>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>MOST YOUNG MUSICIANS STRUGGLE WITH ODD JOBS WHILE THEY ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT BIG, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE KENNY CHESNEY really put the "odd" in odd with his previously unreported foray into the wrestling world. What's really strange about his brief career on the mat was that it was done as a member of the "WEE WRESTLER'S LEAGUE" where Kenny was known as "THE MIGHTY MUNCHKIN." A video now circulating on YouTube is a little fuzzy, but when the young Kenny is in a headlock you can hear his unmistakably nasal voice begging "OOOOWWWWWWWW PLEASE LET ME GOOWWWWWW!" Kenny was known as a bit of a whiner in the midget world. We interviewed Terribly Tiny who was in several contests with The Mighty Munchkin: "He was the biggest baby I ever met. As soon as we were in the locker room he was like 'Damn, Paul you know it's not supposed to be real. That really hurt!' He would bitch so much we started calling him 'The Mighty Baby.' Kenny liked the money, but Kenny ticked so many people off none of us Little People would agree to wrestle him."
Chesney's publicist was visibly angered about the video: "All I have to say is that what people do in their personal life is nobody's business. What does wrestling have to do with country music. It's not like Kenny sold drugs or something."
Kenny himself agreed to discuss the matter, but the interview was cut short after he became agitated, and fell off the coffee can he was standing on after jumping up and down on it several times.
DG Williams
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Nine of Ten Failing Banks Headed by Former Fraternity Officers
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Dr. Victoria Chang of the University of California, Berkley reported presented a paper last week at the International Congress of Sociologists describing her research which found that slightly more than 90-percent of banks in the United States rated as failed or likely to fail by an independant auditing board are headed by men who were officers in so-called "Greek" organizations in college. Dr Chang added that "Most of the remaining ten-percent were headed by individuals educated in nations where American style fraternities do not exist."
Congress participants were bowled over by the extremely high correlation between a history of heavy fraternity involvement and bankruptcy. "I've never seen anything like it" said one participant. "Most researchers dream of this level of significance in their work but don't even come close. I am as impressed by Dr Chang's finding as I am appalled at the sickness in our society it illustrates."
Dr Chang provided several reason for the relationship: "Firstly, it is well documented that membership in these exclusive type organizations renders young, undeveloped personhoods into even more immature and narcissistic individuals. Fraternity, as well as sorority membership, deeply instills the adolescent traits of self-centerdness, obsession with status and ruthlessness. At the same time it provides the members with the just the kind of ultra self confidence and political skills which propels these type personalities to the top of corrupt, socially sick organizations where they are in a unique position to do extreme damage to the greater population. "
Another congress participant added: "We've all looked at these kind of groups as amusing or annoying. Now we know they are an endemic pathology which must be arrested before these types bring us all down."
Dr Chang offered a fascinating example of the fraternity personality from one of the original "Greeks" --Alcibiades, a figure from the Pelaponessian War between Athens and Sparta who lived two thousand years ago. "If you'll notice, most fraternities have a startling disconnect between their charter purpose of promoting Christianity and their actual behavior which amounts to a dogged dedication to debauchery and disrespect of the totallity of Christian tenets. Alcibiades, known from ancient times as the most finished Narcissist who ever lived, was known to have mocked the state religion on the eve before the departure of the Athenian fleet for the horrific disaster at Syracuse. The parallels are chilling."
Mike Benson, President of the National Order of Kappa Sigma, disagrees: "Fraternities mold young men into good citizens. Look at our charitable work. Fraternities enrichen their members, and produce our future leaders."
Others are not so sure about "our future leaders." A sociologist at the University of Chicago who asked not to be named informed our reporter that "We have a working group looking at ways of diminishing the place of fraternity damaged individuals in our society. We will begin by making their place in society a matter of question, so that in the future their displacement can occur. Our long range goal is the barring of fraternity members, and most especially former fraternity officers, from getting their CPA, teaching and stock broker's license. It's a matter of survival for our civilization."
.....................................................................................
Dr. Victoria Chang of the University of California, Berkley reported presented a paper last week at the International Congress of Sociologists describing her research which found that slightly more than 90-percent of banks in the United States rated as failed or likely to fail by an independant auditing board are headed by men who were officers in so-called "Greek" organizations in college. Dr Chang added that "Most of the remaining ten-percent were headed by individuals educated in nations where American style fraternities do not exist."
