FARTING NOW MODERN ART

 A NEW MODERN ART SHOW IN NEW YORK CITY has drawn a lot of controversial attention, but not as much as one might expect given the subject:  gas, flatulence, cutting the cheese....shall we say more.  Some very well known modern artists have painted people farting, there's an interactive olfactory experience and most interesting of all are the depictions of inanimate objects passing gas. And most striking of all is a picture of a cheeseburger farting  --believe it or not it works.  Of course, it gets political, but it wouldn't be ethical to spoil the surprise.!

ONE SENTENCE SHORT STORY

THIS IS THE SAD STORY of an elevator repair man with attention deficit disorder.

CHINESE YEAR OF THE ROOSTER SURPRISE

SEVERAL SOURCES CONFIRM THE CHINESE PRESIDENT will soon announce
an unusual gift from the government to displaced workers  --a free, sort of,  chicken.   As
our source explained, "We are concerned about workers displaced due to changes in the
macroeconomic climate, so we want to reach out to them in  a very real, tangible way
--and we couldn't think of anything more tangible than  a free chicken. " 
     But there is a catch.  Although each family provided with their new chicken will not
be charged, the chicken will be owned by the government even after custody is turned over.
This is, after all, a communist government we're dealing with. 
     According to the same source ' "The Proletariat Chicken Program" as it's officially designated
will bridge the gap between traditional Marxist Ideology and modern capitalism.  The government will carefully track the health and progress of each chicken, and only require 1/10th of the return, either in the form of eggs, meat or chicks .  It's a win win situation for the government and the workers.'
     The reaction from underground Chinese newspapers has been skeptical.  According to the offshore "Free China Century" publication, "This new program is typical communist nonsense.  These
resources could have been far better expended by infrastructure spending or just letting the workers have the money to spend as they please within the proven free market economy.  This strange idea is
just another reason why constitutional democracy is not only a better form of government, but is actually an inevitability for China."
     Due to the massive numbers involved chicken prices are expected to soar world wide. 

RESEARCH DISCOVERS HORSE PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES

   

     RECENTLY PUBLISHED RESEARCH AT THE 
UNIVERSITY OF PRINZWEILER HAS PROVEN 
WHAT MANY HAVE SUSPECTED ALL ALONG 
--HORSE PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES.  "We wouldn't
necessarily use that term" says Dr Von Furderberg, lead
author of the study "however what our study did
demonstrate is that individuals who own horses tend to
possess  unusually strong Narcissistic personality traits
--some of the highest ever found in an empirical study.
Utilization of ANOVA methodology found subcorrelates
between horse ownership and narcissism even stronger
when additional factors such as participation in competitive
equine activities such as rodeos were involved.  Additionally
horse owners with a history of membership in so called
"Greek" organizations, that is fraternities and sororities,
were incredibly strong in their Narcissism."
    The study explains this relationship as status driven.  For
example, many individuals in the United States, which is
where the data comes from, often drive large SUV's and
trucks because being high off the ground, as childish as it
seems, makes them feel special, and will purchase grossly
over sized vehicles even where their needs would be more
rationally met by a smaller commuter type automobile.
These type of people want to be high off the ground and
feel higher in status when they are.  "There is also an
obvious association between the cowboy mythos and
horse ownership.  In any case, horse owners can almost
always be predicted to be vain" further explains Von
Furderberg.
     So what does this all mean?  We asked Dr Von
Furderberg if Narcissism would ameliorate with the
removal of horses.  "No, that is highly unlikely.  Were you
to take away the actual horses, after a brief period of
disorientation a horse person would find some other prop
to lean on. Likely a large truck, of course, a bigger home,
or breast implants or other genital enlargement  surgery."
     Finally, we asked what one should do were one to find
oneself next door to an obnoxious horse person:  "Move"
Dr Furderberg replied without hesitation.


