MARCH FIRST 2009 WILL BE FIRST ANNUAL "FART ON A LAWYER DAY"

TWO HUNDRED YEARS AGO SOMEONE DESCRIBED LAWYERS AS "THE ARBITERS OF JUSTICE FOR MEN MORE HONEST THAN THEMSELVES" Unfortunately, not much has changed since. Someone, however, intends to raise a stink about the situation with the first
"FART ON A LAWYER DAY" being set for March 1st of next year.
With a strategy similar to the Anonymous group that recently attacked Scientology, a mysterious web-based organization billing itself "COURT OF JACOBUS" sent out mass e-mails as early as November promoting the new day. A sample of their material: "They walk around court houses with smirks on their faces while the tired, sad people they prey upon sit on benches for hours waiting for their cases to be heard. They exist like eternal children, permanently cemented into their frat boy/ sorority house personalities, like the teenage boy kings of old engorged in their fiat after the untimely demise of the legitimate ruler. These parasites resist all legal remedies, because they are the law. We call for mass flatulence against this satanic force as the last result in a world where those who break the law suffer, those who obey the law struggle, and those who make the law shit on us all." (This is one of their milder publications.)
There are detailed instructions describing the appropriate prep for the first day of March. Besides beans, Bok Choy is highly recommended as diet. Participants are told to dress like attorneys themselves as they approach their target, and acting on the "He Who Smelt it Dealt It" principle, act as if they don't understand the startled reaction from those sampling the odiferous substance.
Court of Jacobus: "Of all the senses, smell gets down to the core level of the brain without being filtered out by the false constructions of our attorney based society. Thus a deeper truth is reached. No longer will people curse attorneys during the day time, and then go home and enjoy their cute antics on a show like 'Boston Legal.' We shall leave a scent that can never be washed out. Gas is our salvation. Gas is our future."
Predictably, Attorney Advocacy groups are furious: "What we have here is a small group of lunatic anarchists who don't even understand the legal system. And guess what --when we find out who is behind this, we are going to sue them!"
Already, there are signs that there will be heavy participation in the event. Sale of cabbage, beans, and especially Bok Choy are going through the roof. Security contractors report being completely book for the first week of March.

As always, SP will sniff out any new developments on this story

SAVANTS AT DINNER

THE MARILYN MANSON/REBA McENTIRE DUET THAT NEVER HAPPENED http://satirepatch.blogspot.com/2008/06/marilyn-manson-goes-country.html--FOR A FEW SHINING DAYS, it was the talk of the airwaves and many wondered --this impossible thing, could it be possible? As it turned out, it was impossible, however, the true story of the breakdown in the groundbreaking collaboration that was to be but never was is even more extraordinary than the thought of a man named Marilyn and woman called Reba singing together.

One of our reporters was finally able to get the inside scoop from Reba herself, after many months of trying. "You see" Reba told our interviewer "I was fully pre-pared to go ahead with it. I was all excitable about it. I remember driving up 65 past the Tennessean Truck Stop and I got a call on my remote control phone from my husband, Darnell. Darnell rings me and he is a saying 'Reber, I talked to your new buddy and he's coming over for lunch tomorrow afternoon.' Well I knew what he was talking about right away and I about wrecked my Mercedes. I said Darnell, don't you know I'm supposed to get my patootie checked tomorrow afternoon? Don't you 'member nothin'?! And Darnell is like 'Oh, uh sorry babe, yeah you got that dr appointment tomorrow for the gynecological doctor and such. How 'bout tellin' that guy, uh whatever he is, how about Thursday night?' So I says that's good, yeah, ok got to go."

"Ok, well now just because somebody is from a different kind of lifestyle we gonna do them right, so ol' Marilyn Manson comes over for dinner that Thursday dressed like a haint as usual, and we got this real nice dinner ready for him with real wine from France that I bought. And you know what, that ol' boy can act normal when he wants. We was havin' us a real nice discussion and then all sudden he says 'So, Reber, when Darnell dies, do you plan to have him stuffed?' Well let me tell you, I wasn't raised to talk about no stuff like that at the supper table, so I says 'You get the hell out of my house you damn freak!' And Darnell gets up and says 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass! 'I'm gonna kick yo' ass!'

Well, while Darnell is a puttin' him in his place, ol' Marilyn decides to get while the gettin' is good. Then I asked Darnell, I says now why didn't you kick his ass? And Darnell says 'Now baby, would you want Marilyn Manson's blood all over this house? We would have to have it fumigated, castigated and incinerated for the next five hundred years. That boy has probably got disease thangs livin' inside his body that scientific doctors don't even got no name for!!' And I said Sugar, you know can't nobody ever say I don't got a smart husband.

Right now I'm working on my thangs to say for the next Country Music Awards in '09. this year Carrie Underwood did the awards and everybody said she was boring and they want me back so I'm writin' down cute thangs to say. I get up on them awards and says my cute thangs, and people laugh at my cute thangs, and they pay me a million dollars! I doing purdy good for a cross-eyed simpleton from Oklahoma!"