Congress participants were bowled over by the extremely high correlation between a history of heavy fraternity involvement and bankruptcy. "I've never seen anything like it" said one participant. "Most researchers dream of this level of significance in their work but don't even come close. I am as impressed by Dr Chang's finding as I am appalled at the sickness in our society it illustrates."
Dr Chang provided several reason for the relationship: "Firstly, it is well documented that membership in these exclusive type organizations renders young, undeveloped personhoods into even more immature and narcissistic individuals. Fraternity, as well as sorority membership, deeply instills the adolescent traits of self-centerdness, obsession with status and ruthlessness. At the same time it provides the members with the just the kind of ultra self confidence and political skills which propels these type personalities to the top of corrupt, socially sick organizations where they are in a unique position to do extreme damage to the greater population. "
Another congress participant added: "We've all looked at these kind of groups as amusing or annoying. Now we know they are an endemic pathology which must be arrested before these types bring us all down."
Dr Chang offered a fascinating example of the fraternity personality from one of the original "Greeks" --Alcibiades, a figure from the Pelaponessian War between Athens and Sparta who lived two thousand years ago. "If you'll notice, most fraternities have a startling disconnect between their charter purpose of promoting Christianity and their actual behavior which amounts to a dogged dedication to debauchery and disrespect of the totallity of Christian tenets. Alcibiades, known from ancient times as the most finished Narcissist who ever lived, was known to have mocked the state religion on the eve before the departure of the Athenian fleet for the horrific disaster at Syracuse. The parallels are chilling."
Mike Benson, President of the National Order of Kappa Sigma, disagrees: "Fraternities mold young men into good citizens. Look at our charitable work. Fraternities enrichen their members, and produce our future leaders."
Others are not so sure about "our future leaders." A sociologist at the University of Chicago who asked not to be named informed our reporter that "We have a working group looking at ways of diminishing the place of fraternity damaged individuals in our society. We will begin by making their place in society a matter of question, so that in the future their displacement can occur. Our long range goal is the barring of fraternity members, and most especially former fraternity officers, from getting their CPA, teaching and stock broker's license. It's a matter of survival for our civilization."
Sunday, October 5, 2008
RASCAL FLATTS' GARY LEVOX DIAGNOSED WITH DOWN'S SYNDROME AS A CHILD
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..........................EVERYONE KNOWS GARY LEVOX HAS AN INTERESTING PAST. WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW is that due to poor performance on intelligence tests when he was in kindergarten he was placed in a special education class. "They thought I had Down's Syndrome" Gary recently explained. "They thought I was, you know, like Corky."
Fans of the band are sticking behind their idol. One RF Superfan explained: "I don't care if he's a little slow. His music is deep. It touches people."
Gary says he doesn't care if people look at him different from now on. "I know who I am. I make a lot of money. So there!"
Gary also suprised people when he recently revealed the idea for their smash hit "Bob That Head" came from his experiences in special ed. "They had this real messed up guy sitting next to me who would repeat weird stuff all day long. He had two brothers whose names were Bob and Ted. His parents had tried to teach him for years to say their names, they would work with him all day long trying to get him to say Bob and Ted, but for some reason it got confused in his mind as 'Bob that Head.' He would say 'Bob that Head' for hours and hours in this retarded voice. I couldn't
handle it. I made up my mind right then and there that I was going to become a country star so I could be a big success and not sit around with special ed people all day long."
LeVox is also defensive about people who criticize his work: "People say we're pop, people say we're not country. Well, if you don't like RF you can go to hell. The other day I read some critical article about 'Bob that Head' who said it was the worst song in the history of country music, that it was the country equivalent of Jefferson Starships' We Built this City on Rock and Roll a song which was voted to be the worst song in rock history. Well I says 'Fuck you' to all my critics. If some of my fans don't read and write well that's ok. I've never read a book in my life and I'm doing just fine. I touch people with my music."
LeVox isn't giving out many interviews these days because he's consumed with his new passion: fingerpainting. "It's a high art. I love it. I want to have my own gallery one day, and when you walk in to see my finger art, you will hear 'Bob that Head' in the background."
SATIREPATCH
..........................EVERYONE KNOWS GARY LEVOX HAS AN INTERESTING PAST. WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW is that due to poor performance on intelligence tests when he was in kindergarten he was placed in a special education class. "They thought I had Down's Syndrome" Gary recently explained. "They thought I was, you know, like Corky."
