MANATEES ON RAMPAGE, JONAS BROTHERS GET INVOLVED

IF YOU THOUGHT MANATEES WERE PLACID HERBIVORES WHO ONLY WANT TO BE LOVED, you may rethink your opinion of the marine mammals after reading this exclusive story out of Florida about a population of the species which has gone berserk. According to one eyewitness of an attack "It was the most horrendous thing I've ever seen. I was fishing and about thirty yards behind me some elderly gentlemen were casting from their boat, and suddenly this huge manatee jumped up in the boat with them, and began biting their necks. One of the men died instantly. The other man...the other man was eaten alive as he screamed for help."

Other eyewitnesses tell of the animals working in teams as they prey on humans near shore. "One of the manatees acted like it was caught in fishing line, and made a whimpering sound. When some concerned people gathered around, they discovered they were surrounded by other manatees which had surrounded them while the people were distracted. What happened next was unspeakable."

Theories as to why the manatees have become meat eaters range from rabies to chicken antibiotics effecting their brain chemistry. The native Seminoles also have some wisdom on the subject: "The old ones speak of a time when the water bears as we call them would become deranged and attack the people. They said it was because the Great Spirit was unhappy. We think that what's happening now is due to the Great Spirit's anger over the millions of people moving into Florida and destroying nature."

The Great Spirit must be quite chagrined. Law enforcement say that even when shot several times the manatees keep coming. "We pumped over six hundred rounds into one of them before it stopped. I've never seen anything like it. I think we need the military to get involved. These damn things are just too much for us."

Although pentagon officials have bitterly resisted the requests by state officials to divert troops from the middle east, another party has stepped forward to join in the fight. According to the eldest Jonas brother, who's real name is Fred "We found out yesterday one of our fans was killed by a manatee. We are pissed off. Very pissed off. The manatees have messed with the wrong pop stars. We are going to do something to the manatees they've had coming for quite awhile now. We are going to use every bit of transportation we can get a hold of, bring down every bit of musical equipment in our entire show, and plug it all in. Then we are going to channel the electricity into their favorite river, and shock the heck out of them. Let me tell you, pretty soon the Jonas brothers will be eating manatee steak. And we're inviting our fans to the barbeque."

A SITE EXCLUSIVE

DAVID CARUSO WILL RECEIVE BAILOUT MONEY TO PAY FOR ACTING LESSONS

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DAVID CARUSO, AN INDIVIDUAL WHO HAS SQUINTED AND STAMMERED HIS WAY INTO FAME, will receive no less than 16 million dollars of federal bailout money to underwrite acting lessons. Although the current administration has resisted the pressure to help Caruso, pressure from increasingly assertive Democrats has led to a pledge for a special rider to the current bailout bill which will pay for acting lessons. Speaker Pelosi explained why: "I come from a state where the entertainment industry brings in billions. Everyone else's amusement is our bread and butter. And now that things are getting tougher in the real world, people no longer think that Caruso's make believe 'acting' skills are cute anymore. The whole Zietgiest is all about getting back to basics and being for real; nothing is more illusory than Mr Caruso's theatrical talent, yet his third rate acting is causing real damage to the industry's bottom line."

Insider's close to the administration elect say that Obama is particularly disturbed about how Caruso's mediocrity is hurting America's image abroad. Our source spoke frankly about a meeting with the cabinet in waiting where the president elect laid it on the line insofar as his thoughts on the ginger headed thespian: "I want something done about Caruso" Obama is said to have stated. "When people in other countries see that man set up as someone who is talented and worth watching, it makes folks abroad question the basic judgement of our average citizen. Caruso is a threat to national security. Either get him acting lessons, or give him a cabinet post where he will do a lot less damage." Those attending the meeting have aparently chosen the former option.


SITE EXCLUSIVE

MOVE OVER JOAQUIN, HELLO ARKANSAS!

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FIRST THERE WAS RIVER. THEN THERE WAS JOAQUIN. NOW, IT'S ARKANSAS PHEONIX, the unknown Pheonix brother, to the rescue of the family tradition. Joaquin: "Arkansas is young, he's sharp, and we've kept him away from the media all his life while he lived in Arkansas. We knew he would be safe there, because as everyone knows Quantum Mechanics proves that Papparazzi cannot exist in Arkansas."

So what's Arkansas like? He's edgy, in an unconvential way. "I like to read about moss biology. I also like Yo Yo's. I can't explain it --the combination works for me."

Arkansas' acting career began when he played a crucial role in his high school's adaptation of "To Kill A Mockingbird." "It was my idea to substitute Chinese people in the place of African Americans. Arkansas is a very conservative place, but the book has been out for so long now I had to come up with some other way of making it controversial."