This site will also be covering Reba's appearance at the Gary Levox Finger Painting Gallery in Nashville at the end of January. Stay tuned!

MANATEES ON RAMPAGE, JONAS BROTHERS GET INVOLVED

IF YOU THOUGHT MANATEES WERE PLACID HERBIVORES WHO ONLY WANT TO BE LOVED, you may rethink your opinion of the marine mammals after reading this exclusive story out of Florida about a population of the species which has gone berserk. According to one eyewitness of an attack "It was the most horrendous thing I've ever seen. I was fishing and about thirty yards behind me some elderly gentlemen were casting from their boat, and suddenly this huge manatee jumped up in the boat with them, and began biting their necks. One of the men died instantly. The other man...the other man was eaten alive as he screamed for help."

Other eyewitnesses tell of the animals working in teams as they prey on humans near shore. "One of the manatees acted like it was caught in fishing line, and made a whimpering sound. When some concerned people gathered around, they discovered they were surrounded by other manatees which had surrounded them while the people were distracted. What happened next was unspeakable."

Theories as to why the manatees have become meat eaters range from rabies to chicken antibiotics effecting their brain chemistry. The native Seminoles also have some wisdom on the subject: "The old ones speak of a time when the water bears as we call them would become deranged and attack the people. They said it was because the Great Spirit was unhappy. We think that what's happening now is due to the Great Spirit's anger over the millions of people moving into Florida and destroying nature."

The Great Spirit must be quite chagrined. Law enforcement say that even when shot several times the manatees keep coming. "We pumped over six hundred rounds into one of them before it stopped. I've never seen anything like it. I think we need the military to get involved. These damn things are just too much for us."

Although pentagon officials have bitterly resisted the requests by state officials to divert troops from the middle east, another party has stepped forward to join in the fight. According to the eldest Jonas brother, who's real name is Fred "We found out yesterday one of our fans was killed by a manatee. We are pissed off. Very pissed off. The manatees have messed with the wrong pop stars. We are going to do something to the manatees they've had coming for quite awhile now. We are going to use every bit of transportation we can get a hold of, bring down every bit of musical equipment in our entire show, and plug it all in. Then we are going to channel the electricity into their favorite river, and shock the heck out of them. Let me tell you, pretty soon the Jonas brothers will be eating manatee steak. And we're inviting our fans to the barbeque."

A SITE EXCLUSIVE

DAVID CARUSO WILL RECEIVE BAILOUT MONEY TO PAY FOR ACTING LESSONS

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DAVID CARUSO, AN INDIVIDUAL WHO HAS SQUINTED AND STAMMERED HIS WAY INTO FAME, will receive no less than 16 million dollars of federal bailout money to underwrite acting lessons. Although the current administration has resisted the pressure to help Caruso, pressure from increasingly assertive Democrats has led to a pledge for a special rider to the current bailout bill which will pay for acting lessons. Speaker Pelosi explained why: "I come from a state where the entertainment industry brings in billions. Everyone else's amusement is our bread and butter. And now that things are getting tougher in the real world, people no longer think that Caruso's make believe 'acting' skills are cute anymore. The whole Zietgiest is all about getting back to basics and being for real; nothing is more illusory than Mr Caruso's theatrical talent, yet his third rate acting is causing real damage to the industry's bottom line."

Insider's close to the administration elect say that Obama is particularly disturbed about how Caruso's mediocrity is hurting America's image abroad. Our source spoke frankly about a meeting with the cabinet in waiting where the president elect laid it on the line insofar as his thoughts on the ginger headed thespian: "I want something done about Caruso" Obama is said to have stated. "When people in other countries see that man set up as someone who is talented and worth watching, it makes folks abroad question the basic judgement of our average citizen. Caruso is a threat to national security. Either get him acting lessons, or give him a cabinet post where he will do a lot less damage." Those attending the meeting have aparently chosen the former option.


SITE EXCLUSIVE

MOVE OVER JOAQUIN, HELLO ARKANSAS!

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FIRST THERE WAS RIVER. THEN THERE WAS JOAQUIN. NOW, IT'S ARKANSAS PHEONIX, the unknown Pheonix brother, to the rescue of the family tradition. Joaquin: "Arkansas is young, he's sharp, and we've kept him away from the media all his life while he lived in Arkansas. We knew he would be safe there, because as everyone knows Quantum Mechanics proves that Papparazzi cannot exist in Arkansas."

So what's Arkansas like? He's edgy, in an unconvential way. "I like to read about moss biology. I also like Yo Yo's. I can't explain it --the combination works for me."

Arkansas' acting career began when he played a crucial role in his high school's adaptation of "To Kill A Mockingbird." "It was my idea to substitute Chinese people in the place of African Americans. Arkansas is a very conservative place, but the book has been out for so long now I had to come up with some other way of making it controversial."

There are already rumours about who he's dating in Hollywood. "I don't mind telling
people who I'm spending time with, because that's pretty obvious. I just try to manage to keep my feelings about the people I care about to myself. Anne (Hathaway) is around me a lot, and I think that should speak for itself. The most important thing about our relationship is that we both like Unicycles. Also, I'm intrigued by the fact that she has a three legged dog."

