I think a lot of the people who waste money seeing silly movies would do much better getting in touch with their spirituality. A life spent on shit like Pirates is a life wasted."

Kenny Chesney Midget Wrestling Video Surfaces

2008-10-11T17:48:00.000-07:00

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>MOST YOUNG MUSICIANS STRUGGLE WITH ODD JOBS WHILE THEY ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT BIG, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE KENNY CHESNEY really put the "odd" in odd with his previously unreported foray into the wrestling world. What's really strange about his brief career on the mat was that it was done as a member of the "WEE WRESTLER'S LEAGUE" where Kenny was known as "THE MIGHTY MUNCHKIN." A video now circulating on YouTube is a little fuzzy, but when the young Kenny is in a headlock you can hear his unmistakably nasal voice begging "OOOOWWWWWWWW PLEASE LET ME GOOWWWWWW!" Kenny was known as a bit of a whiner in the midget world. We interviewed Terribly Tiny who was in several contests with The Mighty Munchkin: "He was the biggest baby I ever met. As soon as we were in the locker room he was like 'Damn, Paul you know it's not supposed to be real. That really hurt!' He would bitch so much we started calling him 'The Mighty Baby.' Kenny liked the money, but Kenny ticked so many people off none of us Little People would agree to wrestle him."

Chesney's publicist was visibly angered about the video: "All I have to say is that what people do in their personal life is nobody's business. What does wrestling have to do with country music. It's not like Kenny sold drugs or something."

Kenny himself agreed to discuss the matter, but the interview was cut short after he became agitated, and fell off the coffee can he was standing on after jumping up and down on it several times.

DG Williams

Nine of Ten Failing Banks Headed by Former Fraternity Officers

2008-10-10T16:38:00.000-07:00

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Dr. Victoria Chang of the University of California, Berkley reported presented a paper last week at the International Congress of Sociologists describing her research which found that slightly more than 90-percent of banks in the United States rated as failed or likely to fail by an independant auditing board are headed by men who were officers in so-called "Greek" organizations in college. Dr Chang added that "Most of the remaining ten-percent were headed by individuals educated in nations where American style fraternities do not exist."

Congress participants were bowled over by the extremely high correlation between a history of heavy fraternity involvement and bankruptcy. "I've never seen anything like it" said one participant. "Most researchers dream of this level of significance in their work but don't even come close. I am as impressed by Dr Chang's finding as I am appalled at the sickness in our society it illustrates."

Dr Chang provided several reason for the relationship: "Firstly, it is well documented that membership in these exclusive type organizations renders young, undeveloped personhoods into even more immature and narcissistic individuals. Fraternity, as well as sorority membership, deeply instills the adolescent traits of self-centerdness, obsession with status and ruthlessness. At the same time it provides the members with the just the kind of ultra self confidence and political skills which propels these type personalities to the top of corrupt, socially sick organizations where they are in a unique position to do extreme damage to the greater population. "

Another congress participant added: "We've all looked at these kind of groups as amusing or annoying. Now we know they are an endemic pathology which must be arrested before these types bring us all down."

Dr Chang offered a fascinating example of the fraternity personality from one of the original "Greeks" --Alcibiades, a figure from the Pelaponessian War between Athens and Sparta who lived two thousand years ago. "If you'll notice, most fraternities have a startling disconnect between their charter purpose of promoting Christianity and their actual behavior which amounts to a dogged dedication to debauchery and disrespect of the totallity of Christian tenets. Alcibiades, known from ancient times as the most finished Narcissist who ever lived, was known to have mocked the state religion on the eve before the departure of the Athenian fleet for the horrific disaster at Syracuse. The parallels are chilling."

Mike Benson, President of the National Order of Kappa Sigma, disagrees: "Fraternities mold young men into good citizens. Look at our charitable work. Fraternities enrichen their members, and produce our future leaders."

Others are not so sure about "our future leaders." A sociologist at the University of Chicago who asked not to be named informed our reporter that "We have a working group looking at ways of diminishing the place of fraternity damaged individuals in our society. We will begin by making their place in society a matter of question, so that in the future their displacement can occur. Our long range goal is the barring of fraternity members, and most especially former fraternity officers, from getting their CPA, teaching and stock broker's license. It's a matter of survival for our civilization."