There are already rumours about who he's dating in Hollywood. "I don't mind telling
people who I'm spending time with, because that's pretty obvious. I just try to manage to keep my feelings about the people I care about to myself. Anne (Hathaway) is around me a lot, and I think that should speak for itself. The most important thing about our relationship is that we both like Unicycles. Also, I'm intrigued by the fact that she has a three legged dog."

Some have ventured that Arkansas may be the most eccentric Pheonix yet. "If I like to visit wildlife refuges and scream and curse at Whooping Cranes, people should respect me for the choices I make. I don't think I'm endangering them any. They're pretty big birds, and they seem like they're doing fine. And you know what, I have needs too."

Even more revealing is Arkansas' first movie contract, for the upcoming "Plastic Ice Bonanza" which is a post modern remake of the tv classic Bonanza, only in this case Hoss and the rest live on a ranch in 1990's Colorada where an aging rancher tries to save his spread by cooking meth at the bunkhouse. According the one critic "The scene where Arkansas gives a cow a bunch of crank mixed in with his feed, and then cries as the tormented bovine goes crazy, there's a savage beauty that transcends all art. This one scene alone makes Arkansas immortal."



A SATIREPATCH EXCLUSIVE

CALIFORNIA CRACKER BARREL GOES PUNK

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CRACKER BARREL IS KNOWN FOR ITS HEARTY MEALS, OLD FASHIONED COUNTRY STORE THEME, AND FRIENDLY SERVICE, but apparently that wasn't enough for the franchise to make it in liberal San Francisco. "We were desperate" says store manager Randy Freis. "It just wasn't working like the restaurants in other parts of the country. So we adapted, and the pick up in business is spectacular."

The adaption Freis is referring to includes waitresses with blue hair, servers wearing dog collars, and a gift shop full of sex toys. There is also some fascinating dining room theater. "When the customers finish their meal, they're asked if they are satisfied" says Freis. "Most of the time they say they aren't, even if they enjoy the meal, because dissatisfied patrons are encouraged to lash their waitress with a paper whip, and as she bends over to receive her punishment she licks her lips and says things like 'Oh, I've been sooo bad. Oh, but it's soooo good.'"

Freis --"My favorite part is when a group of what I call Cracker Punkers want to tell us they had a good time. They all yell 'Over her, motherfucker' and the dining room manager walks over and gets gobbed. And because we are a traditional, old timey place, we play that old timey hit by Fear, you know, the one that says 'Fuck you, I Don't Care About You' It is so damn awesome."

Of course, being gobbed means having a pack of punkers spit on you in a frenzy. So this reporter popped the big question --what happens when some innocent tourist walks in expecting checkered table clothes and whole wheat muffins?

Freis grins wickedly "We show those folks a lot of mercy. After all, we had an elderly lady from Missouri have a seizure when we first went punk. We tell them that this is an progressive Cracker Barrel, and they enter at their own risk...then we pull out a tattoo gun and ask them where they want to start."


SATIREPATCH

NBC SHOW "THE WHISPERER WHISPERER" DEBUTS IN DECEMBER

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IT SEEMS AS IF THERE'S A WHISPERER FOR EVERY PROBLEM THESE DAYS, as well as a show for every Whisperer. Well, NBC is set to outdo the other Whisperer Shows with "The Whisperer Whisperer" about a guy who's really good at influencing people who have a lot of influence. The hero of the show has noticed that a lot of mayhem is being caused by different Whisperers working at cross purposes. For instance, the Cat Whisperer teaches a cat to stop putting his muddy paw prints on vehicles; problem is, the Lawyer Whisperer has convinced an evil attorney to stop stealing from dementia sufferers, and instead pursue the far less injurious practice of Paw Print Litigation. With no muddy paw prints to greet vehicle vain parvenues as they get their morning paper, the lawyer goes back to having senile nursing home patients sign over their property to his benevolent care. The Whisperer Whisperer clears up the mess by convincing the Cat Whisperer and Lawyer Whisperer to work together, and they soon clear up the mess by convincing the evil attorney to run for congress on a platform of protecting Seniors and preventing animal cruelty.

There's a romance element also, with a lot of double entendres and love hate vibe between the Whisperer Whisperer and his sexy assistant. Whenever he tries to impress her, she says "Oh, you're just trying to Whisper me. Well, I'm the one person you can't Whisper." The Whisperer Whisperer himself is conflicted by his desire to do good, and his temptation to take advantage of his awesome powers for selfish reasons. The show usually ends on a lighter note, with the Whisperer Whisperer trying to for instance Whisper his plumber into giving him a discount, and his assistant laughing at him when he ends up being overcharged anyway.

Later on in the season there's talk of a reality show called "Who's the Whisperer?" and a docudrama with the tite "The Terrorist Whisperer --Can He Talk Bin Laden Out of His Cave?"


A SATIREPATCH EXCLUSIVE!!