Some have ventured that Arkansas may be the most eccentric Pheonix yet. "If I like to visit wildlife refuges and scream and curse at Whooping Cranes, people should respect me for the choices I make. I don't think I'm endangering them any. They're pretty big birds, and they seem like they're doing fine. And you know what, I have needs too."

Even more revealing is Arkansas' first movie contract, for the upcoming "Plastic Ice Bonanza" which is a post modern remake of the tv classic Bonanza, only in this case Hoss and the rest live on a ranch in 1990's Colorada where an aging rancher tries to save his spread by cooking meth at the bunkhouse. According the one critic "The scene where Arkansas gives a cow a bunch of crank mixed in with his feed, and then cries as the tormented bovine goes crazy, there's a savage beauty that transcends all art. This one scene alone makes Arkansas immortal."



A SATIREPATCH EXCLUSIVE

CALIFORNIA CRACKER BARREL GOES PUNK

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CRACKER BARREL IS KNOWN FOR ITS HEARTY MEALS, OLD FASHIONED COUNTRY STORE THEME, AND FRIENDLY SERVICE, but apparently that wasn't enough for the franchise to make it in liberal San Francisco. "We were desperate" says store manager Randy Freis. "It just wasn't working like the restaurants in other parts of the country. So we adapted, and the pick up in business is spectacular."

The adaption Freis is referring to includes waitresses with blue hair, servers wearing dog collars, and a gift shop full of sex toys. There is also some fascinating dining room theater. "When the customers finish their meal, they're asked if they are satisfied" says Freis. "Most of the time they say they aren't, even if they enjoy the meal, because dissatisfied patrons are encouraged to lash their waitress with a paper whip, and as she bends over to receive her punishment she licks her lips and says things like 'Oh, I've been sooo bad. Oh, but it's soooo good.'"

Freis --"My favorite part is when a group of what I call Cracker Punkers want to tell us they had a good time. They all yell 'Over her, motherfucker' and the dining room manager walks over and gets gobbed. And because we are a traditional, old timey place, we play that old timey hit by Fear, you know, the one that says 'Fuck you, I Don't Care About You' It is so damn awesome."

Of course, being gobbed means having a pack of punkers spit on you in a frenzy. So this reporter popped the big question --what happens when some innocent tourist walks in expecting checkered table clothes and whole wheat muffins?

Freis grins wickedly "We show those folks a lot of mercy. After all, we had an elderly lady from Missouri have a seizure when we first went punk. We tell them that this is an progressive Cracker Barrel, and they enter at their own risk...then we pull out a tattoo gun and ask them where they want to start."


SATIREPATCH

NBC SHOW "THE WHISPERER WHISPERER" DEBUTS IN DECEMBER

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IT SEEMS AS IF THERE'S A WHISPERER FOR EVERY PROBLEM THESE DAYS, as well as a show for every Whisperer. Well, NBC is set to outdo the other Whisperer Shows with "The Whisperer Whisperer" about a guy who's really good at influencing people who have a lot of influence. The hero of the show has noticed that a lot of mayhem is being caused by different Whisperers working at cross purposes. For instance, the Cat Whisperer teaches a cat to stop putting his muddy paw prints on vehicles; problem is, the Lawyer Whisperer has convinced an evil attorney to stop stealing from dementia sufferers, and instead pursue the far less injurious practice of Paw Print Litigation. With no muddy paw prints to greet vehicle vain parvenues as they get their morning paper, the lawyer goes back to having senile nursing home patients sign over their property to his benevolent care. The Whisperer Whisperer clears up the mess by convincing the Cat Whisperer and Lawyer Whisperer to work together, and they soon clear up the mess by convincing the evil attorney to run for congress on a platform of protecting Seniors and preventing animal cruelty.

There's a romance element also, with a lot of double entendres and love hate vibe between the Whisperer Whisperer and his sexy assistant. Whenever he tries to impress her, she says "Oh, you're just trying to Whisper me. Well, I'm the one person you can't Whisper." The Whisperer Whisperer himself is conflicted by his desire to do good, and his temptation to take advantage of his awesome powers for selfish reasons. The show usually ends on a lighter note, with the Whisperer Whisperer trying to for instance Whisper his plumber into giving him a discount, and his assistant laughing at him when he ends up being overcharged anyway.

Later on in the season there's talk of a reality show called "Who's the Whisperer?" and a docudrama with the tite "The Terrorist Whisperer --Can He Talk Bin Laden Out of His Cave?"


A SATIREPATCH EXCLUSIVE!!