RASCAL FLATTS' GARY LEVOX DIAGNOSED WITH DOWN'S SYNDROME AS A CHILD

2008-10-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

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..........................EVERYONE KNOWS GARY LEVOX HAS AN INTERESTING PAST. WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW is that due to poor performance on intelligence tests when he was in kindergarten he was placed in a special education class. "They thought I had Down's Syndrome" Gary recently explained. "They thought I was, you know, like Corky."

Fans of the band are sticking behind their idol. One RF Superfan explained: "I don't care if he's a little slow. His music is deep. It touches people."

Gary says he doesn't care if people look at him different from now on. "I know who I am. I make a lot of money. So there!"

Gary also suprised people when he recently revealed the idea for their smash hit "Bob That Head" came from his experiences in special ed. "They had this real messed up guy sitting next to me who would repeat weird stuff all day long. He had two brothers whose names were Bob and Ted. His parents had tried to teach him for years to say their names, they would work with him all day long trying to get him to say Bob and Ted, but for some reason it got confused in his mind as 'Bob that Head.' He would say 'Bob that Head' for hours and hours in this retarded voice. I couldn't
handle it. I made up my mind right then and there that I was going to become a country star so I could be a big success and not sit around with special ed people all day long."

LeVox is also defensive about people who criticize his work: "People say we're pop, people say we're not country. Well, if you don't like RF you can go to hell. The other day I read some critical article about 'Bob that Head' who said it was the worst song in the history of country music, that it was the country equivalent of Jefferson Starships' We Built this City on Rock and Roll a song which was voted to be the worst song in rock history. Well I says 'Fuck you' to all my critics. If some of my fans don't read and write well that's ok. I've never read a book in my life and I'm doing just fine. I touch people with my music."

LeVox isn't giving out many interviews these days because he's consumed with his new passion: fingerpainting. "It's a high art. I love it. I want to have my own gallery one day, and when you walk in to see my finger art, you will hear 'Bob that Head' in the background."

SATIREPATCH

Lindsay Lohan Lusts for Sarah Palin

2008-09-28T15:38:00.000-07:00

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If a drunk man's words are sober man's thoughts, Sarah Palin will need to watch out. Only it's not Joe Biden she needs to worry about. Rather, it's that ultimate wild child Lindsay Lohan who yelled out during a drunken Hollywood Party this weekend "I don't care if she's a Republican, I want to be her girlfriend!" Interestingly, the Hollywood crowd in attendance was much more concerned about Lindsay's crush being for a conservative than anything else. Lindsay didn't care, she continued yelling things like "Yeah, let's go moose hunting sugar! I'm ready for some action!" Appalled party goers who were of course universally democrat, tried to get Lindsay to consider Hillary or even Pat Schroeder, but Lindsay wouldn't budge: "Republican women are much hotter! DEAL WITH IT!!"

Lindsay's agent is in damage control mode: "Lindsey was intoxicated. It's her sense of humor. She is a progressive democrat who loves homeless people and minorities. I spoke to her on the phone this morning and she assured me SHE IS NOT ATTRACTED TO REPUBLICAN WOMEN."

It appears the agent's efforts haven't been effective, as Lindsay has already lost one major contract since the story surfaced, and people are openly talking about blacklisting. This reporter has also heard from a well placed source that Lindsay is thinking about giving up her struggle to clear her name, and starting an organization of republican lesbians.

There will be more as this story develops.

SATIREPATCH

PAULSON AT TREASURY TO BE ARRESTED FOR CHECK KITING

2008-09-22T16:27:00.000-07:00

...
...
...

A SOURCE CLOSE TO AN ONGOING FBI INVESTIGATION CONFIRMS that Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson will be arrested tomorrow morning for perpetuating a massive check kiting scheme launched under the cover of saving the economy. Several lobbyists and senate leaders will also be arrested. According to the source "We're especially interested in Greenspan. And we're going to use testimony from Paul Volker, the last Fed Chairman who was competent and honest, as the foundation of his prosecution as the ringleader of this check kiting conspiracy."