Fans of the band are sticking behind their idol. One RF Superfan explained: "I don't care if he's a little slow. His music is deep. It touches people."
Gary says he doesn't care if people look at him different from now on. "I know who I am. I make a lot of money. So there!"
Gary also suprised people when he recently revealed the idea for their smash hit "Bob That Head" came from his experiences in special ed. "They had this real messed up guy sitting next to me who would repeat weird stuff all day long. He had two brothers whose names were Bob and Ted. His parents had tried to teach him for years to say their names, they would work with him all day long trying to get him to say Bob and Ted, but for some reason it got confused in his mind as 'Bob that Head.' He would say 'Bob that Head' for hours and hours in this retarded voice. I couldn't
handle it. I made up my mind right then and there that I was going to become a country star so I could be a big success and not sit around with special ed people all day long."
LeVox is also defensive about people who criticize his work: "People say we're pop, people say we're not country. Well, if you don't like RF you can go to hell. The other day I read some critical article about 'Bob that Head' who said it was the worst song in the history of country music, that it was the country equivalent of Jefferson Starships' We Built this City on Rock and Roll a song which was voted to be the worst song in rock history. Well I says 'Fuck you' to all my critics. If some of my fans don't read and write well that's ok. I've never read a book in my life and I'm doing just fine. I touch people with my music."
LeVox isn't giving out many interviews these days because he's consumed with his new passion: fingerpainting. "It's a high art. I love it. I want to have my own gallery one day, and when you walk in to see my finger art, you will hear 'Bob that Head' in the background."
SATIREPATCH
Sunday, September 14, 2008
MAN DIES, DISCOVERS JOHN MALKOVICH IS GOD
"I DIDN'T BELIEVE IN AN AFTERLIFE, HEAVEN, GOD OR ANY OF THAT, but now I know. HE is real. He is God"
The "He" being referred to by Matthew Maxwell, professor of mathematics at the Univesity of Chicago, is none other than John Malkovich.
It all started when Dr Maxwell had a routine colonoscopy. "I was more concerned about the inconvenience than any danger I might be in. I didn't know the anethesiologist was about to make a grave error, an error which has altered my life forever."
Dr Maxwell says when thing went wrong during the procedure he saw a light and went through a long tunnel. Pretty standard stuff for a near death experience. Only in this case the Supreme Being was someone well known to movie buffs.
"I saw this throne with a beautiful, blinding light that drew me in to what felt like infinite love. And then suddenly I began my personal audience with Him. With
John Malkovich. He told me that he had brought me to His presence because he had a message for the world, and that message was that if we on the planet don't start working together on our problems, something terrible is going to happen."
Maxwell says he begged to stay there with God but was told that wasn't possible, it wasn't part of the plan.
"When I woke up there were five doctors staring at me. And then someone said 'He's alive. He's going to make it!' Well, I didn't remember anything for the first month after surgery, and was mostly focused on a lawsuit against the hospital. But now I'm not interested in suing anybody. I just want to spread His word."
The recall of the near death event occured in an unusual place. "I was in Blockbuster and I saw His image on a poster, and it all came back to me. I got down on my knees and begged forgiveness for not doing His bidding, but the manager made me leave."
Many are skeptical. This reporter brought up an obvious point with Dr Maxwell, and asked "John Malkovich has made some comments some find disturbing, for instance saying that the problems of homeless people are self inflicted. How could a loving
God say something like that?"
"Don't you understand?" came the reply. "He says callous things to help us recognize our own lack of empathy. He teaches by exaggeration and parody. It's the only language this wicked generation understands."
So, what does the incarnate John think about his number one fan? "When you're a celebrity there's always some kind of bullshit going on with the public. I think this guy is probably just another stalker. Although, I think I'm just as eligible [to be God] as anyone else."
This website welcomes any further comments by Mr Malkovich as this story progresses. In the mean time we'll all be taking His work more seriously.
David Williams
The "He" being referred to by Matthew Maxwell, professor of mathematics at the Univesity of Chicago, is none other than John Malkovich.
It all started when Dr Maxwell had a routine colonoscopy. "I was more concerned about the inconvenience than any danger I might be in. I didn't know the anethesiologist was about to make a grave error, an error which has altered my life forever."