LABELS: rodeo, walking horses, saddle breeds, saddles, cowboys, F150

MARILYN MANSON IS GOING COUNTRY

MANSON GOES COUNTRY

IT'S OFFICIAL --MARILYN MANSON CONFIRMS HE WILL BE RELEASING COUNTRY ALBUM SOON, SEVERAL PRESS AGENCIES REPORT. Although some think the move is a bit of a stretch, Reba McEntire, who duets with him on his first country album explains: "Well, here I was sitting by my lonesome at home, looking out the winder, when ol' Marilyn Manson calls me up and says 'Ms McEntire, would you like to do a duet with me on my next album?' So I says to Mr Manson, now you wouldn't be pulling a prank on little ol' Reber would you, and he said no, he's serious, he was so inspired by the work I did with Kelly Clarkson he wanted to see if he could do as good even though he's kind of more of a punk feller he is actually a big fan of blue grass and country. I told him if you ain't yeller let's get 'er done!"Mr Manson sees the change in genres as a natural: "Talking to Reber, I mean Reba, really clarified my participation in country as the next natural step in my musical evolution. I have to admit, the nihilism thing is getting a little old. It's time for me to come back to earth a little while and communicate about things like cornbread and chicken (I'm a big Allan Jackson fan, by the way). "Manson's lyrics on the new album are fascinating. He bridges the gap by delivering a transition rendition of an old song with the following lyrics:

Beautiful People! Beautiful People!
Rascal Flatts, Doesn't Rhyme with Steeple!

Manson's version of country is also tender at times, such as in his song "Party Tractor"

I guess I was a little high.
I guess you are a little dead.
Sorry that I did some acid
And drove the John Deere over your head

And as for Manson's new appearance? "It's been my toughest challenge. I found out that a cowboy hat made out of human skin is illegal. I'm still working on that one."Please check here in coming days for new developments on this story.

Patch you later!

CHINESE DRY WALL ALERT

MILLIONS OF HOMES INTHE US, CANADA AND EVEN AUSTRALIA CONTAIN TOXIC CHINESE DRYWALL. HOW DO YOU TELL IF YOUR HOME CONTAINS THIS TOXIC TIMEBOMB? THERE'S A SIMPLE TEST THAT REQUIRES NO SPECIAL EQUIPMENT. FIRST, YOU CONTACT YOUR NEAREST CHINESE RESTAURANT AND ORDER AN EGGROLL --IT HAS TO BE FRESH FOR THIS TO WORK. NEXT, SMASH THE EGGROLL ON THE SUSPECTED DRY WALL. BE SURE AND SMASH IT HARD ENOUGH SO THAT A QUANTITY OF GREASE FROM THE EGGROLL COVERS THE DRY WALL. LEAVE THE ROOM FOR AT LEAST TWO HOURS, AFTER FIRST TURNING UP THE ROOM'S TEMPERATURE TO AT LEAST 80 DEGREES. WHEN YOU RETURN YOU CAN IDENTIFY THE SUSPECT DRY WALL BECAUSE THE EGGROLL TREATMENT WILL REVEAL CHINESE CHARACTERS --SORT OF LIKE A WATERMARK ON A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL. MAKE SURE YOU GET A PICTURE OF THE WATERMARK. OF COURSE, PROFESSIONAL VALIDATION OF THE CHINESE LANGUAGE CHARACTERS MAY BE NECESSARY BY A TRAINED LINGUIST. THAT'S WHY YOU NEED TO PHOTOGRAPHS. PLEASE TAKE THIS THREAT SERIOUSLY. YOUR LIFE, AND THE WELLBEING OF THOSE YOU LOVE ARE AT STAKE.

SP

Who knew there were farting blogs??

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I LOOKED THEM UP AND THERE ARE SUCH THINGS!!

LOTS OF THEM--

TYPE IT IN ON YOUR BROWSER.

REALLY!! I'M SERIOUS!!

SEE??!!...

CAN Y'ALL BELIEVE??

HEY, ALSO THE OTHER SP CALLED ME UP TODAY TO TELL ME HE FARTED @ WORK.

CAN Y'ALL BELIEVE THIS??!!...

I KNOW, IT'S SOME FUNNY STUFF BC I LAUGHED MY HEAD OFF!!

Y'ALL SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE!!

GOD BLESS!!

--the better sp!!

EVIL HAMSTER HAIKU

EVIL HAMSTER

DANCING

ON

HIS WHEEL

TRYING

TO CONTROL

MY MIND

EVIL HAMSTER

WILL

DANCE

IN

THE MICROWAVE

INTERVIEWS WITH THE DAMNED

Nothing is sadder than stories of child stars gone bad. As a veteran writer who's interviewed many former child actors I thought I had seen it all until I hunted up the bunch from Winnie the Pooh --to say I was staggered by what I saw is certainly an understatement. Christopher Robbins' involvement with Scientology, Tigger's struggle with Bipolar Disorder, Pooh's paralysis after a drunk driving accident...My time with these tortured souls took its toll emotionally, eventually leading to the end of my marriage. Finally, however, I found it all to be a deeply spiritual experience, one that allowed me to get in touch withy my own humanity in a way that would not otherwise have been possible.