This same agent told the undersigned reporter "By the way, you need to be selling dollars right now. Anything that is being created out of thin air can't continue to have much value."

David Williams, Lead Patch Reporter

APA DIAGNOSES STOCK MARKET WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER

2008-09-22T16:17:00.000-07:00

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.
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THE AMERICAN PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT THE AMERICAN SECURITIES MARKET MEETS CRITERIA FOR BIPOLAR I DISORDER, WITH POSSIBLE PSYCHOTIC FEATURES.
The APA spokesman was quoted thus: "Mood swings, racing thoughts, most of us think this is what individuals experience, however the securities market as a whole is also experiencing the same illness with its violent up and down movements and confused rationale for these rapid changes." What will happen if the stock market
doesn't get help? The same APA spokesman: "Eventually, without the proper treatment (mass arrests of white collar criminals) the market will experience the securities equivalent of a psychiatric hospitalization -- a two thousand point drop in a single day. And we're betting it happens before the year is up."

In the same press release it was also noted that those who have been unwise enough to follow the lead of Jim Cramer in his recommendations meet criteria for Shared Psychotic Disorder.

More on this breaking event later.

David Williams

MAN DIES, DISCOVERS JOHN MALKOVICH IS GOD

2008-09-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

"I DIDN'T BELIEVE IN AN AFTERLIFE, HEAVEN, GOD OR ANY OF THAT, but now I know. HE is real. He is God"

The "He" being referred to by Matthew Maxwell, professor of mathematics at the Univesity of Chicago, is none other than John Malkovich.

It all started when Dr Maxwell had a routine colonoscopy. "I was more concerned about the inconvenience than any danger I might be in. I didn't know the anethesiologist was about to make a grave error, an error which has altered my life forever."

Dr Maxwell says when thing went wrong during the procedure he saw a light and went through a long tunnel. Pretty standard stuff for a near death experience. Only in this case the Supreme Being was someone well known to movie buffs.

"I saw this throne with a beautiful, blinding light that drew me in to what felt like infinite love. And then suddenly I began my personal audience with Him. With
John Malkovich. He told me that he had brought me to His presence because he had a message for the world, and that message was that if we on the planet don't start working together on our problems, something terrible is going to happen."

Maxwell says he begged to stay there with God but was told that wasn't possible, it wasn't part of the plan.

"When I woke up there were five doctors staring at me. And then someone said 'He's alive. He's going to make it!' Well, I didn't remember anything for the first month after surgery, and was mostly focused on a lawsuit against the hospital. But now I'm not interested in suing anybody. I just want to spread His word."

The recall of the near death event occured in an unusual place. "I was in Blockbuster and I saw His image on a poster, and it all came back to me. I got down on my knees and begged forgiveness for not doing His bidding, but the manager made me leave."

Many are skeptical. This reporter brought up an obvious point with Dr Maxwell, and asked "John Malkovich has made some comments some find disturbing, for instance saying that the problems of homeless people are self inflicted. How could a loving
God say something like that?"

"Don't you understand?" came the reply. "He says callous things to help us recognize our own lack of empathy. He teaches by exaggeration and parody. It's the only language this wicked generation understands."

So, what does the incarnate John think about his number one fan? "When you're a celebrity there's always some kind of bullshit going on with the public. I think this guy is probably just another stalker. Although, I think I'm just as eligible [to be God] as anyone else."

This website welcomes any further comments by Mr Malkovich as this story progresses. In the mean time we'll all be taking His work more seriously.