Kenny Chesney Midget Wrestling Video Surfaces

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>MOST YOUNG MUSICIANS STRUGGLE WITH ODD JOBS WHILE THEY ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT BIG, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE KENNY CHESNEY really put the "odd" in odd with his previously unreported foray into the wrestling world. What's really strange about his brief career on the mat was that it was done as a member of the "WEE WRESTLER'S LEAGUE" where Kenny was known as "THE MIGHTY MUNCHKIN." A video now circulating on YouTube is a little fuzzy, but when the young Kenny is in a headlock you can hear his unmistakably nasal voice begging "OOOOWWWWWWWW PLEASE LET ME GOOWWWWWW!" Kenny was known as a bit of a whiner in the midget world. We interviewed Terribly Tiny who was in several contests with The Mighty Munchkin: "He was the biggest baby I ever met. As soon as we were in the locker room he was like 'Damn, Paul you know it's not supposed to be real. That really hurt!' He would bitch so much we started calling him 'The Mighty Baby.' Kenny liked the money, but Kenny ticked so many people off none of us Little People would agree to wrestle him."

Chesney's publicist was visibly angered about the video: "All I have to say is that what people do in their personal life is nobody's business. What does wrestling have to do with country music. It's not like Kenny sold drugs or something."

Kenny himself agreed to discuss the matter, but the interview was cut short after he became agitated, and fell off the coffee can he was standing on after jumping up and down on it several times.


DG Williams

Nine of Ten Failing Banks Headed by Former Fraternity Officers

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Dr. Victoria Chang of the University of California, Berkley reported presented a paper last week at the International Congress of Sociologists describing her research which found that slightly more than 90-percent of banks in the United States rated as failed or likely to fail by an independant auditing board are headed by men who were officers in so-called "Greek" organizations in college. Dr Chang added that "Most of the remaining ten-percent were headed by individuals educated in nations where American style fraternities do not exist."

Congress participants were bowled over by the extremely high correlation between a history of heavy fraternity involvement and bankruptcy. "I've never seen anything like it" said one participant. "Most researchers dream of this level of significance in their work but don't even come close. I am as impressed by Dr Chang's finding as I am appalled at the sickness in our society it illustrates."

Dr Chang provided several reason for the relationship: "Firstly, it is well documented that membership in these exclusive type organizations renders young, undeveloped personhoods into even more immature and narcissistic individuals. Fraternity, as well as sorority membership, deeply instills the adolescent traits of self-centerdness, obsession with status and ruthlessness. At the same time it provides the members with the just the kind of ultra self confidence and political skills which propels these type personalities to the top of corrupt, socially sick organizations where they are in a unique position to do extreme damage to the greater population. "

Another congress participant added: "We've all looked at these kind of groups as amusing or annoying. Now we know they are an endemic pathology which must be arrested before these types bring us all down."

Dr Chang offered a fascinating example of the fraternity personality from one of the original "Greeks" --Alcibiades, a figure from the Pelaponessian War between Athens and Sparta who lived two thousand years ago. "If you'll notice, most fraternities have a startling disconnect between their charter purpose of promoting Christianity and their actual behavior which amounts to a dogged dedication to debauchery and disrespect of the totallity of Christian tenets. Alcibiades, known from ancient times as the most finished Narcissist who ever lived, was known to have mocked the state religion on the eve before the departure of the Athenian fleet for the horrific disaster at Syracuse. The parallels are chilling."

Mike Benson, President of the National Order of Kappa Sigma, disagrees: "Fraternities mold young men into good citizens. Look at our charitable work. Fraternities enrichen their members, and produce our future leaders."

Others are not so sure about "our future leaders." A sociologist at the University of Chicago who asked not to be named informed our reporter that "We have a working group looking at ways of diminishing the place of fraternity damaged individuals in our society. We will begin by making their place in society a matter of question, so that in the future their displacement can occur. Our long range goal is the barring of fraternity members, and most especially former fraternity officers, from getting their CPA, teaching and stock broker's license. It's a matter of survival for our civilization."

RASCAL FLATTS' GARY LEVOX DIAGNOSED WITH DOWN'S SYNDROME AS A CHILD

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..........................EVERYONE KNOWS GARY LEVOX HAS AN INTERESTING PAST. WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW is that due to poor performance on intelligence tests when he was in kindergarten he was placed in a special education class. "They thought I had Down's Syndrome" Gary recently explained. "They thought I was, you know, like Corky."

Fans of the band are sticking behind their idol. One RF Superfan explained: "I don't care if he's a little slow. His music is deep. It touches people."

Gary says he doesn't care if people look at him different from now on. "I know who I am. I make a lot of money. So there!"

Gary also suprised people when he recently revealed the idea for their smash hit "Bob That Head" came from his experiences in special ed. "They had this real messed up guy sitting next to me who would repeat weird stuff all day long. He had two brothers whose names were Bob and Ted. His parents had tried to teach him for years to say their names, they would work with him all day long trying to get him to say Bob and Ted, but for some reason it got confused in his mind as 'Bob that Head.' He would say 'Bob that Head' for hours and hours in this retarded voice. I couldn't
handle it. I made up my mind right then and there that I was going to become a country star so I could be a big success and not sit around with special ed people all day long."