I'll begin with an individual who was the most difficult to locate, both physically and emotionally. Indeed, even after the many hours I spent with him he is still an enigma.

Driving up the gravel driveway to a trailer home that looked like someone had found a crushed tin can and then tried to straighten it back out, I was overpowered by the force of time and place and maybe experienced a little dissociation. It had taken me so long to find this man, in Moulton, Alabama and now, finally, I was about to see...him. I gripped the steering wheel to anchor myself --was this really the final stop for that sweet little child who played Piglet? Superlatives spun through my brain like dust kicked up from a has been writer's pile of unsold manuscripts. He was the youngest, the boldest, the more talented of his group. And now, perhaps, the most lost.

As I stepped from my vehicle, I heard his voice: "Tammy, you ain't fed the dog yet? I bet you done fed your face, bitch."

And then it hit me. Maybe he wasn't lost. Maybe he had finally found himself here amidst his Deep South roots, becoming like so many in the part of the world, an abusive, IV crank user living off a disability check, although with an occasional royalty payment to make things interesting.

I knocked, and again heard the voice --"Tammy, ain't you gonna get that?" The door opened. "Well, shit I guess I have to do everything around here. You that Williams feller?"

I told him I was.

"Well come on in"

We sat in silence for a moment as I studied him. His huge jowels glistened with grease in the soft light, falling down from two huge, sad, angry pig eyes. Rolls of fat subtley shifted as this four hundred pounder made himself comfortable on his couch. I knew instantly that this was a soul who had known suffering.

"I want to thank you for allow--"

He cut me off. "Hell, you don't have to give no apology for being here. I'm the one who told you to come down."

"Allright"

The jowels moved again "I imagine you want me to talk about all the Winnie the Pooh shit. You know, people act like I never accomplished nothing else in my life other than run around the woods with a bunch of British faggots and appear on television. Well, I done a lot of other things, some of them was bad things, but I also did a lot of things right. Anyway, I decided to sit down with you because I think it's time I did talk about some of that mess. I mean, here I was a just a kid, and my daddy signed for me to go live in England, which is a whole other country outside of Alabama. Of course I made some mistakes. But I wasn't the only one.

I pondered where to go at that point. "There has been a lot of talk about what another member of the cast has termed a 'betrayal' on your part." The question lingered in the air as we sat there. I was little alarmed at the aggressivenes of the question that had just tripped out of my mouth. Was he going to get mad, and throw me out?

I was pleasantly suprised: "Yeah, you mean all that with Chris." Piglet's countenance grew wistful. "Now understand, I was very young at the time. Me and Chris Robbins already had a lot of partying under our belts, you see we would go to London on the weekends and pick up chicks, and yes, sometimes we were a little smashed when we showed up on the set Monday morning. But that's just normal stuff everybody goes through. What most people don't know is that Chris is ADD. That's Attention Deficit Disorder. I know because my son Tyler is on ADD medication. Anyways, the day it all happened we as on this big ass estate hunting pheasants which is what they do over there. They had a bunch of poor people lined up driving the pheasants our way to flush 'em out. Right away I knew it was going down hill because Chris would get excited and point his gun the wrong way. I said "Chris, pay attention, this ain't no make believe pooh bear thang goin' down, this shit is real!" Chris would turn his gun around the right way for awhile, but then he'ld start talking and get excited and do the same thing again. So after about four or five times of that mess I decided to get out of there before I ended up in the bag. I had just turned around to leave when I heard "BOOM, BOOM, BOOM." And not a second later "OH MY GOD, I'M SHOT, GOD PLEASE HELP ME I'M SHOT, OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DIE." And then comes Mr ADD himself running up beggin me not to tell anyone he had been pointing his gun the wrong way when he shot that feller, saying he was too young to go to prison and squalling like a two year old. Well, when the police sat me down I told them the truth. Now if that's betrayal, I guess I'm guilty. And ever since that day Chris has been making up all kinds of tales about me...I could go on and on, but I know the truth."

He lit a cigarette and took a deep drag, his large, smoke inflamed eyes rolling around their fat swollen sockets.

"It's along way from Buckingham to prison, isn't it?"

"No doubt" he responded. "Prison ain't no hundred acre wood, let me tell you."
But I'm done dealing, and ain't done any meth in two years."