David Williams

NEW, SURPRISING PROBLEM FOR SARAH PALIN

2008-09-03T19:43:00.000-07:00

Seconds after the end of her acceptance speech at the Republican convention, hundreds of pollsters began calling potential voters to gauge their reaction to her performance. Amidst the controversary over her alleged lack of experience, and the investigation into whether or not she influenced the firing of her former brother-in-law from his job as a state trooper, a new quandry presents itself involving her children, only this has nothing to do with an unplanned pregancy. As one poll taker who was quoted put it: "It's difficult to trust someone who gave her children such stupid names." Governor Palin's kids, "Willow", "Piper", "Bristol", "Track" (no, this is not a joke) and "Trig." Although Palin has an explanation for every one of these names, others wonder what kind of names will be supplied to things like ships and national parks should she become vice president. A delegate to the convention who heard her speech first hand, and who spoke only on condition of anonymity, stated "I can just see this woman giving a new aircraft carrier a flaky name like 'Cody Wavecutter Supreme' What the hell kind of thinking is that. Just please, please don't tell me what her kids' middle names are. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.

Although some may find the matter to be trivial, these polls show that the negatives on the subject are so strong they could take as many as two points from the Palin-McCain ticket in the popular vote. Several Republican operatives are furious that the matter wasn't more deeply looked into before Palin was chosen. A senior McCain aide: "If she is just going to make up names for her kids, what else is she making up?"

We'll keep you posted on this fascinating story.

Tyler Mason Cody Dakota Hunter Austin Gunfighter Earnhardt Williams

INTERVIEWS WITH THE DAMNED

2008-08-27T16:58:00.000-07:00

Nothing is sadder than stories of child stars gone bad. As a veteran writer who's interviewed many former child actors I thought I had seen it all until I hunted up the bunch from Winnie the Pooh --to say I was staggered by what I saw is certainly an understatement. Christopher Robbins' involvement with Scientology, Tigger's struggle with Bipolar Disorder, Pooh's paralysis after a drunk driving accident...My time with these tortured souls took its toll emotionally, eventually leading to the end of my marriage. Finally, however, I found it all to be a deeply spiritual experience, one that allowed me to get in touch withy my own humanity in a way that would not otherwise have been possible.

I'll begin with an individual who was the most difficult to locate, both physically and emotionally. Indeed, even after the many hours I spent with him he is still an enigma.

Driving up the gravel driveway to a trailer home that looked like someone had found a crushed tin can and then tried to straighten it back out, I was overpowered by the force of time and place and maybe experienced a little dissociation. It had taken me so long to find this man, in Moulton, Alabama and now, finally, I was about to see...him. I gripped the steering wheel to anchor myself --was this really the final stop for that sweet little child who played Piglet? Superlatives spun through my brain like dust kicked up from a has been writer's pile of unsold manuscripts. He was the youngest, the boldest, the more talented of his group. And now, perhaps, the most lost.

As I stepped from my vehicle, I heard his voice: "Tammy, you ain't fed the dog yet? I bet you done fed your face, bitch."

And then it hit me. Maybe he wasn't lost. Maybe he had finally found himself here amidst his Deep South roots, becoming like so many in the part of the world, an abusive, IV crank user living off a disability check, although with an occasional royalty payment to make things interesting.

I knocked, and again heard the voice --"Tammy, ain't you gonna get that?" The door opened. "Well, shit I guess I have to do everything around here. You that Williams feller?"

I told him I was.

"Well come on in"

We sat in silence for a moment as I studied him. His huge jowels glistened with grease in the soft light, falling down from two huge, sad, angry pig eyes. Rolls of fat subtley shifted as this four hundred pounder made himself comfortable on his couch. I knew instantly that this was a soul who had known suffering.

"I want to thank you for allow--"

He cut me off. "Hell, you don't have to give no apology for being here. I'm the one who told you to come down."

"Allright"

The jowels moved again "I imagine you want me to talk about all the Winnie the Pooh shit. You know, people act like I never accomplished nothing else in my life other than run around the woods with a bunch of British faggots and appear on television. Well, I done a lot of other things, some of them was bad things, but I also did a lot of things right. Anyway, I decided to sit down with you because I think it's time I did talk about some of that mess. I mean, here I was a just a kid, and my daddy signed for me to go live in England, which is a whole other country outside of Alabama. Of course I made some mistakes. But I wasn't the only one.

I pondered where to go at that point. "There has been a lot of talk about what another member of the cast has termed a 'betrayal' on your part." The question lingered in the air as we sat there. I was little alarmed at the aggressivenes of the question that had just tripped out of my mouth. Was he going to get mad, and throw me out?

