Scientists Discover Lawyers Becoming a New Species

If you've ever thought lawyers were different from most people, you were right. According to researchers at the University of Berlin "In another five generations attorneys will not be able to breed with normal humans." It seems that selective breeding with the scheming sorority girls lawyers invariably marry, together with their own peculiar genetics, are creating a new genotype incompatible with the rest of humanity, something which was recently confirmed in the discovery of the so called "lawyer gene."

Professor Eisenstat of the University explains further: "Using the powerful Five Factor Model of Personality, we find that built into attorneys is a lack of empathy which cannot be estimated by any known metric; the best we can explain it is to state that their score on the Agreeableness trait approaches, to use a physics term, absolute zero. Their average score on Openness to Experience is the most normal, while their status on the Extraversion and Neuroticism scales, is respectively abnormally high, and low. The combination of anomolous status on most of the scales comprises something we think of as factor six, or the shiester complex."

Solutions to the problem are as wide ranging as the lawyers' scores on personality tests. Moreover, the discovery of the lawyer gene in the Federal Republic brings up some dark reminders of Germany's past, but in a new way. Dr Eisenstat: "Some have even have recommended confining lawyers to special camps, where they could be monitored...of course, we here at the university do not condone this line of thinking in any way, shape or form."

As usual, we will continue to follow this intriguing story....if we don't get sued first.

Have a patchin' day!

David

MARILYN MANSON GOES COUNTRY

IT'S OFFICIAL --MARILYN MANSON CONFIRMS HE WILL BE RELEASING COUNTRY ALBUM SOON, SEVERAL PRESS AGENCIES REPORT. Although some think the move is a bit of a stretch, Reba McEntire, who duets with him on his first country album explains: "Well, here I was sitting by my lonesome at home, looking out the winder, when ol' Marilyn Manson calls me up and says 'Ms McEntire, would you like to do a duet with me on my next album?' So I says to Mr Manson, now you wouldn't be pulling a prank on little ol' Reber would you, and he said no, he's serious, he was so inspired by the work I did with Kelly Clarkson he wanted to see if he could do as good even though he's kind of more of a punk feller he is actually a big fan of blue grass and country. I told him if you ain't yeller let's get 'er done!"

Mr Manson sees the change in genres as a natural: "Talking to Reber, I mean Reba, really clarified my participation in country as the next natural step in my musical evolution. I have to admit, the nihilism thing is getting a little old. It's time for me to come back to earth a little while and communicate about things like cornbread and chicken (I'm a big Allan Jackson fan, by the way). "

Manson's lyrics on the new album are fascinating. He bridges the gap by delivering a transition rendition of an old song with the following lyrics:

Beautiful People! Beautiful People!
Rascal Flatts, Doesn't Rhyme with Steeple!

Manson's version of country is also tender at times, such as in his song "Party Tractor"

I guess I was a little high.
I guess you are a little dead.
Sorry that I did some acid
And drove the John Deere over your head

And as for Manson's new appearance? "It's been my toughest challenge. I found out that a cowboy hat made out of human skin is illegal. I'm still working on that one."

Please check here in coming days for new developments on this story.

Patch you later!

David

Sex and the City Shocker

Viewers of the Sex and the City movie, based on the hit HBO Soap Opera of the same name were devastated by unexpected plot twists when the much anticipated movie was finally released. Everyone knew there would be suprises, however no one expected emergency services to be called to screening sites. We interviewed Joe Petronni, manager of a Secaucus, New Jersey theatre: "Yeah, we had all hese 35 year old broads come in real excited. They were obnoxious bitches, looked rich. They had like sorority house accents. Anyways, they were all happy, laughing a lot when they weren't harrassing my workers about making the popcorn wrong. About an hour into the movie one of them comes running out crying, then two more. None of 'em made it through the whole two hours. We even had an ambulance brought out because one of these girls thought she was having a stroke.

WHAT COULD SO UPSET THESE LADIES? It seems the writers decided to lay some serious truth on the main character, Carrie who was left at the alter by the groom when one of her jealous friends told the man Carrie has herpes. The rest of the cast fared no better, as all were revealed to be promiscuous narcissists who no man in his right mind would ever think about touching. One of the character's boyfriends summed it all up when he dumped her --"All you want to do is sit around with your goofy friends and talk about sex. I'm tired of your nasty talk. I'm going to marry a nice girl....once I've had some blood tests."