"And you're done hitting your wife?"

Piglet finally got ticked off at me. "As long as she acts right! There's three thangs I can't stand: women who bitch too much, po-lice who arrest you for no reason, and judges who sent you to prison because they don't like you."

Figuring I needed to back off a little, I smiled and said "You've registered for the local sheriff's race. I'm sure you have a lot to offer with your background, however don't you think your criminal background will be a problem for your campaign?"

"Most people who run for office around here have done time. It's a tradition."

"What one thing would most surprise people about the making of Winnie the Pooh?

"Tigger! It's not an act. When they cut the camera he's running around yelling 'WOOHOO! WOOHOO!' I really don't see how he got cut a paycheck for being on Winnie the Pooh. Hell, that's like payin' me to smoke reefer and watch Bama games."

I spent almost a month with Piglet. We laughed together, cried together. Once I really got to know him I found Piglet to be a sensitive, intelligent, even philosophical person. It was with great sadness that I drove down that gravel road for the last time, past his sons Tyler, Cody and Dakota riding their four wheelers in the soft autumn air. I thought, he's been through so much. We've been through so much. I knew I would never be the same.

LAWYERS BECOMING A NEW SPECIES, UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO ANNOUNCES

If you've ever thought lawyers were different from most people, you were right. According to researchers at the University of Chicago "In another five generations attorneys will not be able to breed with normal humans." It seems that selective breeding with the scheming sorority girls lawyers invariably marry, together with their own peculiar genetics, are creating a new genotype incompatible with the rest of humanity, something which was recently confirmed in the discovery of the so called "lawyer gene."

Professor Eisenstat of the University explains further: "Using the powerful Five Factor Model of Personality, we find that built into attorneys is a lack of empathy which cannot be estimated by any known metric; the best we can explain it is to state that their score on the Agreeableness trait approaches, to use a physics term, absolute zero. Their average score on Openness to Experience is the most normal, while their status on the Extraversion and Neuroticism scales, is respectively abnormally high, and low. The combination of anomolous status on most of the scales comprises something we think of as factor six, or the shiester complex."

Solutions to the problem are as wide ranging as the lawyers' scores on personality tests. Moreover, the discovery of the lawyer gene brings up some dark reminders of past mishaps in the application of science to social problems, but in a new way. Dr Eisenstat: "Some have even have recommended confining lawyers to special camps, where they could be monitored...of course, we here at the university do not condone this line of thinking in any way, shape or form."

As usual, we will continue to follow this intriguing story....if we don't get sued first.

TOP TEN REASONS PEOPLE HATE JULIANNE HOUGH

.....

#1 THERE WAS SUCH A HUGE SHORTAGE OF WOMEN WHO LOOK LIKE BARBIE DOLLS IN COUNTRY BEFORE JULIANNE STARTED HER "CAREER"

#2 THE INTERNATIONAL OLYMPIC COMMITTEE HAS NOT ENDORSED GIGGLING AS AN OLYMPIC SPORT

#3 CHUCK, MY MAN, YOU'VE GONE FROM STEALING CINDERELLA TO SHOPLIFTING TAMMY

#4 JULIANNE WILL DANCE WITH ANYONE SHE'S PAID TO DANCE WITH. SO BY EXTENSION, PERHAPS SHE'LL ___________ ANYONE SHE'S PAID TO

#5 IT'S NOT AN ACT. REALLY.

#6 Because she's just the person country needs to improve it's image

#7 WITH RASCAL FLATTS AND TAYLOR SWIFT MAKING IT BIG, COUNTRY WAS HURTING BAD FOR ANOTHER "ARTIST" WHO APPEALS TO SMALL CHILDREN

#8 I'M OLD FASHIONED, BUT STILL BELIEVE A SINGER SHOULD BE ABLE TO SING

#9 BECAUSE IF MS HOUGH HADN'T GOTTEN LUCKY, YOU KNOW SHE'LD BE ANSWERING THE PHONE SOMEWHERE

#10 BECAUSE MAN STEALING IS A FELONY IN MOST SOUTHERN STATES

CHINESE ADMIT FEEDING PRISONERS TO TILAPIA

THOSE TASTY AND BUDGET FRIENDLY FROZEN TILAPIA PACKS WE ALL GET AT WALMART are the perfect grocery item, it seems. Fish is good for you, and the price is right. However, most people probably do not realize that part of the good deal involves workers at Chinese fish farms feeding processed executed prisoners to the hungry animals.