Dr Maxwell says when thing went wrong during the procedure he saw a light and went through a long tunnel. Pretty standard stuff for a near death experience. Only in this case the Supreme Being was someone well known to movie buffs.
"I saw this throne with a beautiful, blinding light that drew me in to what felt like infinite love. And then suddenly I began my personal audience with Him. With
John Malkovich. He told me that he had brought me to His presence because he had a message for the world, and that message was that if we on the planet don't start working together on our problems, something terrible is going to happen."
Maxwell says he begged to stay there with God but was told that wasn't possible, it wasn't part of the plan.
"When I woke up there were five doctors staring at me. And then someone said 'He's alive. He's going to make it!' Well, I didn't remember anything for the first month after surgery, and was mostly focused on a lawsuit against the hospital. But now I'm not interested in suing anybody. I just want to spread His word."
The recall of the near death event occured in an unusual place. "I was in Blockbuster and I saw His image on a poster, and it all came back to me. I got down on my knees and begged forgiveness for not doing His bidding, but the manager made me leave."
Many are skeptical. This reporter brought up an obvious point with Dr Maxwell, and asked "John Malkovich has made some comments some find disturbing, for instance saying that the problems of homeless people are self inflicted. How could a loving
God say something like that?"
"Don't you understand?" came the reply. "He says callous things to help us recognize our own lack of empathy. He teaches by exaggeration and parody. It's the only language this wicked generation understands."
So, what does the incarnate John think about his number one fan? "When you're a celebrity there's always some kind of bullshit going on with the public. I think this guy is probably just another stalker. Although, I think I'm just as eligible [to be God] as anyone else."
This website welcomes any further comments by Mr Malkovich as this story progresses. In the mean time we'll all be taking His work more seriously.
David Williams
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
NEW, SURPRISING PROBLEM FOR SARAH PALIN
Seconds after the end of her acceptance speech at the Republican convention, hundreds of pollsters began calling potential voters to gauge their reaction to her performance. Amidst the controversary over her alleged lack of experience, and the investigation into whether or not she influenced the firing of her former brother-in-law from his job as a state trooper, a new quandry presents itself involving her children, only this has nothing to do with an unplanned pregancy. As one poll taker who was quoted put it: "It's difficult to trust someone who gave her children such stupid names." Governor Palin's kids, "Willow", "Piper", "Bristol", "Track" (no, this is not a joke) and "Trig." Although Palin has an explanation for every one of these names, others wonder what kind of names will be supplied to things like ships and national parks should she become vice president. A delegate to the convention who heard her speech first hand, and who spoke only on condition of anonymity, stated "I can just see this woman giving a new aircraft carrier a flaky name like 'Cody Wavecutter Supreme' What the hell kind of thinking is that. Just please, please don't tell me what her kids' middle names are. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.
Although some may find the matter to be trivial, these polls show that the negatives on the subject are so strong they could take as many as two points from the Palin-McCain ticket in the popular vote. Several Republican operatives are furious that the matter wasn't more deeply looked into before Palin was chosen. A senior McCain aide: "If she is just going to make up names for her kids, what else is she making up?"
We'll keep you posted on this fascinating story.
Tyler Mason Cody Dakota Hunter Austin Gunfighter Earnhardt Williams
Although some may find the matter to be trivial, these polls show that the negatives on the subject are so strong they could take as many as two points from the Palin-McCain ticket in the popular vote. Several Republican operatives are furious that the matter wasn't more deeply looked into before Palin was chosen. A senior McCain aide: "If she is just going to make up names for her kids, what else is she making up?"
We'll keep you posted on this fascinating story.
Tyler Mason Cody Dakota Hunter Austin Gunfighter Earnhardt Williams
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
INTERVIEWS WITH THE DAMNED
Nothing is sadder than stories of child stars gone bad. As a veteran writer who's interviewed many former child actors I thought I had seen it all until I hunted up the bunch from Winnie the Pooh --to say I was staggered by what I saw is certainly an understatement. Christopher Robbins' involvement with Scientology, Tigger's struggle with Bipolar Disorder, Pooh's paralysis after a drunk driving accident...My time with these tortured souls took its toll emotionally, eventually leading to the end of my marriage. Finally, however, I found it all to be a deeply spiritual experience, one that allowed me to get in touch withy my own humanity in a way that would not otherwise have been possible.
