INTERVIEWS WITH THE DAMNED

Nothing is sadder than stories of child stars gone bad. As a veteran writer who's interviewed many former child actors I thought I had seen it all until I hunted up the bunch from Winnie the Pooh --to say I was staggered by what I saw is certainly an understatement. Christopher Robbins' involvement with Scientology, Tigger's struggle with Bipolar Disorder, Pooh's paralysis after a drunk driving accident...My time with these tortured souls took its toll emotionally, eventually leading to the end of my marriage. Finally, however, I found it all to be a deeply spiritual experience, one that allowed me to get in touch withy my own humanity in a way that would not otherwise have been possible.

I'll begin with an individual who was the most difficult to locate, both physically and emotionally. Indeed, even after the many hours I spent with him he is still an enigma.

Driving up the gravel driveway to a trailer home that looked like someone had found a crushed tin can and then tried to straighten it back out, I was overpowered by the force of time and place and maybe experienced a little dissociation. It had taken me so long to find this man, in Moulton, Alabama and now, finally, I was about to see...him. I gripped the steering wheel to anchor myself --was this really the final stop for that sweet little child who played Piglet? Superlatives spun through my brain like dust kicked up from a has been writer's pile of unsold manuscripts. He was the youngest, the boldest, the more talented of his group. And now, perhaps, the most lost.

As I stepped from my vehicle, I heard his voice: "Tammy, you ain't fed the dog yet? I bet you done fed your face, bitch."

And then it hit me. Maybe he wasn't lost. Maybe he had finally found himself here amidst his Deep South roots, becoming like so many in the part of the world, an abusive, IV crank user living off a disability check, although with an occasional royalty payment to make things interesting.

I knocked, and again heard the voice --"Tammy, ain't you gonna get that?" The door opened. "Well, shit I guess I have to do everything around here. You that Williams feller?"

I told him I was.

"Well come on in"

We sat in silence for a moment as I studied him. His huge jowels glistened with grease in the soft light, falling down from two huge, sad, angry pig eyes. Rolls of fat subtley shifted as this four hundred pounder made himself comfortable on his couch. I knew instantly that this was a soul who had known suffering.

"I want to thank you for allow--"

He cut me off. "Hell, you don't have to give no apology for being here. I'm the one who told you to come down."

"Allright"

The jowels moved again "I imagine you want me to talk about all the Winnie the Pooh shit. You know, people act like I never accomplished nothing else in my life other than run around the woods with a bunch of British faggots and appear on television. Well, I done a lot of other things, some of them was bad things, but I also did a lot of things right. Anyway, I decided to sit down with you because I think it's time I did talk about some of that mess. I mean, here I was a just a kid, and my daddy signed for me to go live in England, which is a whole other country outside of Alabama. Of course I made some mistakes. But I wasn't the only one.

I pondered where to go at that point. "There has been a lot of talk about what another member of the cast has termed a 'betrayal' on your part." The question lingered in the air as we sat there. I was little alarmed at the aggressivenes of the question that had just tripped out of my mouth. Was he going to get mad, and throw me out?

I was pleasantly suprised: "Yeah, you mean all that with Chris." Piglet's countenance grew wistful. "Now understand, I was very young at the time. Me and Chris Robbins already had a lot of partying under our belts, you see we would go to London on the weekends and pick up chicks, and yes, sometimes we were a little smashed when we showed up on the set Monday morning. But that's just normal stuff everybody goes through. What most people don't know is that Chris is ADD. That's Attention Deficit Disorder. I know because my son Tyler is on ADD medication. Anyways, the day it all happened we as on this big ass estate hunting pheasants which is what they do over there. They had a bunch of poor people lined up driving the pheasants our way to flush 'em out. Right away I knew it was going down hill because Chris would get excited and point his gun the wrong way. I said "Chris, pay attention, this ain't no make believe pooh bear thang goin' down, this shit is real!" Chris would turn his gun around the right way for awhile, but then he'ld start talking and get excited and do the same thing again. So after about four or five times of that mess I decided to get out of there before I ended up in the bag. I had just turned around to leave when I heard "BOOM, BOOM, BOOM." And not a second later "OH MY GOD, I'M SHOT, GOD PLEASE HELP ME I'M SHOT, OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DIE." And then comes Mr ADD himself running up beggin me not to tell anyone he had been pointing his gun the wrong way when he shot that feller, saying he was too young to go to prison and squalling like a two year old. Well, when the police sat me down I told them the truth. Now if that's betrayal, I guess I'm guilty. And ever since that day Chris has been making up all kinds of tales about me...I could go on and on, but I know the truth."

He lit a cigarette and took a deep drag, his large, smoke inflamed eyes rolling around their fat swollen sockets.

"It's along way from Buckingham to prison, isn't it?"

"No doubt" he responded. "Prison ain't no hundred acre wood, let me tell you."
But I'm done dealing, and ain't done any meth in two years."

"And you're done hitting your wife?"