Hope all enjoyed this new story

Keep on patchin!

David

Rascal Flat

I'm sending a desperate message to people on all continents. Is there anyone out there, a single person at least, who doesn't get Rascal Flatts. There is something terribly wrong here. How could they have gotten anywhere? If you play their music backwards, it must say "Listen to s--- and like it, listen to s--- and like it." The band members themselves look like the kind of people you see working at a record store in the mall while they live off their girlfriends who are stupid enough to believe their promises that they will marry them and make them rich once they make it big with their "career." I'm sure these losers' hairdos haven't changed since they got burned in the tenth grade buying crushed up oak leaves sold to them as marijuana. Maybe they are still smoking oak leaves, and that has effect their brains. Is this really supposed to be a country band? They're pop, and not even good pop but the kind of music you hear at the dentist's office. Why do these people have money why aren't they working at a car wash where they belong. Even their name ticks me off --Rascal Flatts. Flatts is like a country name, so someone hears it and thinks, yeah, these guys are country, their name sounds like a place out in the country --and then, Rascal-- oh yeah, these guys are big rascals, they are real hell raisers, running around with those rascally hair dos, that's very rascally of you guys to comb your hair funny --wow you guys are really big time rebels with those rascally hair dos. Why do these people have money? Why aren't they working at a car wash where they belong? What kind of Twilight Zone is the world living in? Everything is upside down; these no talent freaks are performing at the CMA instead of picking up trash at night in my office.

Well, I'm feeling real rascally now!

Patch it later!

David

Of Gulpers, Constipation and Mandy Patinkin

When the David Caruso piece originally ran on Sweetpea-Honeybun there was a lot of controversy and name calling , it seems like some people freak out criticizing Caruso because they think so highly of him. Well, maybe I've done a little name calling myself, but it's all in fun. You see, a lot of well respected actors don't inspire much admiriation in myself; actually their acting style makes me laugh. I'll give you another example: I was talking with a friend about Criminal Minds and couldn't remember the name of the main actor, I just said "You know, that guy that always looks constipated" and she said "Yeah, that's Mandy Patinkin." So here is this actor who is aclaimed as a great artist, when all his acting technique actually comes down to is working up an expression on his face indicative of a diet high in cheese. Mandy Patinkin's acting style comes down to looking constipated whenever something serious is happening --and the more serious the issue on the show, the more constipated he appears. Ok, so where am I going with this? You see, when the Caruso piece first ran last winter there was a lot of back and forth between someone who was allegedly a stalker, and another person who sounded like a groupie. Well the main problem in entertainment is not groupies or stalkers --it's a third group, the vast majority I call Gulpers. You see Gulpers are entertainment consumers who are, well, I think the best way to put this is --easily amused. They see someone on tv solving a murder mystery, with a very serious, very constipated look on their face --and they think it's great! Gulp Gulp, Gulp Gulp. You'll hear them talking excitedly at the office about the great show last night, when they should be working, all excited like they participated in something meaningful, until they get bored with it and the next year are gulping down the same thing in different time slot. Well Gulp on this: I am predicting that Mandy Patinkin's next career move is in country music! You heard it here first! Happy Gulping!

Patch you later,

David

David Caruso --Alzheimer's?

I have noticed something strange about David Caruso's character on CSI MIAMI. He talks unusually slow, and has a spaced out look like he has dementia. Actually, Caruso's head looks like a shriveled potato with tomato sauce on top and sun glasses. Anyway, CSI Miami is action packed, and then maybe as a counterpoint you have this individual with halting speech saying something like "You're........in.........big......................trouble." I've heard of method acting, but what's the method here? Is Caruso used to pausing a lot while people ask him mental status questions? Such as "Can you tell me what year it is?" Caruso: "..........................I think.....the year, 19....no, it 2000....2000, yes that's the year" Ok, Caruso just got put on Aricept. This guy is making millions to stumble around and talk slow. I guess when he's on vacation he can have anybody from the local nursing home fill in, put on some shades and just be themselves. Anyway, "I'll................talk.....to.......you..................................later."

PATCH YOU LATER!

David