LeVox is also defensive about people who criticize his work: "People say we're pop, people say we're not country. Well, if you don't like RF you can go to hell. The other day I read some critical article about 'Bob that Head' who said it was the worst song in the history of country music, that it was the country equivalent of Jefferson Starships' We Built this City on Rock and Roll a song which was voted to be the worst song in rock history. Well I says 'Fuck you' to all my critics. If some of my fans don't read and write well that's ok. I've never read a book in my life and I'm doing just fine. I touch people with my music."

LeVox isn't giving out many interviews these days because he's consumed with his new passion: fingerpainting. "It's a high art. I love it. I want to have my own gallery one day, and when you walk in to see my finger art, you will hear 'Bob that Head' in the background."

SATIREPATCH

MAN DIES, DISCOVERS JOHN MALKOVICH IS GOD

"I DIDN'T BELIEVE IN AN AFTERLIFE, HEAVEN, GOD OR ANY OF THAT, but now I know. HE is real. He is God"

The "He" being referred to by Matthew Maxwell, professor of mathematics at the Univesity of Chicago, is none other than John Malkovich.

It all started when Dr Maxwell had a routine colonoscopy. "I was more concerned about the inconvenience than any danger I might be in. I didn't know the anethesiologist was about to make a grave error, an error which has altered my life forever."

Dr Maxwell says when thing went wrong during the procedure he saw a light and went through a long tunnel. Pretty standard stuff for a near death experience. Only in this case the Supreme Being was someone well known to movie buffs.

"I saw this throne with a beautiful, blinding light that drew me in to what felt like infinite love. And then suddenly I began my personal audience with Him. With
John Malkovich. He told me that he had brought me to His presence because he had a message for the world, and that message was that if we on the planet don't start working together on our problems, something terrible is going to happen."

Maxwell says he begged to stay there with God but was told that wasn't possible, it wasn't part of the plan.

"When I woke up there were five doctors staring at me. And then someone said 'He's alive. He's going to make it!' Well, I didn't remember anything for the first month after surgery, and was mostly focused on a lawsuit against the hospital. But now I'm not interested in suing anybody. I just want to spread His word."

The recall of the near death event occured in an unusual place. "I was in Blockbuster and I saw His image on a poster, and it all came back to me. I got down on my knees and begged forgiveness for not doing His bidding, but the manager made me leave."

Many are skeptical. This reporter brought up an obvious point with Dr Maxwell, and asked "John Malkovich has made some comments some find disturbing, for instance saying that the problems of homeless people are self inflicted. How could a loving
God say something like that?"

"Don't you understand?" came the reply. "He says callous things to help us recognize our own lack of empathy. He teaches by exaggeration and parody. It's the only language this wicked generation understands."

So, what does the incarnate John think about his number one fan? "When you're a celebrity there's always some kind of bullshit going on with the public. I think this guy is probably just another stalker. Although, I think I'm just as eligible [to be God] as anyone else."

This website welcomes any further comments by Mr Malkovich as this story progresses. In the mean time we'll all be taking His work more seriously.


David Williams

NEW, SURPRISING PROBLEM FOR SARAH PALIN

Seconds after the end of her acceptance speech at the Republican convention, hundreds of pollsters began calling potential voters to gauge their reaction to her performance. Amidst the controversary over her alleged lack of experience, and the investigation into whether or not she influenced the firing of her former brother-in-law from his job as a state trooper, a new quandry presents itself involving her children, only this has nothing to do with an unplanned pregancy. As one poll taker who was quoted put it: "It's difficult to trust someone who gave her children such stupid names." Governor Palin's kids, "Willow", "Piper", "Bristol", "Track" (no, this is not a joke) and "Trig." Although Palin has an explanation for every one of these names, others wonder what kind of names will be supplied to things like ships and national parks should she become vice president. A delegate to the convention who heard her speech first hand, and who spoke only on condition of anonymity, stated "I can just see this woman giving a new aircraft carrier a flaky name like 'Cody Wavecutter Supreme' What the hell kind of thinking is that. Just please, please don't tell me what her kids' middle names are. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.

Although some may find the matter to be trivial, these polls show that the negatives on the subject are so strong they could take as many as two points from the Palin-McCain ticket in the popular vote. Several Republican operatives are furious that the matter wasn't more deeply looked into before Palin was chosen. A senior McCain aide: "If she is just going to make up names for her kids, what else is she making up?"

We'll keep you posted on this fascinating story.

Tyler Mason Cody Dakota Hunter Austin Gunfighter Earnhardt Williams

INTERVIEWS WITH THE DAMNED

Nothing is sadder than stories of child stars gone bad. As a veteran writer who's interviewed many former child actors I thought I had seen it all until I hunted up the bunch from Winnie the Pooh --to say I was staggered by what I saw is certainly an understatement. Christopher Robbins' involvement with Scientology, Tigger's struggle with Bipolar Disorder, Pooh's paralysis after a drunk driving accident...My time with these tortured souls took its toll emotionally, eventually leading to the end of my marriage. Finally, however, I found it all to be a deeply spiritual experience, one that allowed me to get in touch withy my own humanity in a way that would not otherwise have been possible.