I was pleasantly suprised: "Yeah, you mean all that with Chris." Piglet's countenance grew wistful. "Now understand, I was very young at the time. Me and Chris Robbins already had a lot of partying under our belts, you see we would go to London on the weekends and pick up chicks, and yes, sometimes we were a little smashed when we showed up on the set Monday morning. But that's just normal stuff everybody goes through. What most people don't know is that Chris is ADD. That's Attention Deficit Disorder. I know because my son Tyler is on ADD medication. Anyways, the day it all happened we as on this big ass estate hunting pheasants which is what they do over there. They had a bunch of poor people lined up driving the pheasants our way to flush 'em out. Right away I knew it was going down hill because Chris would get excited and point his gun the wrong way. I said "Chris, pay attention, this ain't no make believe pooh bear thang goin' down, this shit is real!" Chris would turn his gun around the right way for awhile, but then he'ld start talking and get excited and do the same thing again. So after about four or five times of that mess I decided to get out of there before I ended up in the bag. I had just turned around to leave when I heard "BOOM, BOOM, BOOM." And not a second later "OH MY GOD, I'M SHOT, GOD PLEASE HELP ME I'M SHOT, OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DIE." And then comes Mr ADD himself running up beggin me not to tell anyone he had been pointing his gun the wrong way when he shot that feller, saying he was too young to go to prison and squalling like a two year old. Well, when the police sat me down I told them the truth. Now if that's betrayal, I guess I'm guilty. And ever since that day Chris has been making up all kinds of tales about me...I could go on and on, but I know the truth."

He lit a cigarette and took a deep drag, his large, smoke inflamed eyes rolling around their fat swollen sockets.

"It's along way from Buckingham to prison, isn't it?"

"No doubt" he responded. "Prison ain't no hundred acre wood, let me tell you."
But I'm done dealing, and ain't done any meth in two years."

"And you're done hitting your wife?"

Piglet finally got ticked off at me. "As long as she acts right! There's three thangs I can't stand: women who bitch too much, po-lice who arrest you for no reason, and judges who sent you to prison because they don't like you."

Figuring I needed to back off a little, I smiled and said "You've registered for the local sheriff's race. I'm sure you have a lot to offer with your background, however don't you think your criminal background will be a problem for your campaign?"

"Most people who run for office around here have done time. It's a tradition."

"What one thing would most surprise people about the making of Winnie the Pooh?

"Tigger! It's not an act. When they cut the camera he's running around yelling 'WOOHOO! WOOHOO!' I really don't see how he got cut a paycheck for being on Winnie the Pooh. Hell, that's like payin' me to smoke reefer and watch Bama games."

I spent almost a month with Piglet. We laughed together, cried together. Once I really got to know him I found Piglet to be a sensitive, intelligent, even philosophical person. It was with great sadness that I drove down that gravel road for the last time, past his sons Tyler, Cody and Dakota riding their four wheelers in the soft autumn air. I thought, he's been through so much. We've been through so much. I knew I would never be the same.

David Williams

PEOPLE ARE TURNING INTO JAMES OTTO

2008-07-13T16:51:00.000-07:00

People everywhere are turning into James Otto, after listening to his literally infectious song "Just Got Started Loving You." What's it like to turn into James? First of all you stay the same size your were before the transformation, only you acquire one hundred percent of his physical features. For most people, it's a very troubling experience, although others have designs on James' royalities from his songs. Perhaps the person most disturbed by these events is the
original James, who is having greater and greater difficulty proving that he is the real James Otto: "I labored in obscurity for years and now, this....this is too much" James told a Patch eporter before breaking down into tears. Governments are working on the problem of how humans will reproduce from now on, as the thought of two James Ottos making love to one another is.........yeah, it's bad. Native Americans believe that the mass metamorphosis is a sign that the Great Spirit is angry about environmental destruction and trying to wake people up by turning them into hairy James. After all, what could wake people up more than turning into James Otto? John McCain and Barack Obama have taken to wearing name tags to distinguish themselves, and wondering if their debates this fall will have any impact with both of them looking like James. Modeling agencies have experienced mass bankruptcies. So what will society
be in ten years? Just like it is now --listening to Bill O'Reilly make bombastic statements about matters he's only half way looked into, only listener and broadcaster will be in the physical
form of James Otto.

