ALABAMA FOOTBALL PLAYERS HEADED TO CHAIN GANG

THOSE ALABAMA FOOTBALL PLAYERS recently arrested for beating and robbing a fellow student have a lot more to worry about than getting kicked off the team and spending a little time in the county lock up.  According to Clavington and Clavington, a well known Montgomery, Alabama law firm, they will soon be picking up trash on Alabama Highways as part of a different kind of "special team". 
     Hugh Clavington:  "Due to a little noticed law enacted by the most recent session of the Alabama legislature, anyone convicted of a felonious violent crime involving theft will automatically be sentenced to 'Corrective Community Rectification' that is, a chain gang.  This law was intended as an answer to a rapid upswing in violent assaults by meth users in our state who have become increasingly aggressive in their theft perpetration.  No one imagined it would be applied to some Bama players who beat up a kid to get into a snack machine.  But the law's the law.
     Susan Cosmiano, with the National Survey of Violence in Collegiate Athletic Programs, observed that "While the idea of convicts working in chains in the hot Southern sun is anachronistic, it may be just what is needed to wake up our society in the case of these out of control college athletes.  Just this morning I interviewed some heart broken parents who realized that at the very time their daugter was being raped by athletes at a state university in the Midwest, they were watching a ball game.  Our nation needs to wake up."
     The Alabama coach, Mr. Saban has released a statement that the behavior of the student athletes in question is "not acceptable."  He has not stated whether or not their placement on a chain gang is acceptable.

QUEEN'S PUBIC HAIR BEING AUCTIONED ON EBAY

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THIS MORNING A CANADIAN MAN ANNOUNCED HIS INTENT TO AUCTION HER MAJESTY'S PUBIC HAIR ON EBAY.  According to Toronto's Richard Warren, "Several years ago I acquired the hair but have sat on them, waiting for the right moment.  Obviously, the 60 Year Jubilee is the perfect background for bringing out this item.  I'm very excited." 

Warren, well known in Toronto as a promoter of outrageous objects, says he can guarantee he is in possession of the real deal.   "I have undeniable proof that own the genuine article.  And only one other person in the world has any." 

Others aren't so sure.  Robert Christy, of the Toronto Sun:  Mr. Warren has made claims to many unusual finds, including a condom used by JFK.  A few, and let me emphasize few, of his claims have been verified.  Most have not.  I doubt any has the stomach to investigate this one, which may be something this gentleman is counting on."

The auction of Queen Elizabeth's unmentionables will occur in August, and will per the seller be accompanied by a link to expert testimonial from a well regarded geneticist. 

The palace has declined to comment. 

labels:  pubic area, Republican plot, chinese dry wall, egg plants, Kanada, Royal Family, crown jewels, nasty, digusting, marilyn manson, REBA, Royal Family, joke, fraudulent line of succession, CARRIE UNDERWOOD, SATTIRE, COMEDY, elderly, WRITER, renamed, BIG BEN, renaming, rename, THE ELIZABETH TOWERS, kingdom, QUEEN OF ENGLAND, QUEEN ELIZABETH II, KING PHILLIP, anger, pagent, celebration, Australian truck driver with a beer belly who's the real British sovereign, royalty, throne, DIAMOND JUBILEE, William and Kate, tele

SP

MARILYN MANSON IS GOING COUNTRY

MANSON GOES COUNTRY

IT'S OFFICIAL --MARILYN MANSON CONFIRMS HE WILL BE RELEASING COUNTRY ALBUM SOON, SEVERAL PRESS AGENCIES REPORT. Although some think the move is a bit of a stretch, Reba McEntire, who duets with him on his first country album explains: "Well, here I was sitting by my lonesome at home, looking out the winder, when ol' Marilyn Manson calls me up and says 'Ms McEntire, would you like to do a duet with me on my next album?' So I says to Mr Manson, now you wouldn't be pulling a prank on little ol' Reber would you, and he said no, he's serious, he was so inspired by the work I did with Kelly Clarkson he wanted to see if he could do as good even though he's kind of more of a punk feller he is actually a big fan of blue grass and country. I told him if you ain't yeller let's get 'er done!"Mr Manson sees the change in genres as a natural: "Talking to Reber, I mean Reba, really clarified my participation in country as the next natural step in my musical evolution. I have to admit, the nihilism thing is getting a little old. It's time for me to come back to earth a little while and communicate about things like cornbread and chicken (I'm a big Allan Jackson fan, by the way). "Manson's lyrics on the new album are fascinating. He bridges the gap by delivering a transition rendition of an old song with the following lyrics:

Beautiful People! Beautiful People!
Rascal Flatts, Doesn't Rhyme with Steeple!