Piglet finally got ticked off at me. "As long as she acts right! There's three thangs I can't stand: women who bitch too much, po-lice who arrest you for no reason, and judges who sent you to prison because they don't like you."

Figuring I needed to back off a little, I smiled and said "You've registered for the local sheriff's race. I'm sure you have a lot to offer with your background, however don't you think your criminal background will be a problem for your campaign?"

"Most people who run for office around here have done time. It's a tradition."

"What one thing would most surprise people about the making of Winnie the Pooh?

"Tigger! It's not an act. When they cut the camera he's running around yelling 'WOOHOO! WOOHOO!' I really don't see how he got cut a paycheck for being on Winnie the Pooh. Hell, that's like payin' me to smoke reefer and watch Bama games."

I spent almost a month with Piglet. We laughed together, cried together. Once I really got to know him I found Piglet to be a sensitive, intelligent, even philosophical person. It was with great sadness that I drove down that gravel road for the last time, past his sons Tyler, Cody and Dakota riding their four wheelers in the soft autumn air. I thought, he's been through so much. We've been through so much. I knew I would never be the same.


David Williams

PEOPLE ARE TURNING INTO JAMES OTTO

People everywhere are turning into James Otto, after listening to his literally infectious song "Just Got Started Loving You." What's it like to turn into James? First of all you stay the same size your were before the transformation, only you acquire one hundred percent of his physical features. For most people, it's a very troubling experience, although others have designs on James' royalities from his songs. Perhaps the person most disturbed by these events is the
original James, who is having greater and greater difficulty proving that he is the real James Otto: "I labored in obscurity for years and now, this....this is too much" James told a Patch eporter before breaking down into tears. Governments are working on the problem of how humans will reproduce from now on, as the thought of two James Ottos making love to one another is.........yeah, it's bad. Native Americans believe that the mass metamorphosis is a sign that the Great Spirit is angry about environmental destruction and trying to wake people up by turning them into hairy James. After all, what could wake people up more than turning into James Otto? John McCain and Barack Obama have taken to wearing name tags to distinguish themselves, and wondering if their debates this fall will have any impact with both of them looking like James. Modeling agencies have experienced mass bankruptcies. So what will society
be in ten years? Just like it is now --listening to Bill O'Reilly make bombastic statements about matters he's only half way looked into, only listener and broadcaster will be in the physical
form of James Otto.

Patch you later!

David Williams

Scientists Discover Lawyers Becoming a New Species

If you've ever thought lawyers were different from most people, you were right. According to researchers at the University of Berlin "In another five generations attorneys will not be able to breed with normal humans." It seems that selective breeding with the scheming sorority girls lawyers invariably marry, together with their own peculiar genetics, are creating a new genotype incompatible with the rest of humanity, something which was recently confirmed in the discovery of the so called "lawyer gene."

Professor Eisenstat of the University explains further: "Using the powerful Five Factor Model of Personality, we find that built into attorneys is a lack of empathy which cannot be estimated by any known metric; the best we can explain it is to state that their score on the Agreeableness trait approaches, to use a physics term, absolute zero. Their average score on Openness to Experience is the most normal, while their status on the Extraversion and Neuroticism scales, is respectively abnormally high, and low. The combination of anomolous status on most of the scales comprises something we think of as factor six, or the shiester complex."

Solutions to the problem are as wide ranging as the lawyers' scores on personality tests. Moreover, the discovery of the lawyer gene in the Federal Republic brings up some dark reminders of Germany's past, but in a new way. Dr Eisenstat: "Some have even have recommended confining lawyers to special camps, where they could be monitored...of course, we here at the university do not condone this line of thinking in any way, shape or form."

As usual, we will continue to follow this intriguing story....if we don't get sued first.

Have a patchin' day!

David

MARILYN MANSON GOES COUNTRY

IT'S OFFICIAL --MARILYN MANSON CONFIRMS HE WILL BE RELEASING COUNTRY ALBUM SOON, SEVERAL PRESS AGENCIES REPORT. Although some think the move is a bit of a stretch, Reba McEntire, who duets with him on his first country album explains: "Well, here I was sitting by my lonesome at home, looking out the winder, when ol' Marilyn Manson calls me up and says 'Ms McEntire, would you like to do a duet with me on my next album?' So I says to Mr Manson, now you wouldn't be pulling a prank on little ol' Reber would you, and he said no, he's serious, he was so inspired by the work I did with Kelly Clarkson he wanted to see if he could do as good even though he's kind of more of a punk feller he is actually a big fan of blue grass and country. I told him if you ain't yeller let's get 'er done!"

Mr Manson sees the change in genres as a natural: "Talking to Reber, I mean Reba, really clarified my participation in country as the next natural step in my musical evolution. I have to admit, the nihilism thing is getting a little old. It's time for me to come back to earth a little while and communicate about things like cornbread and chicken (I'm a big Allan Jackson fan, by the way). "

Manson's lyrics on the new album are fascinating. He bridges the gap by delivering a transition rendition of an old song with the following lyrics:

Beautiful People! Beautiful People!
Rascal Flatts, Doesn't Rhyme with Steeple!