Patch you later!

David Williams

Scientists Discover Lawyers Becoming a New Species

2008-06-08T19:33:00.000-07:00

If you've ever thought lawyers were different from most people, you were right. According to researchers at the University of Berlin "In another five generations attorneys will not be able to breed with normal humans." It seems that selective breeding with the scheming sorority girls lawyers invariably marry, together with their own peculiar genetics, are creating a new genotype incompatible with the rest of humanity, something which was recently confirmed in the discovery of the so called "lawyer gene."

Professor Eisenstat of the University explains further: "Using the powerful Five Factor Model of Personality, we find that built into attorneys is a lack of empathy which cannot be estimated by any known metric; the best we can explain it is to state that their score on the Agreeableness trait approaches, to use a physics term, absolute zero. Their average score on Openness to Experience is the most normal, while their status on the Extraversion and Neuroticism scales, is respectively abnormally high, and low. The combination of anomolous status on most of the scales comprises something we think of as factor six, or the shiester complex."

Solutions to the problem are as wide ranging as the lawyers' scores on personality tests. Moreover, the discovery of the lawyer gene in the Federal Republic brings up some dark reminders of Germany's past, but in a new way. Dr Eisenstat: "Some have even have recommended confining lawyers to special camps, where they could be monitored...of course, we here at the university do not condone this line of thinking in any way, shape or form."

As usual, we will continue to follow this intriguing story....if we don't get sued first.

Have a patchin' day!

David

MARILYN MANSON GOES COUNTRY

2008-06-08T18:32:00.000-07:00

IT'S OFFICIAL --MARILYN MANSON CONFIRMS HE WILL BE RELEASING COUNTRY ALBUM SOON, SEVERAL PRESS AGENCIES REPORT. Although some think the move is a bit of a stretch, Reba McEntire, who duets with him on his first country album explains: "Well, here I was sitting by my lonesome at home, looking out the winder, when ol' Marilyn Manson calls me up and says 'Ms McEntire, would you like to do a duet with me on my next album?' So I says to Mr Manson, now you wouldn't be pulling a prank on little ol' Reber would you, and he said no, he's serious, he was so inspired by the work I did with Kelly Clarkson he wanted to see if he could do as good even though he's kind of more of a punk feller he is actually a big fan of blue grass and country. I told him if you ain't yeller let's get 'er done!"

Mr Manson sees the change in genres as a natural: "Talking to Reber, I mean Reba, really clarified my participation in country as the next natural step in my musical evolution. I have to admit, the nihilism thing is getting a little old. It's time for me to come back to earth a little while and communicate about things like cornbread and chicken (I'm a big Allan Jackson fan, by the way). "

Manson's lyrics on the new album are fascinating. He bridges the gap by delivering a transition rendition of an old song with the following lyrics:

Beautiful People! Beautiful People!
Rascal Flatts, Doesn't Rhyme with Steeple!

Manson's version of country is also tender at times, such as in his song "Party Tractor"

I guess I was a little high.
I guess you are a little dead.
Sorry that I did some acid
And drove the John Deere over your head

And as for Manson's new appearance? "It's been my toughest challenge. I found out that a cowboy hat made out of human skin is illegal. I'm still working on that one."

Please check here in coming days for new developments on this story.

Patch you later!

David

Sex and the City Shocker

2008-06-08T16:09:00.000-07:00

Viewers of the Sex and the City movie, based on the hit HBO Soap Opera of the same name were devastated by unexpected plot twists when the much anticipated movie was finally released. Everyone knew there would be suprises, however no one expected emergency services to be called to screening sites. We interviewed Joe Petronni, manager of a Secaucus, New Jersey theatre: "Yeah, we had all hese 35 year old broads come in real excited. They were obnoxious bitches, looked rich. They had like sorority house accents. Anyways, they were all happy, laughing a lot when they weren't harrassing my workers about making the popcorn wrong. About an hour into the movie one of them comes running out crying, then two more. None of 'em made it through the whole two hours. We even had an ambulance brought out because one of these girls thought she was having a stroke.