According to Emily Watson of Human Rights United --"We are used to prisoners being fed cheap food, but what this amounts to is feeding prisoners to the food to make the food cheap. I certainly won't be eating any; I don't care how good of a deal of it."

The Chinese Minister of Agriculture, Wang Xau Bong, was defensive about what he sees as a legitimate and perfectly safe practice: "Please understand, these are very bad people who get fed to fish. They murder, they rape, they so bad people, they poke you in the eye with knife and laugh at you!"

Several reports were not satisfied with Bong's explanation, as he also defended the feeding of executed Falung Gong members and rebellious Tibetans to Tilapia. "Do you not understand Falung Gong is bad? Very bad! Falung Gong deserve to be fish food
--they brain wash young Chinese, want everyone to sit around, mumble all day and no work. They very bad! And wild men from Tibet, they stinky savages, what good are they? Probably Tilapia no want to eat them anyway, they probably no taste good."

One female reporter who pressed the human rights angle on this story was particularly irked at an unabashed come on from Bong: "You beautiful lady. You so hot, I bring you eggroll! You be my girlfriend? I take you to China!"

Bong finally left the press conference due the hostility of Western reporters, shouting "What paper you wit?. I have Chinese student hack your website. I pay you back. Feed you to fish too!"

MARILYN MANSON IS GOING COUNTRY

IT'S OFFICIAL --MARILYN MANSON CONFIRMS HE WILL BE RELEASING COUNTRY ALBUM SOON, SEVERAL PRESS AGENCIES REPORT. Although some think the move is a bit of a stretch, Reba McEntire, who duets with him on his first country album explains: "Well, here I was sitting by my lonesome at home, looking out the winder, when ol' Marilyn Manson calls me up and says 'Ms McEntire, would you like to do a duet with me on my next album?' So I says to Mr Manson, now you wouldn't be pulling a prank on little ol' Reber would you, and he said no, he's serious, he was so inspired by the work I did with Kelly Clarkson he wanted to see if he could do as good even though he's kind of more of a punk feller he is actually a big fan of blue grass and country. I told him if you ain't yeller let's get 'er done!"

Mr Manson sees the change in genres as a natural: "Talking to Reber, I mean Reba, really clarified my participation in country as the next natural step in my musical evolution. I have to admit, the nihilism thing is getting a little old. It's time for me to come back to earth a little while and communicate about things like cornbread and chicken (I'm a big Allan Jackson fan, by the way). "

Manson's lyrics on the new album are fascinating. He bridges the gap by delivering a transition rendition of an old song with the following lyrics:

Beautiful People! Beautiful People!
Rascal Flatts, Doesn't Rhyme with Steeple!

Manson's version of country is also tender at times, such as in his song "Party Tractor"

I guess I was a little high.
I guess you are a little dead.
Sorry that I did some acid
And drove the John Deere over your head

And as for Manson's new appearance? "It's been my toughest challenge. I found out that a cowboy hat made out of human skin is illegal. I'm still working on that one."

Please check here in coming days for new developments on this story.

OF GULPERS, CONSTIPATION AND MANDY PANTIKIN

When the David Caruso piece originally ran on Sweetpea-Honeybun there was a lot of controversy and name calling , it seems like some people freak out criticizing Caruso because they think so highly of him. Well, maybe I've done a little name calling myself, but it's all in fun. You see, a lot of well respected actors don't inspire much admiriation in myself; actually their acting style makes me laugh. I'll give you another example: I was talking with a friend about Criminal Minds and couldn't remember the name of the main actor, I just said "You know, that guy that always looks constipated" and she said "Yeah, that's Mandy Patinkin." So here is this actor who is aclaimed as a great artist, when all his acting technique actually comes down to is working up an expression on his face indicative of a diet high in cheese. Mandy Patinkin's acting style comes down to looking constipated whenever something serious is happening --and the more serious the issue on the show, the more constipated he appears. Ok, so where am I going with this? You see, when the Caruso piece first ran last winter there was a lot of back and forth between someone who was allegedly a stalker, and another person who sounded like a groupie. Well the main problem in entertainment is not groupies or stalkers --it's a third group, the vast majority I call Gulpers. You see Gulpers are entertainment consumers who are, well, I think the best way to put this is --easily amused. They see someone on tv solving a murder mystery, with a very serious, very constipated look on their face --and they think it's great! Gulp Gulp, Gulp Gulp. You'll hear them talking excitedly at the office about the great show last night, when they should be working, all excited like they participated in something meaningful, until they get bored with it and the next year are gulping down the same thing in different time slot. Well Gulp on this: I am predicting that Mandy Patinkin's next career move is in country music! You heard it here first! Happy Gulping!

