CALIFORNIA CRACKER BARREL GOES PUNK

.
..
...


CRACKER BARREL IS KNOWN FOR ITS HEARTY MEALS, OLD FASHIONED COUNTRY STORE THEME, AND FRIENDLY SERVICE, but apparently that wasn't enough for the franchise to make it in liberal San Francisco. "We were desperate" says store manager Randy Freis. "It just wasn't working like the restaurants in other parts of the country. So we adapted, and the pick up in business is spectacular."

The adaption Freis is referring to includes waitresses with blue hair, servers wearing dog collars, and a gift shop full of sex toys. There is also some fascinating dining room theater. "When the customers finish their meal, they're asked if they are satisfied" says Freis. "Most of the time they say they aren't, even if they enjoy the meal, because dissatisfied patrons are encouraged to lash their waitress with a paper whip, and as she bends over to receive her punishment she licks her lips and says things like 'Oh, I've been sooo bad. Oh, but it's soooo good.'"

Freis --"My favorite part is when a group of what I call Cracker Punkers want to tell us they had a good time. They all yell 'Over her, motherfucker' and the dining room manager walks over and gets gobbed. And because we are a traditional, old timey place, we play that old timey hit by Fear, you know, the one that says 'Fuck you, I Don't Care About You' It is so damn awesome."

Of course, being gobbed means having a pack of punkers spit on you in a frenzy. So this reporter popped the big question --what happens when some innocent tourist walks in expecting checkered table clothes and whole wheat muffins?

Freis grins wickedly "We show those folks a lot of mercy. After all, we had an elderly lady from Missouri have a seizure when we first went punk. We tell them that this is an progressive Cracker Barrel, and they enter at their own risk...then we pull out a tattoo gun and ask them where they want to start."


SATIREPATCH