DAVID CARUSO WILL RECEIVE BAILOUT MONEY TO PAY FOR ACTING LESSONS

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DAVID CARUSO, AN INDIVIDUAL WHO HAS SQUINTED AND STAMMERED HIS WAY INTO FAME, will receive no less than 16 million dollars of federal bailout money to underwrite acting lessons. Although the current administration has resisted the pressure to help Caruso, pressure from increasingly assertive Democrats has led to a pledge for a special rider to the current bailout bill which will pay for acting lessons. Speaker Pelosi explained why: "I come from a state where the entertainment industry brings in billions. Everyone else's amusement is our bread and butter. And now that things are getting tougher in the real world, people no longer think that Caruso's make believe 'acting' skills are cute anymore. The whole Zietgiest is all about getting back to basics and being for real; nothing is more illusory than Mr Caruso's theatrical talent, yet his third rate acting is causing real damage to the industry's bottom line."

Insider's close to the administration elect say that Obama is particularly disturbed about how Caruso's mediocrity is hurting America's image abroad. Our source spoke frankly about a meeting with the cabinet in waiting where the president elect laid it on the line insofar as his thoughts on the ginger headed thespian: "I want something done about Caruso" Obama is said to have stated. "When people in other countries see that man set up as someone who is talented and worth watching, it makes folks abroad question the basic judgement of our average citizen. Caruso is a threat to national security. Either get him acting lessons, or give him a cabinet post where he will do a lot less damage." Those attending the meeting have aparently chosen the former option.


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