I'll begin with an individual who was the most difficult to locate, both physically and emotionally. Indeed, even after the many hours I spent with him he is still an enigma.

Driving up the gravel driveway to a trailer home that looked like someone had found a crushed tin can and then tried to straighten it back out, I was overpowered by the force of time and place and maybe experienced a little dissociation. It had taken me so long to find this man, in Moulton, Alabama and now, finally, I was about to see...him. I gripped the steering wheel to anchor myself --was this really the final stop for that sweet little child who played Piglet? Superlatives spun through my brain like dust kicked up from a has been writer's pile of unsold manuscripts. He was the youngest, the boldest, the more talented of his group. And now, perhaps, the most lost.

As I stepped from my vehicle, I heard his voice: "Tammy, you ain't fed the dog yet? I bet you done fed your face, bitch."

And then it hit me. Maybe he wasn't lost. Maybe he had finally found himself here amidst his Deep South roots, becoming like so many in the part of the world, an abusive, IV crank user living off a disability check, although with an occasional royalty payment to make things interesting.

I knocked, and again heard the voice --"Tammy, ain't you gonna get that?" The door opened. "Well, shit I guess I have to do everything around here. You that Williams feller?"

I told him I was.

"Well come on in"

We sat in silence for a moment as I studied him. His huge jowels glistened with grease in the soft light, falling down from two huge, sad, angry pig eyes. Rolls of fat subtley shifted as this four hundred pounder made himself comfortable on his couch. I knew instantly that this was a soul who had known suffering.

"I want to thank you for allow--"

He cut me off. "Hell, you don't have to give no apology for being here. I'm the one who told you to come down."

"Allright"

The jowels moved again "I imagine you want me to talk about all the Winnie the Pooh shit. You know, people act like I never accomplished nothing else in my life other than run around the woods with a bunch of British faggots and appear on television. Well, I done a lot of other things, some of them was bad things, but I also did a lot of things right. Anyway, I decided to sit down with you because I think it's time I did talk about some of that mess. I mean, here I was a just a kid, and my daddy signed for me to go live in England, which is a whole other country outside of Alabama. Of course I made some mistakes. But I wasn't the only one.

I pondered where to go at that point. "There has been a lot of talk about what another member of the cast has termed a 'betrayal' on your part." The question lingered in the air as we sat there. I was little alarmed at the aggressivenes of the question that had just tripped out of my mouth. Was he going to get mad, and throw me out?

I was pleasantly suprised: "Yeah, you mean all that with Chris." Piglet's countenance grew wistful. "Now understand, I was very young at the time. Me and Chris Robbins already had a lot of partying under our belts, you see we would go to London on the weekends and pick up chicks, and yes, sometimes we were a little smashed when we showed up on the set Monday morning. But that's just normal stuff everybody goes through. What most people don't know is that Chris is ADD. That's Attention Deficit Disorder. I know because my son Tyler is on ADD medication. Anyways, the day it all happened we as on this big ass estate hunting pheasants which is what they do over there. They had a bunch of poor people lined up driving the pheasants our way to flush 'em out. Right away I knew it was going down hill because Chris would get excited and point his gun the wrong way. I said "Chris, pay attention, this ain't no make believe pooh bear thang goin' down, this shit is real!" Chris would turn his gun around the right way for awhile, but then he'ld start talking and get excited and do the same thing again. So after about four or five times of that mess I decided to get out of there before I ended up in the bag. I had just turned around to leave when I heard "BOOM, BOOM, BOOM." And not a second later "OH MY GOD, I'M SHOT, GOD PLEASE HELP ME I'M SHOT, OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DIE." And then comes Mr ADD himself running up beggin me not to tell anyone he had been pointing his gun the wrong way when he shot that feller, saying he was too young to go to prison and squalling like a two year old. Well, when the police sat me down I told them the truth. Now if that's betrayal, I guess I'm guilty. And ever since that day Chris has been making up all kinds of tales about me...I could go on and on, but I know the truth."

He lit a cigarette and took a deep drag, his large, smoke inflamed eyes rolling around their fat swollen sockets.

"It's along way from Buckingham to prison, isn't it?"

"No doubt" he responded. "Prison ain't no hundred acre wood, let me tell you."
But I'm done dealing, and ain't done any meth in two years."

"And you're done hitting your wife?"

Piglet finally got ticked off at me. "As long as she acts right! There's three thangs I can't stand: women who bitch too much, po-lice who arrest you for no reason, and judges who sent you to prison because they don't like you."

Figuring I needed to back off a little, I smiled and said "You've registered for the local sheriff's race. I'm sure you have a lot to offer with your background, however don't you think your criminal background will be a problem for your campaign?"

"Most people who run for office around here have done time. It's a tradition."

"What one thing would most surprise people about the making of Winnie the Pooh?

"Tigger! It's not an act. When they cut the camera he's running around yelling 'WOOHOO! WOOHOO!' I really don't see how he got cut a paycheck for being on Winnie the Pooh. Hell, that's like payin' me to smoke reefer and watch Bama games."