Manson's version of country is also tender at times, such as in his song "Party Tractor"

I guess I was a little high.
I guess you are a little dead.
Sorry that I did some acid
And drove the John Deere over your head

And as for Manson's new appearance? "It's been my toughest challenge. I found out that a cowboy hat made out of human skin is illegal. I'm still working on that one."

Please check here in coming days for new developments on this story.

Patch you later!

David

Sex and the City Shocker

Viewers of the Sex and the City movie, based on the hit HBO Soap Opera of the same name were devastated by unexpected plot twists when the much anticipated movie was finally released. Everyone knew there would be suprises, however no one expected emergency services to be called to screening sites. We interviewed Joe Petronni, manager of a Secaucus, New Jersey theatre: "Yeah, we had all hese 35 year old broads come in real excited. They were obnoxious bitches, looked rich. They had like sorority house accents. Anyways, they were all happy, laughing a lot when they weren't harrassing my workers about making the popcorn wrong. About an hour into the movie one of them comes running out crying, then two more. None of 'em made it through the whole two hours. We even had an ambulance brought out because one of these girls thought she was having a stroke.

WHAT COULD SO UPSET THESE LADIES? It seems the writers decided to lay some serious truth on the main character, Carrie who was left at the alter by the groom when one of her jealous friends told the man Carrie has herpes. The rest of the cast fared no better, as all were revealed to be promiscuous narcissists who no man in his right mind would ever think about touching. One of the character's boyfriends summed it all up when he dumped her --"All you want to do is sit around with your goofy friends and talk about sex. I'm tired of your nasty talk. I'm going to marry a nice girl....once I've had some blood tests."

Hope all enjoyed this new story

Keep on patchin!

David

Rascal Flat

I'm sending a desperate message to people on all continents. Is there anyone out there, a single person at least, who doesn't get Rascal Flatts. There is something terribly wrong here. How could they have gotten anywhere? If you play their music backwards, it must say "Listen to s--- and like it, listen to s--- and like it." The band members themselves look like the kind of people you see working at a record store in the mall while they live off their girlfriends who are stupid enough to believe their promises that they will marry them and make them rich once they make it big with their "career." I'm sure these losers' hairdos haven't changed since they got burned in the tenth grade buying crushed up oak leaves sold to them as marijuana. Maybe they are still smoking oak leaves, and that has effect their brains. Is this really supposed to be a country band? They're pop, and not even good pop but the kind of music you hear at the dentist's office. Why do these people have money why aren't they working at a car wash where they belong. Even their name ticks me off --Rascal Flatts. Flatts is like a country name, so someone hears it and thinks, yeah, these guys are country, their name sounds like a place out in the country --and then, Rascal-- oh yeah, these guys are big rascals, they are real hell raisers, running around with those rascally hair dos, that's very rascally of you guys to comb your hair funny --wow you guys are really big time rebels with those rascally hair dos. Why do these people have money? Why aren't they working at a car wash where they belong? What kind of Twilight Zone is the world living in? Everything is upside down; these no talent freaks are performing at the CMA instead of picking up trash at night in my office.

Well, I'm feeling real rascally now!

Patch it later!

David

Of Gulpers, Constipation and Mandy Patinkin

When the David Caruso piece originally ran on Sweetpea-Honeybun there was a lot of controversy and name calling , it seems like some people freak out criticizing Caruso because they think so highly of him. Well, maybe I've done a little name calling myself, but it's all in fun. You see, a lot of well respected actors don't inspire much admiriation in myself; actually their acting style makes me laugh. I'll give you another example: I was talking with a friend about Criminal Minds and couldn't remember the name of the main actor, I just said "You know, that guy that always looks constipated" and she said "Yeah, that's Mandy Patinkin." So here is this actor who is aclaimed as a great artist, when all his acting technique actually comes down to is working up an expression on his face indicative of a diet high in cheese. Mandy Patinkin's acting style comes down to looking constipated whenever something serious is happening --and the more serious the issue on the show, the more constipated he appears. Ok, so where am I going with this? You see, when the Caruso piece first ran last winter there was a lot of back and forth between someone who was allegedly a stalker, and another person who sounded like a groupie. Well the main problem in entertainment is not groupies or stalkers --it's a third group, the vast majority I call Gulpers. You see Gulpers are entertainment consumers who are, well, I think the best way to put this is --easily amused. They see someone on tv solving a murder mystery, with a very serious, very constipated look on their face --and they think it's great! Gulp Gulp, Gulp Gulp. You'll hear them talking excitedly at the office about the great show last night, when they should be working, all excited like they participated in something meaningful, until they get bored with it and the next year are gulping down the same thing in different time slot. Well Gulp on this: I am predicting that Mandy Patinkin's next career move is in country music! You heard it here first! Happy Gulping!

Patch you later,

David