MAN DIES, DISCOVERS JOHN MALKOVICH IS GOD

"I DIDN'T BELIEVE IN AN AFTERLIFE, HEAVEN, GOD OR ANY OF THAT, but now I know. HE is real. He is God"

The "He" being referred to by Matthew Maxwell, professor of mathematics at the Univesity of Chicago, is none other than John Malkovich.

It all started when Dr Maxwell had a routine colonoscopy. "I was more concerned about the inconvenience than any danger I might be in. I didn't know the anethesiologist was about to make a grave error, an error which has altered my life forever."

Dr Maxwell says when thing went wrong during the procedure he saw a light and went through a long tunnel. Pretty standard stuff for a near death experience. Only in this case the Supreme Being was someone well known to movie buffs.

"I saw this throne with a beautiful, blinding light that drew me in to what felt like infinite love. And then suddenly I began my personal audience with Him. With
John Malkovich. He told me that he had brought me to His presence because he had a message for the world, and that message was that if we on the planet don't start working together on our problems, something terrible is going to happen."

Maxwell says he begged to stay there with God but was told that wasn't possible, it wasn't part of the plan.

"When I woke up there were five doctors staring at me. And then someone said 'He's alive. He's going to make it!' Well, I didn't remember anything for the first month after surgery, and was mostly focused on a lawsuit against the hospital. But now I'm not interested in suing anybody. I just want to spread His word."

The recall of the near death event occured in an unusual place. "I was in Blockbuster and I saw His image on a poster, and it all came back to me. I got down on my knees and begged forgiveness for not doing His bidding, but the manager made me leave."

Many are skeptical. This reporter brought up an obvious point with Dr Maxwell, and asked "John Malkovich has made some comments some find disturbing, for instance saying that the problems of homeless people are self inflicted. How could a loving
God say something like that?"

"Don't you understand?" came the reply. "He says callous things to help us recognize our own lack of empathy. He teaches by exaggeration and parody. It's the only language this wicked generation understands."

So, what does the incarnate John think about his number one fan? "When you're a celebrity there's always some kind of bullshit going on with the public. I think this guy is probably just another stalker. Although, I think I'm just as eligible [to be God] as anyone else."

This website welcomes any further comments by Mr Malkovich as this story progresses. In the mean time we'll all be taking His work more seriously.


David Williams

NEW, SURPRISING PROBLEM FOR SARAH PALIN

Seconds after the end of her acceptance speech at the Republican convention, hundreds of pollsters began calling potential voters to gauge their reaction to her performance. Amidst the controversary over her alleged lack of experience, and the investigation into whether or not she influenced the firing of her former brother-in-law from his job as a state trooper, a new quandry presents itself involving her children, only this has nothing to do with an unplanned pregancy. As one poll taker who was quoted put it: "It's difficult to trust someone who gave her children such stupid names." Governor Palin's kids, "Willow", "Piper", "Bristol", "Track" (no, this is not a joke) and "Trig." Although Palin has an explanation for every one of these names, others wonder what kind of names will be supplied to things like ships and national parks should she become vice president. A delegate to the convention who heard her speech first hand, and who spoke only on condition of anonymity, stated "I can just see this woman giving a new aircraft carrier a flaky name like 'Cody Wavecutter Supreme' What the hell kind of thinking is that. Just please, please don't tell me what her kids' middle names are. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.

Although some may find the matter to be trivial, these polls show that the negatives on the subject are so strong they could take as many as two points from the Palin-McCain ticket in the popular vote. Several Republican operatives are furious that the matter wasn't more deeply looked into before Palin was chosen. A senior McCain aide: "If she is just going to make up names for her kids, what else is she making up?"

We'll keep you posted on this fascinating story.

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