I spent almost a month with Piglet. We laughed together, cried together. Once I really got to know him I found Piglet to be a sensitive, intelligent, even philosophical person. It was with great sadness that I drove down that gravel road for the last time, past his sons Tyler, Cody and Dakota riding their four wheelers in the soft autumn air. I thought, he's been through so much. We've been through so much. I knew I would never be the same.


David Williams

PEOPLE ARE TURNING INTO JAMES OTTO

People everywhere are turning into James Otto, after listening to his literally infectious song "Just Got Started Loving You." What's it like to turn into James? First of all you stay the same size your were before the transformation, only you acquire one hundred percent of his physical features. For most people, it's a very troubling experience, although others have designs on James' royalities from his songs. Perhaps the person most disturbed by these events is the
original James, who is having greater and greater difficulty proving that he is the real James Otto: "I labored in obscurity for years and now, this....this is too much" James told a Patch eporter before breaking down into tears. Governments are working on the problem of how humans will reproduce from now on, as the thought of two James Ottos making love to one another is.........yeah, it's bad. Native Americans believe that the mass metamorphosis is a sign that the Great Spirit is angry about environmental destruction and trying to wake people up by turning them into hairy James. After all, what could wake people up more than turning into James Otto? John McCain and Barack Obama have taken to wearing name tags to distinguish themselves, and wondering if their debates this fall will have any impact with both of them looking like James. Modeling agencies have experienced mass bankruptcies. So what will society
be in ten years? Just like it is now --listening to Bill O'Reilly make bombastic statements about matters he's only half way looked into, only listener and broadcaster will be in the physical
form of James Otto.

Patch you later!

David Williams

Scientists Discover Lawyers Becoming a New Species

If you've ever thought lawyers were different from most people, you were right. According to researchers at the University of Berlin "In another five generations attorneys will not be able to breed with normal humans." It seems that selective breeding with the scheming sorority girls lawyers invariably marry, together with their own peculiar genetics, are creating a new genotype incompatible with the rest of humanity, something which was recently confirmed in the discovery of the so called "lawyer gene."

Professor Eisenstat of the University explains further: "Using the powerful Five Factor Model of Personality, we find that built into attorneys is a lack of empathy which cannot be estimated by any known metric; the best we can explain it is to state that their score on the Agreeableness trait approaches, to use a physics term, absolute zero. Their average score on Openness to Experience is the most normal, while their status on the Extraversion and Neuroticism scales, is respectively abnormally high, and low. The combination of anomolous status on most of the scales comprises something we think of as factor six, or the shiester complex."

Solutions to the problem are as wide ranging as the lawyers' scores on personality tests. Moreover, the discovery of the lawyer gene in the Federal Republic brings up some dark reminders of Germany's past, but in a new way. Dr Eisenstat: "Some have even have recommended confining lawyers to special camps, where they could be monitored...of course, we here at the university do not condone this line of thinking in any way, shape or form."

As usual, we will continue to follow this intriguing story....if we don't get sued first.

Have a patchin' day!

David

MARILYN MANSON GOES COUNTRY

IT'S OFFICIAL --MARILYN MANSON CONFIRMS HE WILL BE RELEASING COUNTRY ALBUM SOON, SEVERAL PRESS AGENCIES REPORT. Although some think the move is a bit of a stretch, Reba McEntire, who duets with him on his first country album explains: "Well, here I was sitting by my lonesome at home, looking out the winder, when ol' Marilyn Manson calls me up and says 'Ms McEntire, would you like to do a duet with me on my next album?' So I says to Mr Manson, now you wouldn't be pulling a prank on little ol' Reber would you, and he said no, he's serious, he was so inspired by the work I did with Kelly Clarkson he wanted to see if he could do as good even though he's kind of more of a punk feller he is actually a big fan of blue grass and country. I told him if you ain't yeller let's get 'er done!"

Mr Manson sees the change in genres as a natural: "Talking to Reber, I mean Reba, really clarified my participation in country as the next natural step in my musical evolution. I have to admit, the nihilism thing is getting a little old. It's time for me to come back to earth a little while and communicate about things like cornbread and chicken (I'm a big Allan Jackson fan, by the way). "

Manson's lyrics on the new album are fascinating. He bridges the gap by delivering a transition rendition of an old song with the following lyrics:

Beautiful People! Beautiful People!
Rascal Flatts, Doesn't Rhyme with Steeple!

Manson's version of country is also tender at times, such as in his song "Party Tractor"

I guess I was a little high.
I guess you are a little dead.
Sorry that I did some acid
And drove the John Deere over your head

And as for Manson's new appearance? "It's been my toughest challenge. I found out that a cowboy hat made out of human skin is illegal. I'm still working on that one."

Please check here in coming days for new developments on this story.

Patch you later!