David Caruso --Alzheimer's?

I have noticed something strange about David Caruso's character on CSI MIAMI. He talks unusually slow, and has a spaced out look like he has dementia. Actually, Caruso's head looks like a shriveled potato with tomato sauce on top and sun glasses. Anyway, CSI Miami is action packed, and then maybe as a counterpoint you have this individual with halting speech saying something like "You're........in.........big......................trouble." I've heard of method acting, but what's the method here? Is Caruso used to pausing a lot while people ask him mental status questions? Such as "Can you tell me what year it is?" Caruso: "..........................I think.....the year, 19....no, it 2000....2000, yes that's the year" Ok, Caruso just got put on Aricept. This guy is making millions to stumble around and talk slow. I guess when he's on vacation he can have anybody from the local nursing home fill in, put on some shades and just be themselves. Anyway, "I'll................talk.....to.......you..................................later."

html has-been careerdeprecated\\ loser *^ no talent

NICK SABAN RESIGNS, SAYS COLLEGE ATHLETICS "EVIL"

NO ONE WAS EXPECTING IT --BUT AS OF APRIL 1ST, 2009, THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA IN TUSCALOOSA WON'T HAVE NICK SABAN TO LEAD THEM TO ANY MORE VICTORIES. COACH SABAN: "I'm deeply, deeply ashamed of the entire college athletics situation in this nation. I can no longer be part of this charade."

Saban told our reporter in an exclusive interview that he began thinking about his career last year when one of his players was arrested for selling cocaine. "That's when it began, that's when I finally stopped kidding myself about what college athletic programs amount to. I've seen players over they years arrested for all kinds of crimes --usually its assault or rape, a lot of possession of course, but dealing takes the cake. You know, it's a fact that research demonstrates that a highly disproportionate number of criminal acts that occur on college campuses are committed by the athletes. I know it, every coach in the country has always known it, yet we are paid millions to mind these thugs and actually looked up to by people. I'm tired of this shit. I was talking to an old college friend recently who is also a coach. We were talking about all of the low IQ players we have to deal with, how we have to constantly have to plot and scheme to help them get grades, encouraging them to take music appreciation and social work classes, getting them tutors, begging them to study instead of sitting on thier lazy asses talking to ignorant coeds, and he said 'Nick, it's kind of like we're back working at the ARC [Association for Retarded Citizens} on that summer job we both had, isn't it? ' That remark blew me away. He's right. Is there any bigger oxymoron than 'Athletic Scholarship?' A few years back they had some half time features of players who could actually read and write --gee, I wonder why it's necessary to highlight college athletes who are good students? They had one guy who actually liked to write science fiction stories and they made a big deal about that. Wow. I'm sure a lot of our players are really into science and have made a lot of discoveries that benefit the world, like how putting a jersey on makes road whores want to sleep with them, and how they can get jobs after college selling insurance and be the top salesman in the company because people in Alabama are so ignorant that they'll buy some fucking insurance policy insuring their trailer trash asses for a million dollars because they had so much fun listening to a real live former Bama player talk about them Bama games while he greases them up that they'll pretty much buy anything. Oh yeah, that's some real scientific discovering, Mensa material Nobel prizing winning players we've got they're! And you know what, you know what really really got to me? My wife had this Chinese exchange student over last summer who was staying with the neighbor. We were watching, guess what, a football game, and of course the coach was throwing a tantrum. Wu Chang said 'Man make ass out of self' in this heavy Chinese accent that caught me off guard because he was like I guess having Charlie Chan or Confucius on my couch laying down some ancient Chinese wisdom. Ok, so get this, then my wife explains 'Oh, he's not making an ass out of his self. He's a coach. That's how they act.' I wept when she said that. I wept. I have decided to devote the rest of my life to eliminating college athletic programs. Look at it this way. We educate our precious children, our country's future at universities where 99.999 percent of the time you have this fraudulent monster called a basketball progam or a football program which systematically sets up these low lives as people to be admired, all the while these dumb ass jocks are running around with their attitudes laughing at the people who are there to actually study, while they drink, drug, whore, bully, rape, and assault. What kind of filth is this? Is this college athletics thing a secret government program to instill cynicism in the educated? Maybe having these thugs around is part of their education. But what are we trying to teach? --the will to power? And you know what, for all of the idol worship they enjoy, when you really think about it, athletes don't do much that an animal couldn't be trained to do. I have more respect for my dog that most of my linemen. At least dogs have ethics. These thugs sure don't.

