IF YOU THOUGHT MANATEES WERE PLACID HERBIVORES WHO ONLY WANT TO BE LOVED, you may rethink your opinion of the marine mammals after reading this exclusive story out of Florida about a population of the species which has gone berserk. According to one eyewitness of an attack "It was the most horrendous thing I've ever seen. I was fishing and about thirty yards behind me some elderly gentlemen were casting from their boat, and suddenly this huge manatee jumped up in the boat with them, and began biting their necks. One of the men died instantly. The other man...the other man was eaten alive as he screamed for help."
Other eyewitnesses tell of the animals working in teams as they prey on humans near shore. "One of the manatees acted like it was caught in fishing line, and made a whimpering sound. When some concerned people gathered around, they discovered they were surrounded by other manatees which had surrounded them while the people were distracted. What happened next was unspeakable."
Theories as to why the manatees have become meat eaters range from rabies to chicken antibiotics effecting their brain chemistry. The native Seminoles also have some wisdom on the subject: "The old ones speak of a time when the water bears as we call them would become deranged and attack the people. They said it was because the Great Spirit was unhappy. We think that what's happening now is due to the Great Spirit's anger over the millions of people moving into Florida and destroying nature."
The Great Spirit must be quite chagrined. Law enforcement say that even when shot several times the manatees keep coming. "We pumped over six hundred rounds into one of them before it stopped. I've never seen anything like it. I think we need the military to get involved. These damn things are just too much for us."
Although pentagon officials have bitterly resisted the requests by state officials to divert troops from the middle east, another party has stepped forward to join in the fight. According to the eldest Jonas brother, who's real name is Fred "We found out yesterday one of our fans was killed by a manatee. We are pissed off. Very pissed off. The manatees have messed with the wrong pop stars. We are going to do something to the manatees they've had coming for quite awhile now. We are going to use every bit of transportation we can get a hold of, bring down every bit of musical equipment in our entire show, and plug it all in. Then we are going to channel the electricity into their favorite river, and shock the heck out of them. Let me tell you, pretty soon the Jonas brothers will be eating manatee steak. And we're inviting our fans to the barbeque."
A SITE EXCLUSIVE
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