I'll begin with an individual who was the most difficult to locate, both physically and emotionally. Indeed, even after the many hours I spent with him he is still an enigma.
Driving up the gravel driveway to a trailer home that looked like someone had found a crushed tin can and then tried to straighten it back out, I was overpowered by the force of time and place and maybe experienced a little dissociation. It had taken me so long to find this man, in Moulton, Alabama and now, finally, I was about to see...him. I gripped the steering wheel to anchor myself --was this really the final stop for that sweet little child who played Piglet? Superlatives spun through my brain like dust kicked up from a has been writer's pile of unsold manuscripts. He was the youngest, the boldest, the more talented of his group. And now, perhaps, the most lost.
As I stepped from my vehicle, I heard his voice: "Tammy, you ain't fed the dog yet? I bet you done fed your face, bitch."
And then it hit me. Maybe he wasn't lost. Maybe he had finally found himself here amidst his Deep South roots, becoming like so many in the part of the world, an abusive, IV crank user living off a disability check, although with an occasional royalty payment to make things interesting.
I knocked, and again heard the voice --"Tammy, ain't you gonna get that?" The door opened. "Well, shit I guess I have to do everything around here. You that Williams feller?"
I told him I was.
"Well come on in"
We sat in silence for a moment as I studied him. His huge jowels glistened with grease in the soft light, falling down from two huge, sad, angry pig eyes. Rolls of fat subtley shifted as this four hundred pounder made himself comfortable on his couch. I knew instantly that this was a soul who had known suffering.
"I want to thank you for allow--"
He cut me off. "Hell, you don't have to give no apology for being here. I'm the one who told you to come down."
"Allright"
The jowels moved again "I imagine you want me to talk about all the Winnie the Pooh shit. You know, people act like I never accomplished nothing else in my life other than run around the woods with a bunch of British faggots and appear on television. Well, I done a lot of other things, some of them was bad things, but I also did a lot of things right. Anyway, I decided to sit down with you because I think it's time I did talk about some of that mess. I mean, here I was a just a kid, and my daddy signed for me to go live in England, which is a whole other country outside of Alabama. Of course I made some mistakes. But I wasn't the only one.
I pondered where to go at that point. "There has been a lot of talk about what another member of the cast has termed a 'betrayal' on your part." The question lingered in the air as we sat there. I was little alarmed at the aggressivenes of the question that had just tripped out of my mouth. Was he going to get mad, and throw me out?
I was pleasantly suprised: "Yeah, you mean all that with Chris." Piglet's countenance grew wistful. "Now understand, I was very young at the time. Me and Chris Robbins already had a lot of partying under our belts, you see we would go to London on the weekends and pick up chicks, and yes, sometimes we were a little smashed when we showed up on the set Monday morning. But that's just normal stuff everybody goes through. What most people don't know is that Chris is ADD. That's Attention Deficit Disorder. I know because my son Tyler is on ADD medication. Anyways, the day it all happened we as on this big ass estate hunting pheasants which is what they do over there. They had a bunch of poor people lined up driving the pheasants our way to flush 'em out. Right away I knew it was going down hill because Chris would get excited and point his gun the wrong way. I said "Chris, pay attention, this ain't no make believe pooh bear thang goin' down, this shit is real!" Chris would turn his gun around the right way for awhile, but then he'ld start talking and get excited and do the same thing again. So after about four or five times of that mess I decided to get out of there before I ended up in the bag. I had just turned around to leave when I heard "BOOM, BOOM, BOOM." And not a second later "OH MY GOD, I'M SHOT, GOD PLEASE HELP ME I'M SHOT, OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DIE." And then comes Mr ADD himself running up beggin me not to tell anyone he had been pointing his gun the wrong way when he shot that feller, saying he was too young to go to prison and squalling like a two year old. Well, when the police sat me down I told them the truth. Now if that's betrayal, I guess I'm guilty. And ever since that day Chris has been making up all kinds of tales about me...I could go on and on, but I know the truth."
He lit a cigarette and took a deep drag, his large, smoke inflamed eyes rolling around their fat swollen sockets.
"It's along way from Buckingham to prison, isn't it?"
"No doubt" he responded. "Prison ain't no hundred acre wood, let me tell you."
But I'm done dealing, and ain't done any meth in two years."
"And you're done hitting your wife?"