The response to the sudden announcement has been close to hysterical. Rick Burgess of the popular "Rick and Bubba Show" said on his program this morning "This is cultural genocide. We believe the liberals, the secular humanists, have gotten to our dear coach. For the first time in my life I am questioning God. I don't think a just God would allow the greatest athletic program in the history of the world to have a coach resign under these circumstances and say what he has said. I am driving to Tuscaloosa immediately after the end of this program, and will not leave until I figure out what is going on."

There are other reports of suicides in Alabama, the South and Midwest. Many workers have not been showing up for their jobs, as they believe there is no longer any reason to continue.

This site will provide updates on this breaking story as soon as they are available.

POPULAR SEARCHES SENTENCE OF THE DAY

THERE ARE SOME NEW NINTENDO Wii GAMES where Heath Ledger has a mission to return from the netherworld with coupons for an improved Golden Globes where boring people like Jennifer Lopez and Brangelina are given E-cards disinviting them in favor of the cool people in SlumDawg Millionare who are so brilliant they come up with a cure for Salmonella poisoning which only requires solar energy.

MARCH FIRST 2009 WILL BE FIRST ANNUAL "FART ON A LAWYER DAY"

TWO HUNDRED YEARS AGO SOMEONE DESCRIBED LAWYERS AS "THE ARBITERS OF JUSTICE FOR MEN MORE HONEST THAN THEMSELVES" Unfortunately, not much has changed since. Someone, however, intends to raise a stink about the situation with the first
"FART ON A LAWYER DAY" being set for March 1st of next year.
With a strategy similar to the Anonymous group that recently attacked Scientology, a mysterious web-based organization billing itself "COURT OF JACOBUS" sent out mass e-mails as early as November promoting the new day. A sample of their material: "They walk around court houses with smirks on their faces while the tired, sad people they prey upon sit on benches for hours waiting for their cases to be heard. They exist like eternal children, permanently cemented into their frat boy/ sorority house personalities, like the teenage boy kings of old engorged in their fiat after the untimely demise of the legitimate ruler. These parasites resist all legal remedies, because they are the law. We call for mass flatulence against this satanic force as the last result in a world where those who break the law suffer, those who obey the law struggle, and those who make the law shit on us all." (This is one of their milder publications.)
There are detailed instructions describing the appropriate prep for the first day of March. Besides beans, Bok Choy is highly recommended as diet. Participants are told to dress like attorneys themselves as they approach their target, and acting on the "He Who Smelt it Dealt It" principle, act as if they don't understand the startled reaction from those sampling the odiferous substance.
Court of Jacobus: "Of all the senses, smell gets down to the core level of the brain without being filtered out by the false constructions of our attorney based society. Thus a deeper truth is reached. No longer will people curse attorneys during the day time, and then go home and enjoy their cute antics on a show like 'Boston Legal.' We shall leave a scent that can never be washed out. Gas is our salvation. Gas is our future."
Predictably, Attorney Advocacy groups are furious: "What we have here is a small group of lunatic anarchists who don't even understand the legal system. And guess what --when we find out who is behind this, we are going to sue them!"
Already, there are signs that there will be heavy participation in the event. Sale of cabbage, beans, and especially Bok Choy are going through the roof. Security contractors report being completely book for the first week of March.

As always, SP will sniff out any new developments on this story

SAVANTS AT DINNER

THE MARILYN MANSON/REBA McENTIRE DUET THAT NEVER HAPPENED http://satirepatch.blogspot.com/2008/06/marilyn-manson-goes-country.html--FOR A FEW SHINING DAYS, it was the talk of the airwaves and many wondered --this impossible thing, could it be possible? As it turned out, it was impossible, however, the true story of the breakdown in the groundbreaking collaboration that was to be but never was is even more extraordinary than the thought of a man named Marilyn and woman called Reba singing together.

