MOVE OVER JOAQUIN, HELLO ARKANSAS!

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FIRST THERE WAS RIVER. THEN THERE WAS JOAQUIN. NOW, IT'S ARKANSAS PHEONIX, the unknown Pheonix brother, to the rescue of the family tradition. Joaquin: "Arkansas is young, he's sharp, and we've kept him away from the media all his life while he lived in Arkansas. We knew he would be safe there, because as everyone knows Quantum Mechanics proves that Papparazzi cannot exist in Arkansas."

So what's Arkansas like? He's edgy, in an unconvential way. "I like to read about moss biology. I also like Yo Yo's. I can't explain it --the combination works for me."

Arkansas' acting career began when he played a crucial role in his high school's adaptation of "To Kill A Mockingbird." "It was my idea to substitute Chinese people in the place of African Americans. Arkansas is a very conservative place, but the book has been out for so long now I had to come up with some other way of making it controversial."

There are already rumours about who he's dating in Hollywood. "I don't mind telling
people who I'm spending time with, because that's pretty obvious. I just try to manage to keep my feelings about the people I care about to myself. Anne (Hathaway) is around me a lot, and I think that should speak for itself. The most important thing about our relationship is that we both like Unicycles. Also, I'm intrigued by the fact that she has a three legged dog."

Some have ventured that Arkansas may be the most eccentric Pheonix yet. "If I like to visit wildlife refuges and scream and curse at Whooping Cranes, people should respect me for the choices I make. I don't think I'm endangering them any. They're pretty big birds, and they seem like they're doing fine. And you know what, I have needs too."

Even more revealing is Arkansas' first movie contract, for the upcoming "Plastic Ice Bonanza" which is a post modern remake of the tv classic Bonanza, only in this case Hoss and the rest live on a ranch in 1990's Colorada where an aging rancher tries to save his spread by cooking meth at the bunkhouse. According the one critic "The scene where Arkansas gives a cow a bunch of crank mixed in with his feed, and then cries as the tormented bovine goes crazy, there's a savage beauty that transcends all art. This one scene alone makes Arkansas immortal."



A SATIREPATCH EXCLUSIVE