Piglet finally got ticked off at me. "As long as she acts right! There's three thangs I can't stand: women who bitch too much, po-lice who arrest you for no reason, and judges who sent you to prison because they don't like you."
Figuring I needed to back off a little, I smiled and said "You've registered for the local sheriff's race. I'm sure you have a lot to offer with your background, however don't you think your criminal background will be a problem for your campaign?"
"Most people who run for office around here have done time. It's a tradition."
"What one thing would most surprise people about the making of Winnie the Pooh?
"Tigger! It's not an act. When they cut the camera he's running around yelling 'WOOHOO! WOOHOO!' I really don't see how he got cut a paycheck for being on Winnie the Pooh. Hell, that's like payin' me to smoke reefer and watch Bama games."
I spent almost a month with Piglet. We laughed together, cried together. Once I really got to know him I found Piglet to be a sensitive, intelligent, even philosophical person. It was with great sadness that I drove down that gravel road for the last time, past his sons Tyler, Cody and Dakota riding their four wheelers in the soft autumn air. I thought, he's been through so much. We've been through so much. I knew I would never be the same.
David Williams
I'll begin with an individual who was the most difficult to locate, both physically and emotionally. Indeed, even after the many hours I spent with him he is still an enigma.
Driving up the gravel driveway to a trailer home that looked like someone had found a crushed tin can and then tried to straighten it back out, I was overpowered by the force of time and place and maybe experienced a little dissociation. It had taken me so long to find this man, in Moulton, Alabama and now, finally, I was about to see...him. I gripped the steering wheel to anchor myself --was this really the final stop for that sweet little child who played Piglet? Superlatives spun through my brain like dust kicked up from a has been writer's pile of unsold manuscripts. He was the youngest, the boldest, the more talented of his group. And now, perhaps, the most lost.
As I stepped from my vehicle, I heard his voice: "Tammy, you ain't fed the dog yet? I bet you done fed your face, bitch."
And then it hit me. Maybe he wasn't lost. Maybe he had finally found himself here amidst his Deep South roots, becoming like so many in the part of the world, an abusive, IV crank user living off a disability check, although with an occasional royalty payment to make things interesting.
I knocked, and again heard the voice --"Tammy, ain't you gonna get that?" The door opened. "Well, shit I guess I have to do everything around here. You that Williams feller?"
I told him I was.
"Well come on in"
We sat in silence for a moment as I studied him. His huge jowels glistened with grease in the soft light, falling down from two huge, sad, angry pig eyes. Rolls of fat subtley shifted as this four hundred pounder made himself comfortable on his couch. I knew instantly that this was a soul who had known suffering.
"I want to thank you for allow--"
He cut me off. "Hell, you don't have to give no apology for being here. I'm the one who told you to come down."
"Allright"
The jowels moved again "I imagine you want me to talk about all the Winnie the Pooh shit. You know, people act like I never accomplished nothing else in my life other than run around the woods with a bunch of British faggots and appear on television. Well, I done a lot of other things, some of them was bad things, but I also did a lot of things right. Anyway, I decided to sit down with you because I think it's time I did talk about some of that mess. I mean, here I was a just a kid, and my daddy signed for me to go live in England, which is a whole other country outside of Alabama. Of course I made some mistakes. But I wasn't the only one.
I pondered where to go at that point. "There has been a lot of talk about what another member of the cast has termed a 'betrayal' on your part." The question lingered in the air as we sat there. I was little alarmed at the aggressivenes of the question that had just tripped out of my mouth. Was he going to get mad, and throw me out?
I was pleasantly suprised: "Yeah, you mean all that with Chris." Piglet's countenance grew wistful. "Now understand, I was very young at the time. Me and Chris Robbins already had a lot of partying under our belts, you see we would go to London on the weekends and pick up chicks, and yes, sometimes we were a little smashed when we showed up on the set Monday morning. But that's just normal stuff everybody goes through. What most people don't know is that Chris is ADD. That's Attention Deficit Disorder. I know because my son Tyler is on ADD medication. Anyways, the day it all happened we as on this big ass estate hunting pheasants which is what they do over there. They had a bunch of poor people lined up driving the pheasants our way to flush 'em out. Right away I knew it was going down hill because Chris would get excited and point his gun the wrong way. I said "Chris, pay attention, this ain't no make believe pooh bear thang goin' down, this shit is real!" Chris would turn his gun around the right way for awhile, but then he'ld start talking and get excited and do the same thing again. So after about four or five times of that mess I decided to get out of there before I ended up in the bag. I had just turned around to leave when I heard "BOOM, BOOM, BOOM." And not a second later "OH MY GOD, I'M SHOT, GOD PLEASE HELP ME I'M SHOT, OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DIE." And then comes Mr ADD himself running up beggin me not to tell anyone he had been pointing his gun the wrong way when he shot that feller, saying he was too young to go to prison and squalling like a two year old. Well, when the police sat me down I told them the truth. Now if that's betrayal, I guess I'm guilty. And ever since that day Chris has been making up all kinds of tales about me...I could go on and on, but I know the truth."