One of our reporters was finally able to get the inside scoop from Reba herself, after many months of trying. "You see" Reba told our interviewer "I was fully pre-pared to go ahead with it. I was all excitable about it. I remember driving up 65 past the Tennessean Truck Stop and I got a call on my remote control phone from my husband, Darnell. Darnell rings me and he is a saying 'Reber, I talked to your new buddy and he's coming over for lunch tomorrow afternoon.' Well I knew what he was talking about right away and I about wrecked my Mercedes. I said Darnell, don't you know I'm supposed to get my patootie checked tomorrow afternoon? Don't you 'member nothin'?! And Darnell is like 'Oh, uh sorry babe, yeah you got that dr appointment tomorrow for the gynecological doctor and such. How 'bout tellin' that guy, uh whatever he is, how about Thursday night?' So I says that's good, yeah, ok got to go."

"Ok, well now just because somebody is from a different kind of lifestyle we gonna do them right, so ol' Marilyn Manson comes over for dinner that Thursday dressed like a haint as usual, and we got this real nice dinner ready for him with real wine from France that I bought. And you know what, that ol' boy can act normal when he wants. We was havin' us a real nice discussion and then all sudden he says 'So, Reber, when Darnell dies, do you plan to have him stuffed?' Well let me tell you, I wasn't raised to talk about no stuff like that at the supper table, so I says 'You get the hell out of my house you damn freak!' And Darnell gets up and says 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass!'

Well, while Darnell is a puttin' him in his place, ol' Marilyn decides to get while the gettin' is good. Then I asked Darnell, I says now why didn't you kick his ass? And Darnell says 'Now baby, would you want Marilyn Manson's blood all over this house? We would have to have it fumigated, castigated and incinerated for the next five hundred years. That boy has probably got disease thangs livin' inside his body that scientific doctors don't even got no name for!!' And I said Sugar, you know can't nobody ever say I don't got a smart husband.

Right now I'm working on my thangs to say for the next Country Music Awards in '09. this year Carrie Underwood did the awards and everybody said she was boring and they want me back so I'm writin' down cute thangs to say. I get up on them awards and says my cute thangs, and people laugh at my cute thangs, and they pay me a million dollars! I doing purdy good for a cross-eyed simpleton from Oklahoma!"

This site will also be covering Reba's appearance at the Gary Levox Finger Painting Gallery in Nashville at the end of January. Stay tuned!

MANATEES ON RAMPAGE, JONAS BROTHERS GET INVOLVED

IF YOU THOUGHT MANATEES WERE PLACID HERBIVORES WHO ONLY WANT TO BE LOVED, you may rethink your opinion of the marine mammals after reading this exclusive story out of Florida about a population of the species which has gone berserk. According to one eyewitness of an attack "It was the most horrendous thing I've ever seen. I was fishing and about thirty yards behind me some elderly gentlemen were casting from their boat, and suddenly this huge manatee jumped up in the boat with them, and began biting their necks. One of the men died instantly. The other man...the other man was eaten alive as he screamed for help."

Other eyewitnesses tell of the animals working in teams as they prey on humans near shore. "One of the manatees acted like it was caught in fishing line, and made a whimpering sound. When some concerned people gathered around, they discovered they were surrounded by other manatees which had surrounded them while the people were distracted. What happened next was unspeakable."

Theories as to why the manatees have become meat eaters range from rabies to chicken antibiotics effecting their brain chemistry. The native Seminoles also have some wisdom on the subject: "The old ones speak of a time when the water bears as we call them would become deranged and attack the people. They said it was because the Great Spirit was unhappy. We think that what's happening now is due to the Great Spirit's anger over the millions of people moving into Florida and destroying nature."

The Great Spirit must be quite chagrined. Law enforcement say that even when shot several times the manatees keep coming. "We pumped over six hundred rounds into one of them before it stopped. I've never seen anything like it. I think we need the military to get involved. These damn things are just too much for us."

Although pentagon officials have bitterly resisted the requests by state officials to divert troops from the middle east, another party has stepped forward to join in the fight. According to the eldest Jonas brother, who's real name is Fred "We found out yesterday one of our fans was killed by a manatee. We are pissed off. Very pissed off. The manatees have messed with the wrong pop stars. We are going to do something to the manatees they've had coming for quite awhile now. We are going to use every bit of transportation we can get a hold of, bring down every bit of musical equipment in our entire show, and plug it all in. Then we are going to channel the electricity into their favorite river, and shock the heck out of them. Let me tell you, pretty soon the Jonas brothers will be eating manatee steak. And we're inviting our fans to the barbeque."

A SITE EXCLUSIVE