David

Sex and the City Shocker

Viewers of the Sex and the City movie, based on the hit HBO Soap Opera of the same name were devastated by unexpected plot twists when the much anticipated movie was finally released. Everyone knew there would be suprises, however no one expected emergency services to be called to screening sites. We interviewed Joe Petronni, manager of a Secaucus, New Jersey theatre: "Yeah, we had all hese 35 year old broads come in real excited. They were obnoxious bitches, looked rich. They had like sorority house accents. Anyways, they were all happy, laughing a lot when they weren't harrassing my workers about making the popcorn wrong. About an hour into the movie one of them comes running out crying, then two more. None of 'em made it through the whole two hours. We even had an ambulance brought out because one of these girls thought she was having a stroke.

WHAT COULD SO UPSET THESE LADIES? It seems the writers decided to lay some serious truth on the main character, Carrie who was left at the alter by the groom when one of her jealous friends told the man Carrie has herpes. The rest of the cast fared no better, as all were revealed to be promiscuous narcissists who no man in his right mind would ever think about touching. One of the character's boyfriends summed it all up when he dumped her --"All you want to do is sit around with your goofy friends and talk about sex. I'm tired of your nasty talk. I'm going to marry a nice girl....once I've had some blood tests."

Hope all enjoyed this new story

Keep on patchin!

David

Rascal Flat

I'm sending a desperate message to people on all continents. Is there anyone out there, a single person at least, who doesn't get Rascal Flatts. There is something terribly wrong here. How could they have gotten anywhere? If you play their music backwards, it must say "Listen to s--- and like it, listen to s--- and like it." The band members themselves look like the kind of people you see working at a record store in the mall while they live off their girlfriends who are stupid enough to believe their promises that they will marry them and make them rich once they make it big with their "career." I'm sure these losers' hairdos haven't changed since they got burned in the tenth grade buying crushed up oak leaves sold to them as marijuana. Maybe they are still smoking oak leaves, and that has effect their brains. Is this really supposed to be a country band? They're pop, and not even good pop but the kind of music you hear at the dentist's office. Why do these people have money why aren't they working at a car wash where they belong. Even their name ticks me off --Rascal Flatts. Flatts is like a country name, so someone hears it and thinks, yeah, these guys are country, their name sounds like a place out in the country --and then, Rascal-- oh yeah, these guys are big rascals, they are real hell raisers, running around with those rascally hair dos, that's very rascally of you guys to comb your hair funny --wow you guys are really big time rebels with those rascally hair dos. Why do these people have money? Why aren't they working at a car wash where they belong? What kind of Twilight Zone is the world living in? Everything is upside down; these no talent freaks are performing at the CMA instead of picking up trash at night in my office.

Well, I'm feeling real rascally now!

Patch it later!

David

Of Gulpers, Constipation and Mandy Patinkin

When the David Caruso piece originally ran on Sweetpea-Honeybun there was a lot of controversy and name calling , it seems like some people freak out criticizing Caruso because they think so highly of him. Well, maybe I've done a little name calling myself, but it's all in fun. You see, a lot of well respected actors don't inspire much admiriation in myself; actually their acting style makes me laugh. I'll give you another example: I was talking with a friend about Criminal Minds and couldn't remember the name of the main actor, I just said "You know, that guy that always looks constipated" and she said "Yeah, that's Mandy Patinkin." So here is this actor who is aclaimed as a great artist, when all his acting technique actually comes down to is working up an expression on his face indicative of a diet high in cheese. Mandy Patinkin's acting style comes down to looking constipated whenever something serious is happening --and the more serious the issue on the show, the more constipated he appears. Ok, so where am I going with this? You see, when the Caruso piece first ran last winter there was a lot of back and forth between someone who was allegedly a stalker, and another person who sounded like a groupie. Well the main problem in entertainment is not groupies or stalkers --it's a third group, the vast majority I call Gulpers. You see Gulpers are entertainment consumers who are, well, I think the best way to put this is --easily amused. They see someone on tv solving a murder mystery, with a very serious, very constipated look on their face --and they think it's great! Gulp Gulp, Gulp Gulp. You'll hear them talking excitedly at the office about the great show last night, when they should be working, all excited like they participated in something meaningful, until they get bored with it and the next year are gulping down the same thing in different time slot. Well Gulp on this: I am predicting that Mandy Patinkin's next career move is in country music! You heard it here first! Happy Gulping!

Patch you later,

David

David Caruso --Alzheimer's?

I have noticed something strange about David Caruso's character on CSI MIAMI. He talks unusually slow, and has a spaced out look like he has dementia. Actually, Caruso's head looks like a shriveled potato with tomato sauce on top and sun glasses. Anyway, CSI Miami is action packed, and then maybe as a counterpoint you have this individual with halting speech saying something like "You're........in.........big......................trouble." I've heard of method acting, but what's the method here? Is Caruso used to pausing a lot while people ask him mental status questions? Such as "Can you tell me what year it is?" Caruso: "..........................I think.....the year, 19....no, it 2000....2000, yes that's the year" Ok, Caruso just got put on Aricept. This guy is making millions to stumble around and talk slow. I guess when he's on vacation he can have anybody from the local nursing home fill in, put on some shades and just be themselves. Anyway, "I'll................talk.....to.......you..................................later."

PATCH YOU LATER!

David