Manson's version of country is also tender at times, such as in his song "Party Tractor"

I guess I was a little high.
I guess you are a little dead.
Sorry that I did some acid
And drove the John Deere over your head

And as for Manson's new appearance? "It's been my toughest challenge. I found out that a cowboy hat made out of human skin is illegal. I'm still working on that one."Please check here in coming days for new developments on this story.

Patch you later!

CHINESE DRY WALL ALERT

MILLIONS OF HOMES INTHE US, CANADA AND EVEN AUSTRALIA CONTAIN TOXIC CHINESE DRYWALL. HOW DO YOU TELL IF YOUR HOME CONTAINS THIS TOXIC TIMEBOMB? THERE'S A SIMPLE TEST THAT REQUIRES NO SPECIAL EQUIPMENT. FIRST, YOU CONTACT YOUR NEAREST CHINESE RESTAURANT AND ORDER AN EGGROLL --IT HAS TO BE FRESH FOR THIS TO WORK. NEXT, SMASH THE EGGROLL ON THE SUSPECTED DRY WALL. BE SURE AND SMASH IT HARD ENOUGH SO THAT A QUANTITY OF GREASE FROM THE EGGROLL COVERS THE DRY WALL. LEAVE THE ROOM FOR AT LEAST TWO HOURS, AFTER FIRST TURNING UP THE ROOM'S TEMPERATURE TO AT LEAST 80 DEGREES. WHEN YOU RETURN YOU CAN IDENTIFY THE SUSPECT DRY WALL BECAUSE THE EGGROLL TREATMENT WILL REVEAL CHINESE CHARACTERS --SORT OF LIKE A WATERMARK ON A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL. MAKE SURE YOU GET A PICTURE OF THE WATERMARK. OF COURSE, PROFESSIONAL VALIDATION OF THE CHINESE LANGUAGE CHARACTERS MAY BE NECESSARY BY A TRAINED LINGUIST. THAT'S WHY YOU NEED TO PHOTOGRAPHS. PLEASE TAKE THIS THREAT SERIOUSLY. YOUR LIFE, AND THE WELLBEING OF THOSE YOU LOVE ARE AT STAKE.

SP

Who knew there were farting blogs??

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I LOOKED THEM UP AND THERE ARE SUCH THINGS!!

LOTS OF THEM--

TYPE IT IN ON YOUR BROWSER.

REALLY!! I'M SERIOUS!!

SEE??!!...

CAN Y'ALL BELIEVE??

HEY, ALSO THE OTHER SP CALLED ME UP TODAY TO TELL ME HE FARTED @ WORK.

CAN Y'ALL BELIEVE THIS??!!...

I KNOW, IT'S SOME FUNNY STUFF BC I LAUGHED MY HEAD OFF!!

Y'ALL SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE!!

GOD BLESS!!

--the better sp!!

EVIL HAMSTER HAIKU

EVIL HAMSTER

DANCING

ON

HIS WHEEL

TRYING

TO CONTROL

MY MIND

EVIL HAMSTER

WILL

DANCE

IN

THE MICROWAVE

STEPHEN HAWKING WILL BE STUFFED, ACCORDING TO WILL

STEPHEN HAWKING'S WILL COVERS THE NORMAL MUNDANE DETAILS OF A DISPOSITION OF AN ESTATE, BUT THERE IS ONE INTERESTING PROVISION WHICH SOME MAY FIND A LITTLE SURPRISING --PROFESSOR HAWKING'S WISH TO BE STUFFED AND DISPLAYED TO PHYSICS STUDENTS AT CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY WHILE TAPES OF HIS LECTURES ARE PLAYED. Hawking, known for his rye sense of humor, states in his will that the taped lectures which he will give in perpetuity will provide a tremendous financial advantage to the University, as it will have at it's disposal a teacher who will require no salary or benefits.

One Cambridge physics student, Rashmi Sing, commented that "It's a good idea. I mean, it sounds a little strange, but this way we never lose someone so valuable. He just keeps on giving lectures. I wish we had the same arrangement with Einstein."