WHAT COULD SO UPSET THESE LADIES? It seems the writers decided to lay some serious truth on the main character, Carrie who was left at the alter by the groom when one of her jealous friends told the man Carrie has herpes. The rest of the cast fared no better, as all were revealed to be promiscuous narcissists who no man in his right mind would ever think about touching. One of the character's boyfriends summed it all up when he dumped her --"All you want to do is sit around with your goofy friends and talk about sex. I'm tired of your nasty talk. I'm going to marry a nice girl....once I've had some blood tests."

Hope all enjoyed this new story

Keep on patchin!

David

Rascal Flat

2008-06-08T14:56:00.000-07:00

I'm sending a desperate message to people on all continents. Is there anyone out there, a single person at least, who doesn't get Rascal Flatts. There is something terribly wrong here. How could they have gotten anywhere? If you play their music backwards, it must say "Listen to s--- and like it, listen to s--- and like it." The band members themselves look like the kind of people you see working at a record store in the mall while they live off their girlfriends who are stupid enough to believe their promises that they will marry them and make them rich once they make it big with their "career." I'm sure these losers' hairdos haven't changed since they got burned in the tenth grade buying crushed up oak leaves sold to them as marijuana. Maybe they are still smoking oak leaves, and that has effect their brains. Is this really supposed to be a country band? They're pop, and not even good pop but the kind of music you hear at the dentist's office. Why do these people have money why aren't they working at a car wash where they belong. Even their name ticks me off --Rascal Flatts. Flatts is like a country name, so someone hears it and thinks, yeah, these guys are country, their name sounds like a place out in the country --and then, Rascal-- oh yeah, these guys are big rascals, they are real hell raisers, running around with those rascally hair dos, that's very rascally of you guys to comb your hair funny --wow you guys are really big time rebels with those rascally hair dos. Why do these people have money? Why aren't they working at a car wash where they belong? What kind of Twilight Zone is the world living in? Everything is upside down; these no talent freaks are performing at the CMA instead of picking up trash at night in my office.

Well, I'm feeling real rascally now!

Patch it later!

David

Of Gulpers, Constipation and Mandy Patinkin

2008-06-08T14:38:00.000-07:00

When the David Caruso piece originally ran on Sweetpea-Honeybun there was a lot of controversy and name calling , it seems like some people freak out criticizing Caruso because they think so highly of him. Well, maybe I've done a little name calling myself, but it's all in fun. You see, a lot of well respected actors don't inspire much admiriation in myself; actually their acting style makes me laugh. I'll give you another example: I was talking with a friend about Criminal Minds and couldn't remember the name of the main actor, I just said "You know, that guy that always looks constipated" and she said "Yeah, that's Mandy Patinkin." So here is this actor who is aclaimed as a great artist, when all his acting technique actually comes down to is working up an expression on his face indicative of a diet high in cheese. Mandy Patinkin's acting style comes down to looking constipated whenever something serious is happening --and the more serious the issue on the show, the more constipated he appears. Ok, so where am I going with this? You see, when the Caruso piece first ran last winter there was a lot of back and forth between someone who was allegedly a stalker, and another person who sounded like a groupie. Well the main problem in entertainment is not groupies or stalkers --it's a third group, the vast majority I call Gulpers. You see Gulpers are entertainment consumers who are, well, I think the best way to put this is --easily amused. They see someone on tv solving a murder mystery, with a very serious, very constipated look on their face --and they think it's great! Gulp Gulp, Gulp Gulp. You'll hear them talking excitedly at the office about the great show last night, when they should be working, all excited like they participated in something meaningful, until they get bored with it and the next year are gulping down the same thing in different time slot. Well Gulp on this: I am predicting that Mandy Patinkin's next career move is in country music! You heard it here first! Happy Gulping!

Patch you later,

David

David Caruso --Alzheimer's?

2008-06-08T10:45:00.000-07:00

Satire Patch

MARILYN MANSON IS GOING COUNTRY

CHINESE DRY WALL ALERT

Who knew there were farting blogs??