He lit a cigarette and took a deep drag, his large, smoke inflamed eyes rolling around their fat swollen sockets.
"It's along way from Buckingham to prison, isn't it?"
"No doubt" he responded. "Prison ain't no hundred acre wood, let me tell you."
But I'm done dealing, and ain't done any meth in two years."
"And you're done hitting your wife?"
Piglet finally got ticked off at me. "As long as she acts right! There's three thangs I can't stand: women who bitch too much, po-lice who arrest you for no reason, and judges who sent you to prison because they don't like you."
Figuring I needed to back off a little, I smiled and said "You've registered for the local sheriff's race. I'm sure you have a lot to offer with your background, however don't you think your criminal background will be a problem for your campaign?"
"Most people who run for office around here have done time. It's a tradition."
"What one thing would most surprise people about the making of Winnie the Pooh?
"Tigger! It's not an act. When they cut the camera he's running around yelling 'WOOHOO! WOOHOO!' I really don't see how he got cut a paycheck for being on Winnie the Pooh. Hell, that's like payin' me to smoke reefer and watch Bama games."
I spent almost a month with Piglet. We laughed together, cried together. Once I really got to know him I found Piglet to be a sensitive, intelligent, even philosophical person. It was with great sadness that I drove down that gravel road for the last time, past his sons Tyler, Cody and Dakota riding their four wheelers in the soft autumn air. I thought, he's been through so much. We've been through so much. I knew I would never be the same.
David Williams
Sunday, July 13, 2008
PEOPLE ARE TURNING INTO JAMES OTTO
People everywhere are turning into James Otto, after listening to his literally infectious song "Just Got Started Loving You." What's it like to turn into James? First of all you stay the same size your were before the transformation, only you acquire one hundred percent of his physical features. For most people, it's a very troubling experience, although others have designs on James' royalities from his songs. Perhaps the person most disturbed by these events is the
original James, who is having greater and greater difficulty proving that he is the real James Otto: "I labored in obscurity for years and now, this....this is too much" James told a Patch eporter before breaking down into tears. Governments are working on the problem of how humans will reproduce from now on, as the thought of two James Ottos making love to one another is.........yeah, it's bad. Native Americans believe that the mass metamorphosis is a sign that the Great Spirit is angry about environmental destruction and trying to wake people up by turning them into hairy James. After all, what could wake people up more than turning into James Otto? John McCain and Barack Obama have taken to wearing name tags to distinguish themselves, and wondering if their debates this fall will have any impact with both of them looking like James. Modeling agencies have experienced mass bankruptcies. So what will society
be in ten years? Just like it is now --listening to Bill O'Reilly make bombastic statements about matters he's only half way looked into, only listener and broadcaster will be in the physical
form of James Otto.
Patch you later!
David Williams
original James, who is having greater and greater difficulty proving that he is the real James Otto: "I labored in obscurity for years and now, this....this is too much" James told a Patch eporter before breaking down into tears. Governments are working on the problem of how humans will reproduce from now on, as the thought of two James Ottos making love to one another is.........yeah, it's bad. Native Americans believe that the mass metamorphosis is a sign that the Great Spirit is angry about environmental destruction and trying to wake people up by turning them into hairy James. After all, what could wake people up more than turning into James Otto? John McCain and Barack Obama have taken to wearing name tags to distinguish themselves, and wondering if their debates this fall will have any impact with both of them looking like James. Modeling agencies have experienced mass bankruptcies. So what will society
be in ten years? Just like it is now --listening to Bill O'Reilly make bombastic statements about matters he's only half way looked into, only listener and broadcaster will be in the physical
form of James Otto.
Patch you later!
David Williams
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