NICK SABAN RESIGNS, SAYS COLLEGE ATHLETICS "EVIL"

NO ONE WAS EXPECTING IT --BUT AS OF APRIL 1ST, 2009, THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA IN TUSCALOOSA WON'T HAVE NICK SABAN TO LEAD THEM TO ANY MORE VICTORIES. COACH SABAN: "I'm deeply, deeply ashamed of the entire college athletics situation in this nation. I can no longer be part of this charade."

Saban told our reporter in an exclusive interview that he began thinking about his career last year when one of his players was arrested for selling cocaine. "That's when it began, that's when I finally stopped kidding myself about what college athletic programs amount to. I've seen players over they years arrested for all kinds of crimes --usually its assault or rape, a lot of possession of course, but dealing takes the cake. You know, it's a fact that research demonstrates that a highly disproportionate number of criminal acts that occur on college campuses are committed by the athletes. I know it, every coach in the country has always known it, yet we are paid millions to mind these thugs and actually looked up to by people. I'm tired of this shit. I was talking to an old college friend recently who is also a coach. We were talking about all of the low IQ players we have to deal with, how we have to constantly have to plot and scheme to help them get grades, encouraging them to take music appreciation and social work classes, getting them tutors, begging them to study instead of sitting on thier lazy asses talking to ignorant coeds, and he said 'Nick, it's kind of like we're back working at the ARC [Association for Retarded Citizens} on that summer job we both had, isn't it? ' That remark blew me away. He's right. Is there any bigger oxymoron than 'Athletic Scholarship?' A few years back they had some half time features of players who could actually read and write --gee, I wonder why it's necessary to highlight college athletes who are good students? They had one guy who actually liked to write science fiction stories and they made a big deal about that. Wow. I'm sure a lot of our players are really into science and have made a lot of discoveries that benefit the world, like how putting a jersey on makes road whores want to sleep with them, and how they can get jobs after college selling insurance and be the top salesman in the company because people in Alabama are so ignorant that they'll buy some fucking insurance policy insuring their trailer trash asses for a million dollars because they had so much fun listening to a real live former Bama player talk about them Bama games while he greases them up that they'll pretty much buy anything. Oh yeah, that's some real scientific discovering, Mensa material Nobel prizing winning players we've got they're! And you know what, you know what really really got to me? My wife had this Chinese exchange student over last summer who was staying with the neighbor. We were watching, guess what, a football game, and of course the coach was throwing a tantrum. Wu Chang said 'Man make ass out of self' in this heavy Chinese accent that caught me off guard because he was like I guess having Charlie Chan or Confucius on my couch laying down some ancient Chinese wisdom. Ok, so get this, then my wife explains 'Oh, he's not making an ass out of his self. He's a coach. That's how they act.' I wept when she said that. I wept. I have decided to devote the rest of my life to eliminating college athletic programs. Look at it this way. We educate our precious children, our country's future at universities where 99.999 percent of the time you have this fraudulent monster called a basketball progam or a football program which systematically sets up these low lives as people to be admired, all the while these dumb ass jocks are running around with their attitudes laughing at the people who are there to actually study, while they drink, drug, whore, bully, rape, and assault. What kind of filth is this? Is this college athletics thing a secret government program to instill cynicism in the educated? Maybe having these thugs around is part of their education. But what are we trying to teach? --the will to power? And you know what, for all of the idol worship they enjoy, when you really think about it, athletes don't do much that an animal couldn't be trained to do. I have more respect for my dog that most of my linemen. At least dogs have ethics. These thugs sure don't.

The response to the sudden announcement has been close to hysterical. Rick Burgess of the popular "Rick and Bubba Show" said on his program this morning "This is cultural genocide. We believe the liberals, the secular humanists, have gotten to our dear coach. For the first time in my life I am questioning God. I don't think a just God would allow the greatest athletic program in the history of the world to have a coach resign under these circumstances and say what he has said. I am driving to Tuscaloosa immediately after the end of this program, and will not leave until I figure out what is going on."

There are other reports of suicides in Alabama, the South and Midwest. Many workers have not been showing up for their jobs, as they believe there is no longer any reason to continue.

This site will provide updates on this breaking story as soon as they are available.

POPULAR SEARCHES SENTENCE OF THE DAY

THERE ARE SOME NEW NINTENDO Wii GAMES where Heath Ledger has a mission to return from the netherworld with coupons for an improved Golden Globes where boring people like Jennifer Lopez and Brangelina are given E-cards disinviting them in favor of the cool people in SlumDawg Millionare who are so brilliant they come up with a cure for Salmonella poisoning which only requires solar energy.