EVIL HAMSTER HAIKU

STEPHEN HAWKING WILL BE STUFFED, ACCORDING TO WILL

INTERVIEWS WITH THE DAMNED

LAWYERS BECOMING A NEW SPECIES, UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO ANNOUNCES

TOP TEN REASONS PEOPLE HATE JULIANNE HOUGH

CHINESE ADMIT FEEDING PRISONERS TO TILAPIA

MARILYN MANSON IS GOING COUNTRY

OF GULPERS, CONSTIPATION AND MANDY PANTIKIN

David Caruso --Alzheimer's?

POPULAR SEARCHES SENTENCE OF THE DAY

POPULAR SEARCHES SENTENCE OF THE DAY

POPULAR SEARCHES SENTENCE OF THE DAY

NICK SABAN RESIGNS, SAYS COLLEGE ATHLETICS "EVIL"

POPULAR SEARCHES SENTENCE OF THE DAY

POPULAR SEARCHES SENTENCE OF THE DAY

TOP SEARCH SENTENCE OF THE DAY

POPULAR SEARCHES SENTENCE OF THE D A Y

DALE EARNHARDT JUNIOR INSURES SNEER

SNEAK PEAK AT THE NEW EDITION OF TWILIGHT

HILLARY DUFF TO JOIN GOSSIP GIRL CAST

PAT SAJAK GETS NASTY

MOST POPULAR SEARCH SENTENCE OF THE WEEK

BLAGOJEVICH RESIGNS AFTER FINDING RACE HORSE HEAD IN HIS BED

JULIANNE HOUGH APPOINTED TO OBAMA'S SENATE SEAT

What's Chace Crawford gonna do??

That on David Patterson was horrendous

MARCH FIRST 2009 WILL BE FIRST ANNUAL "FART ON A LAWYER DAY"

SAVANTS AT DINNER

BRITNEY SPEARS PLANS TO TEAR DOWN GREAT WALL OF CHINA

MANATEES ON RAMPAGE, JONAS BROTHERS GET INVOLVED

DAVID CARUSO WILL RECEIVE BAILOUT MONEY TO PAY FOR ACTING LESSONS

BARACK OBAMA'S SECRET PLEASURE

OBAMA WILL APPOINT WILLIAM AYERS HEAD OF VETERANS ADMINISTRATION

DETAILS OF OBAMA'S STIMULUS PACKAGE EMERGE

MOVE OVER JOAQUIN, HELLO ARKANSAS!

BILLY RAY CYRUS WILL RECEIVE PRESIDENTIAL PARDON

CALIFORNIA CRACKER BARREL GOES PUNK

NBC SHOW "THE WHISPERER WHISPERER" DEBUTS IN DECEMBER

CARRIE UNDERWOOD: THE CHILDHOOD SHE NEVER TALKS ABOUT

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN PENS CONTROVERSIAL OBAMA LYRICS

WHAT'S HAPPENING AT PUBLIX?

OBAMA A STUDENT OF JIM JONES

Palin Caught Rubbing McCain's Feet

Johnny Depp Trashes Pirates of the Caribbean

Kenny Chesney Midget Wrestling Video Surfaces

Nine of Ten Failing Banks Headed by Former Fraternity Officers

RASCAL FLATTS' GARY LEVOX DIAGNOSED WITH DOWN'S SYNDROME AS A CHILD

Lindsay Lohan Lusts for Sarah Palin

PAULSON AT TREASURY TO BE ARRESTED FOR CHECK KITING

APA DIAGNOSES STOCK MARKET WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER

MAN DIES, DISCOVERS JOHN MALKOVICH IS GOD

NEW, SURPRISING PROBLEM FOR SARAH PALIN

INTERVIEWS WITH THE DAMNED

PEOPLE ARE TURNING INTO JAMES OTTO

Scientists Discover Lawyers Becoming a New Species

MARILYN MANSON GOES COUNTRY

Sex and the City Shocker

Rascal Flat

Of Gulpers, Constipation and Mandy Patinkin

David Caruso --Alzheimer's?